Hi! I was hoping to get an advise even though I know you’re not female. My bf is pissed off at me because we haven’t been intimate with each other for a few weeks because he’s waiting for me to start first. He’s angry cause we only have sex if he starts it. But I’m scared cause he rejected me twice. I’m diagnosed with depression & anxiety. I’ve scars and I hate my body and i don’t know what to anymore. I don’t know how to start with anything related to intimacy..
So your partner wants you to initiate sex in part because he feels like he always has to be the one. But youâre feeling anxious about it because youâve maybe got body issues and depression and anxiety on top of that.
Even worse, at least two of the times you have tried initiating heâs rejected you!
Thatâs got to be so frustrating! I mean on the one hand itâs really nice that heâs open to you initiating. But on the other hand, insisting that you initiate, rejecting you, and then being pissed that you arenât initiating more is… being generous here… kind of a dick move, isnât it?
There are all kinds of situations that could lead to something like this. Just power-tripping is one of them (and might be the most likely.) If so then it would be a good idea to decide if youâre really happier involved with him than if you were alone.
Thatâs a kind of scary feeling, I know, but sometimes a partner, especially a dominant one, can control us by making us feel bad and unlovable about ourselves. Sometimes theyâre hard on us for things other partners wouldnât notice or might even find adorable! Like you being a beginner at initiating things or letting them initiate. (Cough. For instance.)
Thereâs another possibility though, and I want to be really sensitive about it. But youâve mentioned depression, anxiety, and discomfort with your body, right? Is there a possibility that he is (or thinks he is) frustrated because you often turn him down when he tries to initiate? Like. Did he say something like âfine, you do it then?â
That would still be kind of a dick move. But as youâve discovered from trying to initiate yourself, rejection can get you right through the middle, canât it?
Again, I donât know enough about your and his dynamic to be able to be very helpful. But I can say that a lot of times intimacy doesnât start with sex. A lot of the time it starts with walking and talking, texting ahead of time to say things like âI miss youâ and âIâm looking forward to seeing you.â It can be more bold, like saying, âwhen you get here I want to kiss you all over.â But it also can involve things like holding hands, talking about your feelings (the good ones), asking if you can kiss him or if heâll kiss you. Â
If heâs critical of your overtures then, well, again thatâs kind of a dick move. But ask him what heâd like. And then decide if itâs what youâd like. Â
A good way to tell if heâs right for you: let him know that youâre trying and that youâre taking baby steps and ask if heâll be willing to âtake overâ if youâll get started. Â
If he says âI appreciate that youâre trying, come give me a kissâ then great. If he says âNo, thatâs not quite good enoughâ then consider dumping his little heiney and holding out someone whoâs more generous.
Iâm not sure this was a very helpful answer. But best of luck with your boyfriend or, perhaps, with your next boyfriend.