top: you don’t get to cum
service top: you don’t get to stop cumming
Slight correction here
top: you don’t get to come till I let you
also top: you don’t get to stop coming till I let you
Nothing wrong with service. But it’s pretty misunderstood.
Each of these things is technically “service.”
- Walking your dog
- Making dinner for your kids
- Going along with the joke
- Leading an expedition
- Standing on stage and getting everyone to clap while you solo out on “We Will Rock You.”
- Washing a car because you were asked to
- Washing a car because you were told to
- Washing your car because it’s your car and you want to make it glow
- Changing a baby’s diaper
- Rescuing a child from a burning building
- Edging someone till they’re a gibbering mess
- Making someone come and come till they’re a gibbering mess
- Answering “sure, princess” when someone says please let me come
- Answering “we’ll see, princess” when someone says please let me come
But not all service is subservient, is it? No, not at all.
Goodness, your panties are soaked! C’mere, fluffbucket, so Daddy can get you out of these wet things…
Great advice, definitely worth remembering for the future.
But for this particular relationship, I’d say don’t bother giving him a second chance. Just break things off now – he’s already demonstrated he’s not a D-type as far as I’m concerned.
You don’t have to send anyone nudes you don’t want to.
You don’t have to show anything to anyone you don’t want to.
You never have to send nudes.
So, now that that’s out of the way: A d-type doesn’t declare rules like some god-chosen omnipotent emperor on his throne. Rules are a negotiation and they’re agreed upon by both parties. He doesn’t have “his rules” the two of you have “your rules”.
He can want to create a rule about nudes, you can discuss said rule, and you can agree to said rule if you want to. Or you can tell him nudes are a limit you’re not ready to break and that’s that.
If you’ve told him that nudes are a limit and he continues to pressure you into giving him some knuckle thunder then he’s not respecting you, your relationship or the d/s dynamic.
You need to sit down and have a meta-talk with him. Explain you’re uncomfortable with nudes, explain they’re a limit that you’re not willing to move past right now (or ever if that’s your choice), explain his pressuring makes you uncomfortable. If he can’t respect that and stop the pressure immediately, then he’s no d-type.
He keeps telling me it’s his rule to send him full nudes and I have to obey.
Yeah, maybe he’s young and inexperienced, but he’s also pushy and selfish, and clearly interested in putting his desires for immediate gratification over your comfort and boundaries.
There are plenty of guys out there who pretend to be doms, because they think they’ll get easy access to titillation and sex, without having to bother with all that tedious treating other people with respect. He strikes me very strongly as one of those.
It’s not your job to teach him to be a better person. If you leave him, and tell him why, maybe he’ll learn better for the next person. But he’s very unlikely to change behaviour with you – he’ll just keep at it till he faces real consequences.
General ummutable rule for Submissives: kink is supposed to make you happy. For that matter sex is supposed to make you happy whether you’re kinky or not! And so if something doesn’t make you feel happy, fulfilled, or generally satisfied then a partner asking you to do it doesn’t make it magically ok.
If it turns you on to be asked for naked selfies? If it makes you excited? Gets your creative juices flowing, or just gets your juices flowing period? Awesome! Go for it! Hope your partner asks every time!
But if it doesn’t? Also awesome! Negotiate the hell out of it or draw the line entirely.
Another way to put that immutable law: whatever your role in kink, you’re still an autonomous and equal member of your relationships.
It’s not just your Dom who needs to get that. You need to get that too. Really. I promise!
D/S, D/Lg, S&M, B&D, even plain old vanilla sex works better… lots better… when everyone remembers that you’re in it for each other, yes, but you’re also there for yourself.
And look. This isn’t about “topping from the bottom!. No matter how Submissive you are, if someone visits your home you still tell them things like they need to take short showers because there’s not much hot water, that you keep the doors closed so the cat won’t get out, and that the bottom step is wobbly, right? That’s not “domination” that’s courtesy! It’s responsibility! It’s saying “you’ll need to keep these things in mind.”
You’ll warn them that putting their bags against the baseboard heaters could burn their stuff and fill the place with smoke, right?
It’s the same thing in D/S.
“If you ask me for nudes it’ll burn our relationship” is also an ok thing to say. For the same reason! Expressing one’s boundaries and limits isn’t just responsible, it’s courteous!
OH IT MAKES SENSE NOW THANK YOU FOR PUTTING IT INTO WORDS
Same story for evil cops. Environments that allow predators and abusers to thrive and be protected are going to fill up with predators and abusers no matter how good the people around them are.
It happens in a lot of fields. Cops, social workers, priests, volunteers who work with kids, foster parents. Predators operate at their peak in positions of authority where they can act unquestioned.
Might want to add abusive “Doms” and “Daddies” in the D/S community…