Because there are all kinds of ways to do pet play, aren’t there, shrimpsauce? Sometimes it’s about cute kittens or grovelly little puppies. But sometimes it’s about Daddy needing to tame his hungry, hungry lion too, isn’t it?
At some point, I’m just wondering, how many people don’t understand what consent is and how hypnosis is supposed to work.
Like, if I post on my tumblr, “covertly try to hypnotize me” and then you come into my DMs with a link to a spiral, it’s consensual because I already said yes to it.
If I didn’t, and you hopped in my DMs with a spiral, it wouldn’t be consensual and that would be a form of abuse.
Things I’ve experienced:
– Random usage of dropped triggers
– Completely going off discussion and ignoring boundaries
– Literally watched someone go, “well communicating means my TRIGGER HEAVY induction won’t work, and I’m actually going to be pretty much like an abuser” without realizing proper consent is important
– Mislabeled or unlabelled files with forced slavery or feminization
– Fucking bullshit with trying to “make another personality” without permission
– Forced unconsenual masturbation
– Forced Nudes
– Tried to literally break my relationship up
– Random Messaging when I said I was at dinner in an attempt to trance me
Consent isn’t just important, it stops you from being a fucking predator. Like, what the fuck.
And because of it, and because Tists are dumb and assholes. Subs, here’s some tips.
First off: Look for a reputation. If the person’s been called creepy or pushy, chances are they’re not good. Sometimes just asking about the guy will get you like, DMs. Look out for posts detailing abusers and predators.
Second: Establish firm boundaries, make sure the person can remember them after conversing. It might seem weird, but, if someone can’t take the time to remember what you don’t want, then they shouldn’t be having that power over you. They should keep notes on it.
Three: Make sure you can keep the boundaries yourself. Sometimes it helps to record yourself a little audio thing, or write yourself a post. One of the major things in the community should be safety, and whilst it’s easier for a live person to take you deep, if you can give yourself some safety triggers, it’s better than nothing.
Four: Write important things down. Hypnotic Amnesia is popular, and until you’re sure you can trust the person, it’s best to be safe than sorry, write down what your name is, how old you are, and anything else that you’re worried on forgetting, including your boundaries.
Five: Set a session length, or a time you need to go, and then set an alarm for that time before you start. Make sure it’s something loud and you’d notice being intrusive. This is actually good for responsibilities too, because time can fly and you might need to go to dinner with your family or something. Also give yourself time to practice self care to avoid sub drop.
Six: Don’t be afraid to cut someone off if they creep you out or you feel uncomfortable. Even if it’s just the fact the person uses too many smileys. Your comfort matters, and you’re not going to vibe with everyone.
Seven: First sessions should be light, introductory, and you should know exactly what you’re getting into. If you’re confused, ask questions.
Eight: Get to know one another. It seems weird if it’ll only be one time, but, knowledge helps. If they’re willing to take the time to talk before a session, that’s good.
Nine: Friendships are good. Whether it be Subs or Tists, having friends in the community gives you places to go to when things go wrong. Don’t be afraid to message someone in the community to try and be friends.
Ten: Speak out. If you see someone getting taken advantage of, or experience it, tell people. It’s better to let the community know there’s a predator, and it helps for anyone in step one.
Eleven: Sub Drop. This isn’t actually about predators as much as it is about mental and physical self care. Intense emotions and activities can give you a really good euphoria. When you come down suddenly or you don’t let yourself slowly fade out while relaxing, being comforted, you can experience sub drop. Personally, I’ve never had it, but I’ve been around folks who have. Set things up beforehand so you can have aftercare. Even if it means making yourself some nice coffee and wearing your favourite robe. Give yourself some time to recover from the impact of the session.
Twelve: What works for you, works for you. Don’t be pushed into things you don’t like/don’t find work. Advice is free, your experiences and ideas matter. If you can’t do X, you can’t and that’s fine. Personally, I find Step 9 difficult because of my neurodivergence and my anxiety. Friends are hard to make. But I’m very good with one and three.
Thirteen: Stay safe, have fun. Make sure to drink lots of fluids n take care of yourself. This should be enjoyable for you, regardless of kink, or recreational. It should be fun, and good.
I know there are better guides out there, but I hope this helps! I wish you all the best.
I don’t actually know much about hypno kink, though when I was a little kid hypnosis sounded awesome! This discussion of hypnosis boundaries and limits seems like a very good introduction.
