you look like the kind of girl who would file a sexual harassment claim against a guy that slapped her ass, no fun.


damn, I hate it when guys don’t think i’m fun cos I don’t like when they sexually assault me

Yeah.  This.

Ok. So.  Clue: you know there’s a fetish out there where people get turned on by having a 55 gallon drum of fresh, hot, wet, natural fertilizer dumped on them when they least expect it?  Yeah.  Can’t find the link but there actually is such a thing.  Out of seven billion people in the world there might only be a handful.  But there’s a fetish for it out there.


There’s also a thing where people get turned on by having their ass slapped randomly, unexpectedly, and without prior agreement too.  There are probably more who like that than like the barrel of fresh cowshit trick.  But they’re still a tiny chunk of the population.

Odds are anybody you slap on the ass?  They’re not one of those.

So!  Let’s continue the theme for a bit longer.  What are you going to do if someone gives you the cow-pie Gatoraide trick in the office?  I’m… gunna guess you’d call the cops, sue them, and maybe beat them to death with the first heavy thing you can lay hands on.  

And y’know what?  Chance is you’d do those things even if your nominal “paramour” thought you looked like you be one of the guys who’d like it.  Be flattered.  Maybe even turned on!

Y’know something else?  Chances are you’d even do those things – lawsuit, criminal complaint, grievous bodily harm – even if they said “hey, hey, sorry, I was just fooling around!”

And if someone said “you look like the kind of guy who’d call the cops, sue, and savagely beat a guy who dumped a little cowshit, no fun?”  You’d burn down my house too, wouldn’t you?

Oh, and one more thing?  Even if you did like the occasional unsolicited bullshit bodywash, at work?  You still might fucking well not want me to be the one doing it to you.

So.  Back to ass slapping.

Don’t be that guy.

Trust me, I’ve been that guy!  And you know what?  No matter how long I live, no matter how decent I become, I’ll still be the one who was “that guy.”  To people who neither needed, wanted, or liked it.  And no amount of “sorry” will make it up.  And you know something?  I’m pretty fucking sorry.

Oh, and one last thing?  Even at my asshole-iest asshole stages I fucking goddamn well knew “no fun” was a straight-up dick-move response.

Don’t be that guy.  Don’t be the kind of asshole I’ve been.  Definitely don’t be a bigger dick that I’ve been.