Why do you think Doms get asked more questions than subs?




I hate when I wake up to questions in my inbox that require actual, ya know, thought. :p Just kidding, it’s actually a great question. But I do have to think on it a bit ….. (2 cups of coffee later) …. OK, so a couple of possible thoughts …

The “authority figure” factor is probably a big part of it. Doms who are articulate and write well about the life tend to attract Followers who think about the life more than the average denizen of Tumble Town, for whom Tumblr is simply a smorgasbord of wank-fodder. Those thoughtful Followers tend to think along the lines of “I wonder how X works …. hmmm, this guy here seems to really know his stuff, I wonder what will happen if I send him a question about X …. (hours later) …. Eeeek!!!! Omigod, he answered my question!!!!”  :p Other thoughtful Followers, seeing that someone got a solid and respectful answer to their question, then feel comfortable sending questions of their own. Snowball effect ensues. The “authority figure” effect is intensified because most Followers who ask questions, from what I’ve seen on my and other Dom blogs, tend to be submissives (who, right or wrong, see Doms as authority figures by default). For every question I get from a young Dom looking for mentorship, I get 20+ from submissives.

Another factor that might occur to some people (but which I don’t think is so much a factor, as I’ll discuss in a moment) is that thoughtful Doms tend to publish a lot of the kind of articles that establish them as an authority. But I wonder about this aspect of it; I know sharp and thoughtful submissives who write eloquently and often about the life, and as far as I know (and all of them are people I follow, so I’d know) they don’t get a bunch of Asks. I’ll poll them now to see if that’s just perception, or if in fact they don’t get a lot of Asks:

@tangledupheart @asubmissiveview @empoweredsubmissive @heels12345 @subgirlygirl do you folks get a lot of Asks and messages looking for advice?

(Note to my Followers: if you don’t follow these people ^^^ you definitely should. They’re smart as fuck, and they know their shit.)

Open discussion for my Followers, particularly my submissive Followers: when you’re looking for advice, to you tend to gravitate more towards asking a Dom rather than a sub? If so, why?

I personally would be more likely to go to a submissive if I needed input on something in terms of just our dynamic. If I needed information about something kink related I’d be most likely to go to a trusted resource than a person. In terms of most things I just go to my Dom for his perspective on how we proceed because that’s going to be the most useful information for me. 

I get asked for advice I’d say 1-2x times a week on average by fellow subs, but 99% of the time it’s through DM, not asks. I blog a lot (5x?) more frequently than my Dom but he’s gotten about half as many asks as I ever have, so proportionally to how active we are he gets more for sure. He’s also been asked things via DM but only a couple times ever. I think part of that reason is just that subs are more likely to be more comfortable having full conversations (or just befriending) other subs in general.

My theory is that Tumbr is kind of desperate for the dom perspective on most things. There seems to be way more submissive bloggers than dom bloggers in general and we want to understand what makes doms tick. And those doms who do blog, often focus on writing erotica or talking about sex and kink. And so many try to do the “I’m so dark and unpredictable and scary” thing. ???? 

So those doms who are just themselves and who talk about the lifestyle aspects, whether exclusively or in addition to kink, have good odds of doing well on Tumblr in general. If I didn’t have dom of my own I’d probably be driving others nuts with asks because I have such a deep desire to understand the D side of the slash. I am constantly asking CD questions about what he thinks about D/s and why. It’s fascinating to me because it’s just so alien to my own thinking as a submissive. 

We’ve had this conversation 500 times.

“I can’t imagine being a Dom. I don’t get why you like it.”

“I like that you trust me to lead you, and that doing so makes you feel safe and protected. Nothing feels better than knowing that.”

“But it comes with so much responsibility! That’s so stressful!”

“It can be stressful sometimes, but it’s worth it. I like the responsibility because I know you trust me with it.”

“I’ve had people trust me and it feels good but not good enough to take on all that burden. Deciding everything all the time? It sounds so terrible. I don’t get it! Whyyyyy”

“I just told you why. It’s not a burden because it’s something I desire to have. It would only be a burden if I didn’t think it was worthwhile or meaningful. You know I like making decisions and you don’t, that is part of the difference too.”

“But that isn’t enough reasons to make it worth it! I still don’t get it.”

“We’re just different. It is worth it to me.”

 “I could never be a Dom.”

“Well…given that neither of us want you to be a Dom I’m glad.




^^^ The “conversation” at the end of @amysubmits post is fantastic! I’ve had so many similar mini-versions of this both in my head and with people. It made me giggle.

Lovely conversation throughout!

Some of the best advice I’ve ever seen about topping has been written by Subs.