You are always at pains to distinguish your situation from that of a cuckold and that of an FLR. How is D not a cuckold. A cuckold lets wife sleep with others. He does not have to be submissive (wittols are submissive). FLR is a bit more controlling I grant, but there are shades of FLR in hotwife as well. Where do you see the differences. Lastly you say the reason you are in this is because of your husbands. What about wives of cuckolds and FLR women. what are they there for ? Husbands ?


First, let me help you to distinguish between a regular Hotwife situation, often referred to as a Stag and Vixen relationship, and that of a Cuckold situation:

Cuckold (definition): 

A man who willingly encourages his wife to sleep with other people on her own and without his involvement because it brings him pleasure. A Cuckold typically has a masochistic desire for humiliation, degradation, control and other demeaning activities at the hands of his wife and her lover.  He willingly submits to his wife’s pleasure and whims and craves the experience of being dominated and directed.  He enjoys being in a position of “servitude” to his wife, and often desires to be denied any sexual gratification for himself.  In Cuckold relationships, the man is almost always precluded from any involvement, from his wife choosing a partner, when she dates, how she dates, and any direct interaction in the sexual acts themselves, unless his wife wishes for him to “watch” without participation.  

Stag and Vixen (what I consider the “regular Hotwife Relationship” (definition):

In the case of stags and vixens, there isn’t the same element of humiliation, degradation or control. The man (stag) who would in cuckolding be the cuck, instead enjoys watching his other half (vixen) getting sexual and or emotional gratification from other men.  He is highly involved in the process from helping his wife choose a partner to even joining in when it suits both partners.  The stag is most often an alpha male who does not enjoy or participate in humiliation at the hands of his wife, rather his pleasure is driven by her receiving pleasure and his desire to “share” his partner.  He is turned on by the idea of sharing his wife (vixen), and his wife is turned on at the idea of turning on her husband (stag).

These are two definitions from a website dedicated to all of the different lifestyles out there, so I didn’t come up with those.  You can see the differences between the two types of Hotwife relationships – one is female led and based on control of the husband (at his request) and one is a mutually led, or even a male led, relationship where the wife is participating in the stag’s fantasy.  

I would argue that there are any aspects of a FLR in the normal Stag and Vixen lifestyle – the Vixen does NOT do anything without the urging and expressed consent of her Stag.  The Stag has control and is able to stop anything at any time.  Here’s an example – I always speak to D before a date, on my way to a date, and as the date is beginning.  If at ANY time I received a message that said “Stop and come home”, everything would stop immediately and I would come home.  That’s the rule – no one does anything without the other’s approval or consent, and each party has the right of refusal at all times. 

I can’t speak to the reasons why women in Cuckold relationships do what they do, as I am not a dominant female and D is not a Cuckold.  The only thing that I CAN say is that in each situation it is by mutual consent, even in the Cuckold situation because that is what these men desire.  Anything that is done without consent is cheating, and cheating has no place in any type of Hotwife lifestyle.

I hope that clears things up for you a little bit 

– S 

To add – I don’t enjoy, nor encourage, any degration or humiliation.  I can tell you that “S” is only doing these things at my request, after a year of convincing, and as she said, she’d stop any time I asked. I’m also not withheld sex, I remain her “primary”, I’m not in chastity, I’m not in a position of servitude, and everything that happens is with my blessing (or my request).

If you want to call that a cuckold, then fine. Everyone applies slightly different labels to various aspects of the lifestyle, but I certainly wouldn’t agree that we have a Female Led Relationship. If anything, it’s the contrary. She’s almost always the one that caves to my sexual fantasies and whims.


Am I almost completely clueless about contemporary “hotwife” culture?  Yes, completely!  Is this Tumblr though?  Also yes, this is totally Tumblr!  Can anyone stop me from mansplaining shit I know very little about?  No!!!!!  So…

It often confuses people that a Dom can also be a Masochist or that a Sadist can also be a Sub.  (See also On Bratty Subs: They Might be Doms!)  But it’s just not the case that if someone is a bottom in one dimension of kink that they’re a bottom in all the others as well.  (See also Stop calling all bottoms “subs”)

Making the assumption that Hotwife kinks are similar to other kinks, it’s very likely that the less you know the more you’re going to fall back on stereotypes, assumptions, and maybe equally poorly-informed memes from standup comedy and bullshit “dominatrix/sissification” porn…

And just naturally assume that all Hotwives are dominant and their primary partners are all Subs.  And, perhaps, that all “Bulls” and “Stags” are Doms… which you’d think would complicate the Hotwives are Doms stereotypes.

Instead it’s likely Hotwives, their primary partners, and their secondary partners are the normal mix of Doms, Subs, and neither.

  1.  Trick  Quick question: When two partners are Swingers who’s the Dom and who’s the Sub?
  2. Quick question: When one partner’s a swinger and the other isn’t, who’s the Dom and who’s the Sub?
  3. Quick question: In a poly relationship, who’s the Dom and who’s the Sub?
  4. Final quick question: When one partner has a plain old-fashioned tawdry affair, who’s the Dom and who’s the Sub?

See a pattern here?  In each of the questions, above, it makes absolutely no sense at all to label one partner a “Sub” and the other a “Dom,” does it?  No, it really doesn’t.

And yet, in spite of @oursexyexploration’s repeated answers, people keep fall allllllll over themselves trying to fit Hotwife women and their partners into one of those two categories.

  • Are there Subby men who are into the humiliation of not being able to “satisfy” their Dominant partners?  Sure!
  • Are there Dominant men who are into humiliating their Submissive partners by “giving” them to other men?  Yeah, that too!
  • Are there low-libido men who are kind enough to let their partners have sex with others?  Of course!
  • Are there 20th-Century-style “latent homosexual ????” men who get vicarious pleasure out licking semen from their partner’s bodies?  Sure, why not?
  • Are there men who get a voyeuristic/pornographic thrill watching or even just hearing about their partner’s sexual experiences?  Bound to be!
  • Are there men who are anxious about their own ability to “satisfy” their partners, possibly because of penis dysphoria?  Evidently!
  • Are their men who just like confirmation that, yeah, someone else thinks their partner’s “still” sexually attractive?  Who knows, maybe so!

And that’s just a handful of ways male primary appear to approach “Hotwife” relationships!  We haven’t even gotten started on women’s possible interest, motivations, or justifications, let alone their Dom, Sub, or neutral stance on the matter.  Nor have we looked at secondary-partners, who, while seriously underrepresented in the literature no doubt have multiple motivations of their own.

Point of my uninformed, man’splainy screed here is that “Hotwives,” and their partners, are people!  With kinks!  And that, as with almost all people and all kinks, the stereotypes about them are almost always vastly wrong.