You can’t be a Dom and be a Drunk



You can’t be a Dom and be a drunk.

A friend of mine sent me a text yesterday.  “You can’t be a Dom and be a drunk”  She said it in reference to the NY AG stepping down.

My response was “I’ve heard that.”  I don’t know if she got that it stung but it did.

I struggle with alcohol and have for a very long time, I’m on a path to recover now and I pursue my own aggressive brand of therapy mixing AA and Smart Recovery.

Always in the scene the Dom must be on and be emotionally and mentally fixed, prepared and certainly not impaired.  I practice that in all ways all the time during play sessions. I consider being with a partner in a D/s situation with the same gravity I take with any sort of action that could have serious consequences, whether it be riding a motorcycle, handling firearms or being in a  combat zone.

I guess my question is that as a broken person can I be a Dom? I think the answer is yes but at the same time I don’t know I guess I won’t find out until and unless I’m in a position to be with a submissive again.

On the NY AG issue, personally my belief is that he was an ill informed ass of an abuser who like many watched 50 Shades or BDSM porn and thought that shit was how it was done. 

Forgive me, friend, for tugging this up from the archives. I had it saved in my drafts because I wanted to respond to it but couldn’t quite figure out what I wanted to say.

I’m pretty sure I was the friend who said that. “You can’t be a Dom and a drunk.” And I’ve said similar things since then. The overarching thing for me is that, if you are not in control of yourself, you are not allowed to be in control of me. Period. Monsieur knows that if he goes out with friends and has too much to drink, that’s perfectly fine. But our D/s dynamic is effectively suspended until he is sober again, particularly when it comes to play. It’s a matter of safety and trust in the moment, not a judgment of his value as a Dominant.

It’s the same with you, dear friend. You are one of the good ones, and you have shown a great deal of responsibility and determination in making a lot of life changes in the time I’ve known you. Any submissive would be lucky to have you as her Dominant.

You can’t be a Dom or Daddy and a drunk. You can be a Dom or Daddy and be in recovery though. Self discipline matters in a Dom or Daddy. More important, maybe, is not being in denial.

@cherishedproperty makes the even more important point that you can’t be a Sub and a doormat or codependent. If your partner is impaired -whether by intoxication, anger, distraction, or fatigue – you gotta be up for whistling the play dead. Because your Dom can’t always.

A kink relationship is a relationship. Between equal, autonomous partners.

It’s not bad or wrong to get hammered. But it’s not ok to play with power tools while impaired. Or to operate power exchange.

You can be an awesome Dom in recovery. You can be a marvelous Sub and say this isn’t the right time.

Hats of to both @cherishedproperty and @twisted-from-lit.

You have a post about not feeling pressured to send nudes and I had a question. I’ve been with my Daddy for 3 months now and I’ve sent him some pictures when he’s really pushed me. I don’t like sending them to him. He keeps telling me it’s his rule to send him full nudes and I have to obey.


Great advice, definitely worth remembering for the future.

But for this particular relationship, I’d say don’t bother giving him a second chance. Just break things off now – he’s already demonstrated he’s not a D-type as far as I’m concerned. 


You don’t have to send anyone nudes you don’t want to.
You don’t have to show anything to anyone you don’t want to.
You never have to send nudes.

So, now that that’s out of the way: A d-type doesn’t declare rules like some god-chosen omnipotent emperor on his throne.  Rules are a negotiation and they’re agreed upon by both parties.  He doesn’t have “his rules” the two of you have “your rules”.  

He can want to create a rule about nudes, you can discuss said rule, and you can agree to said rule if you want to.  Or you can tell him nudes are a limit you’re not ready to break and that’s that.

If you’ve told him that nudes are a limit and he continues to pressure you into giving him some knuckle thunder then he’s not respecting you, your relationship or the d/s dynamic.

You need to sit down and have a meta-talk with him.  Explain you’re uncomfortable with nudes, explain they’re a limit that you’re not willing to move past right now (or ever if that’s your choice), explain his pressuring makes you uncomfortable.  If he can’t respect that and stop the pressure immediately, then he’s no d-type.

He keeps telling me it’s his rule to send him full nudes and I have to obey.

Yeah, maybe he’s young and inexperienced, but he’s also pushy and selfish, and clearly interested in putting his desires for immediate gratification over your comfort and boundaries. 

There are plenty of guys out there who pretend to be doms, because they think they’ll get easy access to titillation and sex, without having to bother with all that tedious treating other people with respect. He strikes me very strongly as one of those. 

 It’s not your job to teach him to be a better person. If you leave him, and tell him why, maybe he’ll learn better for the next person. But he’s very unlikely to change behaviour with you – he’ll just keep at it till he faces real consequences.

