You can’t be a Dom and be a Drunk



You can’t be a Dom and be a drunk.

A friend of mine sent me a text yesterday.  “You can’t be a Dom and be a drunk”  She said it in reference to the NY AG stepping down.

My response was “I’ve heard that.”  I don’t know if she got that it stung but it did.

I struggle with alcohol and have for a very long time, I’m on a path to recover now and I pursue my own aggressive brand of therapy mixing AA and Smart Recovery.

Always in the scene the Dom must be on and be emotionally and mentally fixed, prepared and certainly not impaired.  I practice that in all ways all the time during play sessions. I consider being with a partner in a D/s situation with the same gravity I take with any sort of action that could have serious consequences, whether it be riding a motorcycle, handling firearms or being in a  combat zone.

I guess my question is that as a broken person can I be a Dom? I think the answer is yes but at the same time I don’t know I guess I won’t find out until and unless I’m in a position to be with a submissive again.

On the NY AG issue, personally my belief is that he was an ill informed ass of an abuser who like many watched 50 Shades or BDSM porn and thought that shit was how it was done. 

Forgive me, friend, for tugging this up from the archives. I had it saved in my drafts because I wanted to respond to it but couldn’t quite figure out what I wanted to say.

I’m pretty sure I was the friend who said that. “You can’t be a Dom and a drunk.” And I’ve said similar things since then. The overarching thing for me is that, if you are not in control of yourself, you are not allowed to be in control of me. Period. Monsieur knows that if he goes out with friends and has too much to drink, that’s perfectly fine. But our D/s dynamic is effectively suspended until he is sober again, particularly when it comes to play. It’s a matter of safety and trust in the moment, not a judgment of his value as a Dominant.

It’s the same with you, dear friend. You are one of the good ones, and you have shown a great deal of responsibility and determination in making a lot of life changes in the time I’ve known you. Any submissive would be lucky to have you as her Dominant.

You can’t be a Dom or Daddy and a drunk. You can be a Dom or Daddy and be in recovery though. Self discipline matters in a Dom or Daddy. More important, maybe, is not being in denial.

@cherishedproperty makes the even more important point that you can’t be a Sub and a doormat or codependent. If your partner is impaired -whether by intoxication, anger, distraction, or fatigue – you gotta be up for whistling the play dead. Because your Dom can’t always.

A kink relationship is a relationship. Between equal, autonomous partners.

It’s not bad or wrong to get hammered. But it’s not ok to play with power tools while impaired. Or to operate power exchange.

You can be an awesome Dom in recovery. You can be a marvelous Sub and say this isn’t the right time.

Hats of to both @cherishedproperty and @twisted-from-lit.


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