With all the gross shit in the news these days about dirty old men raping, sexually harassing and assaulting other people, how is it easy for some to find the rough, nasty stuff enjoyable and think it’s any different? I find that even though it may be consensual, it’s less than a hairline away from all the shit being talked about today. What’s to stop these people from actually carrying out these destructive fantasies out? When anyone speaks against it, suddenly it’s kink shaming? So confusing.



Wait, are you talking about just regular rough sex/BDSM? Because there’s a huge fucking line between consensual BDSM play and assaulting someone.

That line is called consent.

A fair number of us absorb stuff from our violent, misogynistic, homophobic society as kids. When we grow up, it turns into sexual fantasies. The moral people? They find a partner who’s into the same stuff, write a script, follow it to the letter, and then order pizza and watch Brooklyn 99. The evil people find some scared, vulnerable, unwilling person and do whatever the hell they want. (And then hopefully go to jail, which is where they belong.)

The tops I’ve been with would never assault someone. They are kind and gentle, and when they hit me or tie me up, it’s because I asked them to. And they’re always there to hold me and kiss me and tell me it’s ok afterward.

It’s the difference between enjoying an exciting or scary book where you already know the ending (happily ever after), and actually being inside an exciting or scary book as one of the characters where you could fucking die. It’s riding a roller coaster with regular safety inspections instead of jumping off a cliff without a harness and hitting the rocks below.

You know and trust the person topping you. You know the end of the script because you wrote it yourself. You know you’re going to get cuddles and kisses and ice cream later. And most importantly, you asked.

(Not everyone has to be into BDSM. Vanilla sex is great too. This is just for those of us who are into it.)

Yes yes yes

It’s such a lower-case-v vanilla question!  Nothing terribly wrong with not getting it.  But it’s a big reason to be wary of vanilla people (would-be tops and would-be bottoms!)  Because this kind of ignorance is not bliss!

@raedmagdon’s gentle schooling knocked the answer out of the park.  

So sweet!