General ummutable rule for Submissives: kink is supposed to make you happy.  For that matter sex is supposed to make you happy whether you’re kinky or not!  And so if something doesn’t make you feel happy, fulfilled, or generally satisfied then a partner asking you to do it doesn’t make it magically ok.

If it turns you on to be asked for naked selfies?  If it makes you excited?  Gets your creative juices flowing, or just gets your juices flowing period?  Awesome!  Go for it!  Hope your partner asks every time!

But if it doesn’t?  Also awesome!  Negotiate the hell out of it or draw the line entirely.  

Another way to put that immutable law: whatever your role in kink, you’re still an autonomous and equal member of your relationships.  

It’s not just your Dom who needs to get that.  You need to get that too.  Really.  I promise!  

D/S, D/Lg, S&M, B&D, even plain old vanilla sex works better… lots better… when everyone remembers that you’re in it for each other, yes, but you’re also there for yourself.  

And look.  This isn’t about “topping from the bottom!.  No matter how Submissive you are, if someone visits your home you still tell them things like they need to take short showers because there’s not much hot water, that you keep the doors closed so the cat won’t get out, and that the bottom step is wobbly, right?  That’s not “domination” that’s courtesy!  It’s responsibility!  It’s saying “you’ll need to keep these things in mind.”

You’ll warn them that putting their bags against the baseboard heaters could burn their stuff and fill the place with smoke, right?

It’s the same thing in D/S.

“If you ask me for nudes it’ll burn our relationship” is also an ok thing to say.  For the same reason!  Expressing one’s boundaries and limits isn’t just responsible, it’s courteous!

Poly Misconceptions


October 6, 2019

Being Poly isn’t a life choice people make to enable them to have sex with multiple people.

Being Poly is admitting to yourself that you have the capacity to love and care for more than one partner, choosing to pursue multiple relationships, and doing your very best to see that each of those partners feel loved and fulfilled in the individual relationships you build with them. 

Being Poly isn’t about exploring sex with multiple people. 

Being Poly is about exploring love with multiple people


This!  The proper term for rubbing bits together people who aren’t your partner is “swinging.”  Or maybe “fucking around.”  Or even, you know, “infidelity.”

Once you get it’s not all about sex, and sometimes it’s not about sex at all, you realize polyamory’s been around for a very long time.

Once you get it you realize that a lot more people are poly than most people imagined.  Anddddd… also a lot fewer!

hi! long time fan, haha. what’s the best way to comfort an insecure Daddy without being patronizing? I’d love to tell mine how much I adore every curve and stretch mark and freckle, ect. but I don’t know how to do it without worrying that I’m breaking “character” or my “role” so to speak if that makes sense?

This is a wonderful question!  Thank you so much for asking.  It’s important to remember that Daddies and other men-identifying people can be just as self-conscious about our looks as anybody else.  And just as annoyingly difficult to convince otherwise!

As the old Red Green show tagline used to go, “If the women can’t find you handsome they should at least find you handy.”  Which was just ridiculously tragic, because, in fact, quite a few women are over the moon about “dad bodies” and “teddybears.”  (Also waifs, nerds, and other non-ruggedly-manly body types.)  This is something that wayyy too many men don’t realize.

So what’s the best way to comfort a Daddy who’s insecure about his curves, stretch marks, and freckles?  I honestly can’t say – I’ve had very little luck convincing anybody they’re attractive if they’re convinced they’re not.

It wasn’t till I started posting naked or nearly-naked selfies that I believed it.  It’s one of those weird “who are you going to believe, everyone else or my own lying eyes” things where I look at myself and I still can’t believe it.  I’m just outvoted.  (I don’t necessarily recommend he start posting nearly-naked selfies, and you might not want him to either, but he’d probably be surprised how outvoted he was.)

But let’s talk about something else for a second.  You said you didn’t know how to do it without breaking out of D/Lg character with him.  First of all I’m gonna say there are a million ways to do it in character: just shower him with “handsome, gorgeous, sexy Daddy” or “big, strong teddybear Daddy” or maybe “can I kiss you everywhere you’re handsome, Daddy?” 

But I’m also going to say it’s ok to say “Daddy, I’m going to have to put on my big-girl pants for a minute and have a heart-to-heart talk.”  Because even in 24/7 relationships there are going to be times when you and he have to talk like adults in a relationship… which of course you both actually are!  Kink relationships are still relationships!  They don’t erase or invalidate vanilla-relationship responsibilities, they extend them.  And that can include things like conversations about mental health, biological health, financial issues, work or school schedules, and reassurances about self-esteem.

Best of luck to you and to your very lucky Daddy.  And thanks so much for asking about this!

