Hi! I was hoping to get an advise even though I know you’re not female. My bf is pissed off at me because we haven’t been intimate with each other for a few weeks because he’s waiting for me to start first. He’s angry cause we only have sex if he starts it. But I’m scared cause he rejected me twice. I’m diagnosed with depression & anxiety. I’ve scars and I hate my body and i don’t know what to anymore. I don’t know how to start with anything related to intimacy..
So your partner wants you to initiate sex in part because he feels like he always has to be the one. But you’re feeling anxious about it because you’ve maybe got body issues and depression and anxiety on top of that.
Even worse, at least two of the times you have tried initiating he’s rejected you!
That’s got to be so frustrating! I mean on the one hand it’s really nice that he’s open to you initiating. But on the other hand, insisting that you initiate, rejecting you, and then being pissed that you aren’t initiating more is… being generous here… kind of a dick move, isn’t it?
There are all kinds of situations that could lead to something like this. Just power-tripping is one of them (and might be the most likely.) If so then it would be a good idea to decide if you’re really happier involved with him than if you were alone.
That’s a kind of scary feeling, I know, but sometimes a partner, especially a dominant one, can control us by making us feel bad and unlovable about ourselves. Sometimes they’re hard on us for things other partners wouldn’t notice or might even find adorable! Like you being a beginner at initiating things or letting them initiate. (Cough. For instance.)
There’s another possibility though, and I want to be really sensitive about it. But you’ve mentioned depression, anxiety, and discomfort with your body, right? Is there a possibility that he is (or thinks he is) frustrated because you often turn him down when he tries to initiate? Like. Did he say something like “fine, you do it then?”
That would still be kind of a dick move. But as you’ve discovered from trying to initiate yourself, rejection can get you right through the middle, can’t it?
Again, I don’t know enough about your and his dynamic to be able to be very helpful. But I can say that a lot of times intimacy doesn’t start with sex. A lot of the time it starts with walking and talking, texting ahead of time to say things like “I miss you” and “I’m looking forward to seeing you.” It can be more bold, like saying, “when you get here I want to kiss you all over.” But it also can involve things like holding hands, talking about your feelings (the good ones), asking if you can kiss him or if he’ll kiss you.
If he’s critical of your overtures then, well, again that’s kind of a dick move. But ask him what he’d like. And then decide if it’s what you’d like.
A good way to tell if he’s right for you: let him know that you’re trying and that you’re taking baby steps and ask if he’ll be willing to “take over” if you’ll get started.
If he says “I appreciate that you’re trying, come give me a kiss” then great. If he says “No, that’s not quite good enough” then consider dumping his little heiney and holding out someone who’s more generous.
I’m not sure this was a very helpful answer. But best of luck with your boyfriend or, perhaps, with your next boyfriend.
My boyfriend of four years was like this -constantly upset that we weren’t having sex (which I wanted all the time anyway) but also not giving it up when I initiated because he was already mad we weren’t having sex. So I spent about two years trying to communicate and work on it with him, finding out when a good time of day for him was, listening and understanding different types of mood and when he would like sex to be initiated and when it was annoying him -and you know what? I fucking dumped that loser. It took me far too long to figure out it wasn’t about the sex, it was about him needing a reason to be angry and upset over SOMETHING and he had pinpointed sex, thinking that I, a “virgin”, when we first got together would be too much of a shy little thang to confront that shit head on.
I’m not saying communication is bad, and oldenough has a lot of great info here -but first check and make sure it wouldn’t be more fulfilling to find another dick to ride. Sometimes what a person wants is a reason to be anything but happy, because then their happiness is your responsibility and they can blame their emotional state, wants, and needs on another person.
Just full stop, and every so often check your bullshit meter to make sure this isn’t a little problem he needs to fix himself before making you feel like shit. Being rejected from intimacy over and over, especially after verbally laying the ground work, is deeply damaging and could take years to recover from. Very few people are worth that.
Reblogging to include @fellpieces addition. I may have been too diplomatic but fellpieces has been there.
