Yikes! That’s quite a bit more context isn’t it? Doesn’t sound nearly as imperious when you put it this way. Family crises often bring up personal vulnerabilities just when our partners most need to be able to lean on us. And often our coping skills are exactly what the doctor didn’t order.
@instructor144 was right the first time when he said it’s time to have a conversation. One that might begin “we’ve both been struggling over our daughter’s diagnosis. I know it’s gutting you as much as it’s gutting me. How can I help you cope so you can help me cope so we can find our way through this big change together?”
For someone who isn’t a natural dominant that could mean he needs to dial back. But if he’s only concerned about putting pressure (a classic reflex if you don’t understand Submission) then reassuring him that keeping up with the rules and maintenance helps relieve pressure on you.
I’ll just add that in my own household, growing up with a sibling who was on the A-Team (medium-functioning atypical Aspbergers) it might help to add that setting and sticking to predictable behaviors and routines will benefit everyone.
Finally, again based on first, second, and third-hand experience with autism-spectrum and other life-changing diagnoses, it helps to be clear that each individual’s needs are going to be higher at first but that over time, as grief and shock fades, what once seemed like catastrophic changes become new routines. It won’t necessarily be the old life but long as nobody burns bridges that can’t be rebuilt it won’t be a bad life, together, I promise.