Why does BDSM have to involve pushing the s-type’s boundaries so often? Can it be valid D/s if nobody’s boundaries are being pushed? I’m not interested in pushing the boundaries of others but I’m definitely not vanilla/egalitarian. I limit my dominance/sadism to people who can ignore it at least, enthusiastically like it at most, whose boundaries aren’t anywhere near anything I’d do. Is this not a way to be a d-type?


Hi, @bloodpillowbook !

BDSM doesn’t *have* to involve pushing boundaries, at least not in the sense that it seems like you are thinking. I think a lot of people misunderstand what people are saying when they talk about pushing them, and that’s really on those of us who write about kink because we don’t always explain ourselves well.

In my experience, there are two different types of boundaries- there are those that someone doesn’t want pushed, and those that they do. It’s basically similar to the concept of soft limits vs hard limits. A soft limit should be approached with care and only after discussion, whereas a hard limit should never be approached at all.

With boundaries, there are going to be times when someone genuinely wants those pushed, and that’s when it comes into play. Maybe they feel like they don’t tolerate pain well but are super interested in seeing how far they can take it, for example. Or maybe they are trying to overcome an aversion to toys. It could be any number of things depending on the person. Those cases are the ones wherein the d-type should be pushing boundaries, but of course just as with a soft-limit, there needs to be discussion beforehand and the situation needs to be approached with an abundance of care.

But again, that’s only when the s-type genuinely wants to test those boundaries. There is *nothing* that says we (as d-types) should be pushing every boundary. Frankly, if a partner tells me they arent comfortable with something and doesn’t express a desire to get comfortable with it, I treat it like a hard limit until they tell me otherwise. There is a big difference between “I’m not great with pain but it’s something I really want to work on” and “I don’t enjoy pain”, you know? And while it certainly merits discussion if someone’s boundaries/limits are your “must haves”, one of the cardinal sins a d-type can commit is to try and persuade someone into doing something they don’t want to do.

Also worth mentioning: d-types have limits and boundaries too, and if one of your boundaries is that you don’t want to push anyone else’s boundaries, that’s absolutely valid! You’re not doing it “wrong” because there isn’t one objectively “right” way to do this. I have plenty of limits and boundaries for myself and every other d-type I know does too.

The bottom line is you’re absolutely well within your rights to not want to push someone’s boundaries! Just make sure that whoever you play with understands that so that you can both be on the same page, because some people are genuinely looking to have at least some of their boundaries pushed.

Thank you for writing in! Best of luck on your path!


So nicely said!  It’s pretty important to recognize the difference between D/S or S&M kinks and, you know, psychopathology and dissociation.  Or abuse and codependence.

How do you feel about the idea that a person’s value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on that person? Do you think it is possible that they are so busy you wouldn’t hear from them for days at a time but it has nothing to do with how they feel about you?

Sorry I couldn’t answer this earlier.  This is a very important question!

The short answer is no, no matter how busy, depressed, or under the weather, a partner should always find a way to check in.  

That said… I’m actually really fucking terrible at this!  I think a lot of hard-core introverts are.  You’d think that since I’m physically very affectionate – not just sexually, hugs, and kisses but also cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, shoulder leaning, nose booping, etc. – that I’d also be super communicative.

One that last one hits ao many of my shy, “don’t want to bother you,” “can’t talk right now” introvert reflexes, the others really don’t!

This is not an excuse.  But it’s a good reminder that, as roughly blocked out by the “Five Love Languages” theory, that different people can have very different but equally heartfelt ways of expressing love, care, and concern for each other.  And, more importantly, different people can have very different ways of receiving expressions of love, care, and concern.

The canonical “love languages” are listed as Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.  In my opinion that’s a good first approximation but practice it’s not inclusive and there are overlaps so it’s a mix and match system, not an exact one.  And the really important part isn’t that someone has one language or another but that you and they may not have the same language.

To answer your actual question, if their “love language” is Quality Time then yes, absolutely, your value to them is directly proportional to the time they spend with you and the effort they take to spend that time with you.  But if that’s not how they express then you can both be head-over-heels, heart-achingly important to each other and… still both of you feeling there’s something wrong.

For instance if, instead, their “love language” is something like gifts or doing things for you, you might be sitting there fuming like a chimney because they were busy wasting days in their workshop or kitchen lovingly crafting something (acts of service) for you (gifts) when they could have been there (quality time) with you (physical touch.)  And then they’re sitting there hurt that you hug them (physical touch) when you see them but never say (words of affirmation) how much you appreciated the watch or necklace they saved and saved to get you (gifts.) 

That all might seem like a long way of excusing awful tendency to leave people on read… but more than once I’ve literally (not figuratively, literally!) traveled all day just to give someone a hug (physical touch) or sit with them all night when they’re ill (quality time, acts of service.)

