Why can’t the Dominant’s and submissive’s needs be on equal footing?


I posted this post yesterday: https://pleasurewhore.tumblr.com/post/163264072317/just-a-reminder-to-the-submissives-out-there-his

I had a question asked in the comments today that I think requires a more elaborate response than I am able to give by commenting back.

Part of the post was this D/s hierarchy:

The submissive’s needs, above

the Dominant’s needs, above

the Dominant’s desires, above

the submissive’s desires.

The question asked was this: Why can’t the Dominant’s and submissive’s needs be on equal footing?

To the asker, and anyone else who might have such a question in mind, let me try to explain my understanding as best I can.

I want you to think of a ship captain. It is their responsibility in times of emergency/distress to ensure the safety of their passengers and crew above their own. This is not because the captain’s life is inherently less valuable, just as a Dominant’s needs are not inherently less valuable than a submissive’s. It is because they have stepped into a role of leadership and responsibility, much as a Dominant does.

A Dominant is at their core a caregiver. They ask the submissive for vulnerability, and in return offer leadership. Part of leadership is putting the needs of those you lead above your own. Not because you are lesser, but because when you ask someone to give you their trust you must return that trust with the greatest protection that you can offer. And for that reason those who follow come before those who lead.

To the asker, I hope that this helps to explain my understanding.

You may notice that I always spell it D/S and not “D/s.” And spell it Submissive and not submissive.  You should too.

The roles we choose when we enter a relationship.  They’re approaches we prefer involving practices and stances and behaviors we enjoy.  Mistaking these things for the way we instead are would be like imagining that liking Chinese makes one Chinese… no, beyond that that it’s like imagining that if I like Chinese food I must also speak Chinese!

We might define Dominant and Submissive partner’s wants and needs differently, but “different” ≠ “greater or less than.”  They’re still partners and therefore already on an equal footing.  Failing to recognize reality is not the same thing at all as reality not existing, or mattering.