You seem to give sound advice, so I thought I’d give it a shot. Sorry if it’s a bother. The only truly D/s relationship I’ve had ended terribly. I was too young, and didn’t really understand how a healthy dynamic works. So, I’ve sorta kept away from it- short of a few partners who attempted to get into it for me but didn’t come naturally to. How does one find a solid partner? Is online the only bet? I feel it’s unrealistic to expect to find what I’m looking for in a Dom by coincidence.



This is probably the hardest question to answer for anyone because there is really no right way.  You can meet partners naturally, just in the ordinary realm, you can meet them online or you can look in your area for munches or play parties and see if there are any interesting people there.  Your local community likely has some sort of kink group that could help you meet like minded people.

In your case, since your initial foray into this world ended badly, I would make sure that you take extra time with your next partner.  Make sure they understand your limits and needs and that you both are on the same page in terms of what you both desire.  It’s unfortunate that a bad experience in this dynamic can really color future ones.  Although all relationships take time to recover from, a bad D/s dynamic can take longer and it’s important to make sure that you enter into one carefully.  I wish you luck in this and hope your search proves fruitful.

It’s been almost ten years since that relationship, and I’m still recovering from it. A large part of that is probably due to me ignoring and repressing a lot of the feelings it caused, but it definitely does have a much longer lasting effect than a typical relationship.

To anyone who is young, inexperienced, or a virgin, please listen when we tell you to wait to dive into the kink world. Wait until you have confidence and experience with the general before getting into the complex. It can have long lasting negative effects to start exploring before you even know what “normal” is supposed to look like. You need to build a solid foundation of trust- and that starts with the essentials.

Waiting is terrible, I know. But the longer you wait the more intensely you crave, and things taste so much sweeter when you’re salivating.

Wherever you are in kink it might be a good idea to stop and read this a couple times.