Your mileage, and theirs, in other words, may vary considerably.  Don’t ever be a doormat but do spend a little time trying to figure out if they’re trying to say “I love you” some other way.

It’s an important question, thank you for asking.  And best of luck!

Hi! (I love your blog💕) Do you have a partner? Or are you the Daddy of many kittens without commitment?? Just wondering :) I feel like you would be great as a husband idk why lol

Thanks for your kind words. I seem to have been a very good father, but I’m afraid I’m a much better Daddy than I was or would be a husband. What makes me attractive in small doses drives most people crazy in large doses. As someone once said, “goddam, your girlfriend could you replace you with a vibrator, a hot water bottle, and an encyclopedia!” 😂

Sigh. Sometimes I think they were right. Well except for forehead kisses. I’m very good at forehead kisses. And nose boops. And kissing on the couch. I’m pretty good at those things.

how come no one wants to be my daddy? Will you be my daddy?

Sometimes it can seem like nobody wants us, can’t it?  And sometimes we can blame it on our particular kinks or orientations, professions or income, health or heritage, age or experiences.

It’s hard enough for vanilla people to find a perfect match, even though most other people are vanilla too.  There are just so many conditions that affect compatibility, aren’t there?  And so it’s even harder when on top of basic compatibility you need to find someone whose kink is compatible with yours as well.

But sooner or later we all find someone.  Like most people though you’ll likely find the Daddy you’ve been looking for.  Most likely when you least expect it.

Best of luck!


Yeah, Tinder hookups and 6:00 AM “walks of shame” are all well and good (well, except for the shame part!)  But till you’ve spent the morning making and drinking coffee together while getting to know each other a little better?  That’s paradise!

Doesn’t matter if it’s a random hookup, a casual fling, and old flame, or your life companion of many years, there’s always something new to learn about each other over coffee.

As for that “walk of shame?”  Seriously.  What’s to be ashamed of?  You got drunk and rubbed your pee-pees together?   Big deal!  That makes you different from roughly 4/5th of the rest of humanity exactly how?

But sharing coffee together this morning?  Or just tea or orange juice, or just cuddles this morning?  That right there is paradise.

hiiii sorry this will probably be a dumb question but i’m super shy (like will pass out in front of a crowd shy) but i’m also really needy and my husband loves it but i feel like they don’t go together? sorry english isn’t my first language

Hi!  It’s not a dumb question.  Forgive my English (as a first language) for not understanding part of it though.  Feel free to send me a private/direct message if you’d like to clarify.  

Since you’re shy and might be self-conscious about messaging me directly I’m going to try to repeat your question though, and then answer it as best I can.  Would that be ok?

It sounds like you’re saying you’re really needy, and that your husband loves it, but you’re also so shy you could pass out in front of a crowd.  Ordinarily those two things might seem fine but you’re concerned they don’t go together.

1) This is only a guess, remember, but could you be saying that even though you’re really shy your husband likes to tease you till you beg him to do things for you?  Perhaps in a way that goes against your sense of being a “good girl?”  If so then that’s a pretty common thing for dominant and sadistic partners to do.  What’s important is whether you like it too.  

If you do like it or don’t mind it then great – good girls, and shy girls, can be *very* needy when they’re aroused without it saying anything about what kind of person they are when they’re not aroused.  We’re often very different people when we are and aren’t aroused and there’s nothing wrong with that.

If you don’t like it then it’s ok to tell your husband that while you love him and want to have sex with him you don’t consent to him teasing you that way.  (Do you think you could do that?)

2) Another guess could be that even though you’re really shy could it be that when you’re aroused you get really vocal and take actions that seem unlike your regular not-aroused self?

If that’s true, and if your husband enjoys that you’re that way too, then as I said above there’s nothing wrong with that at ail.  Once again, who we are when we’re aroused can be very different from who we are in day-to-day life.  You’re just as good a person, a wife, a family member, a member of society no matter how “naughty” you are during sex.  

I still feel like I may have misinterpreted you.  And depending on your English skills I hope my sentences haven’t been too complicated.  So I’ll repeat my invitation to message me to clarify.

Finally, since you’re shy I want you to know that I believe private messages are private – I won’t ever willingly share something anyone says in a private message.  So I won’t tease you, reveal you, or reveal anything you say without your permission.  If you’re still not comfortable it’s ok to leave another Ask like this one, even though it’ll be harder to have a back-and-forth conversation.

Again, not a dumb question at all.  And unless I’m really mistaken you’re talking about a feeling that lots of people have.  And worry about even though they don’t need to.

Thanks again for asking!