You can learn a lot about a kink from an expert’s caveats.
Cute date idea: you win me a huge teddy then make me hump it while you watch once we get home
An older, experienced Daddy who understands that not everybody is ready for penetration finds other ways to help you show get off, doesn’t he, appleseed?
By Thomas Oldenough | December 2, 2019 | Comments Off on Why does BDSM have to involve pushing the s-type’s boundaries so often? Can it be valid D/s if nobody’s boundaries are being pushed? I’m not interested in pushing the boundaries of others but I’m definitely not vanilla/egalitarian. I limit my dominance/sadism to people who can ignore it at least, enthusiastically like it at most, whose boundaries aren’t anywhere near anything I’d do. Is this not a way to be a d-type?
BDSM doesn’t *have* to involve pushing boundaries, at least not in the sense that it seems like you are thinking. I think a lot of people misunderstand what people are saying when they talk about pushing them, and that’s really on those of us who write about kink because we don’t always explain ourselves well.
In my experience, there are two different types of boundaries- there are those that someone doesn’t want pushed, and those that they do. It’s basically similar to the concept of soft limits vs hard limits. A soft limit should be approached with care and only after discussion, whereas a hard limit should never be approached at all.
With boundaries, there are going to be times when someone genuinely wants those pushed, and that’s when it comes into play. Maybe they feel like they don’t tolerate pain well but are super interested in seeing how far they can take it, for example. Or maybe they are trying to overcome an aversion to toys. It could be any number of things depending on the person. Those cases are the ones wherein the d-type should be pushing boundaries, but of course just as with a soft-limit, there needs to be discussion beforehand and the situation needs to be approached with an abundance of care.
But again, that’s only when the s-type genuinely wants to test those boundaries. There is *nothing* that says we (as d-types) should be pushing every boundary. Frankly, if a partner tells me they arent comfortable with something and doesn’t express a desire to get comfortable with it, I treat it like a hard limit until they tell me otherwise. There is a big difference between “I’m not great with pain but it’s something I really want to work on” and “I don’t enjoy pain”, you know? And while it certainly merits discussion if someone’s boundaries/limits are your “must haves”, one of the cardinal sins a d-type can commit is to try and persuade someone into doing something they don’t want to do.
Also worth mentioning: d-types have limits and boundaries too, and if one of your boundaries is that you don’t want to push anyone else’s boundaries, that’s absolutely valid! You’re not doing it “wrong” because there isn’t one objectively “right” way to do this. I have plenty of limits and boundaries for myself and every other d-type I know does too.
The bottom line is you’re absolutely well within your rights to not want to push someone’s boundaries! Just make sure that whoever you play with understands that so that you can both be on the same page, because some people are genuinely looking to have at least some of their boundaries pushed.
Thank you for writing in! Best of luck on your path!
-LMS
So nicely said! It’s pretty important to recognize the difference between D/S or S&M kinks and, you know, psychopathology and dissociation. Or abuse and codependence.
Comments Off on Why does BDSM have to involve pushing the s-type’s boundaries so often? Can it be valid D/s if nobody’s boundaries are being pushed? I’m not interested in pushing the boundaries of others but I’m definitely not vanilla/egalitarian. I limit my dominance/sadism to people who can ignore it at least, enthusiastically like it at most, whose boundaries aren’t anywhere near anything I’d do. Is this not a way to be a d-type?
See also the aptly named The Big List of Unusual Punishments by KristanX at Lascivity.co.uk – there’s quite a list, going from ass/anal punishments to stress positions.
But finally, folks also need to check out You’ve Been a Bad Submissive: Learn How to Atone and Forgive Yourself, also by lunaKM. In addition to acknowledging that sometimes one needs to ask for more punishment if one doesn’t feel one has atoned, there’s also a lovely, humane section about forgiving yourself!
“You are Human: Lastly, and probably the hardest for submissives to accept is that there will always be mistakes. You are still human and no matter how perfect your life is, sometimes things will get out of hand, you’ll forget yourself or something else will catapult you into a moment of disobedience. Remember also, that your Dominant knows you are human and that there will be times of correction. That’s why after punishment you are forgiven. He or she has already moved on. They hope that you will too.”
I’m sorry I can’t give a better answer but I hope some of those links help. It’s a good question and I hope you find the right answer for you!
