So, I’ve never been in a real relationship and I’m 31. I usually am busy taking care of my family’s drama and trying to get my life back on track, but I don’t know how to date properly or do relationships. I have trust issues and don’t know how to go about trusting a guy, much less letting him know what I am into. Any advise?
Thanks so much for asking. I don’t know if you’ll appreciate my advice but it’s heartfelt. You’ve never been in a relationship. You’ve gotten wrapped up in family drama. You’re trying to get back on track now that you’re in your 30s, but you have trust issues too?
I’m pretty sure the best relationship-finding advice I can offer is to talk to a counselor. Not because you’re “crazy” – it’s another useless stereotype that counselors are only for “crazy” people, or that only “crazy” people go to counselors!
Instead I’m saying it because between trust issues and what you’ve said about dealing with family drama, a good counselor can help you separate yourself from your family drama enough to start having your own life. And help you enough with trust issues to start having a life with someone else. Besides your family, I mean.
The reason I’m recommending this is that with a little outside professional perspective, help, and support you may not feel like you have to choose between all of the above. You can still support your family without being drawn in, establish yourself in your own social and career life, and maybe even find someone you can trust. And maybe even find someone who’ll be into the same things you are!
I’m a kinky person and I’m guessing you may have some kinky feelings too. And so it may surprise you when I say that kink doesn’t bypass the rights and responsibilities of vanilla relationships. Kink extends those things, but a kink relationship is still a relationship. There’s no “instead of.” And as I’ve probably said in the past, when it comes to kinky relationships you’ve got to learn how to walk before you can crawl.
We all have a real tendency to say “I can figure this out on my own.” But as gently as possible I’m going to say that for most of us if that were true we’d have already done it!
The wonderful, awesome, best news in the world, though, is that you’ve taken the first big step: you’ve asked someone for help! Good for you. There are so many people who never do! They just continue thinking “I can figure it out myself” until they’re 93 and not 31!
The second most important step, though, is to understand that this isn’t a question that can be answered in an anonymous ask. Because all I or pretty much anyone can say is “talk to someone who’s trained to talk to people just like you.” Not “crazy” people like you. And me! I’ve never been crazy as far as I know but I’ve gotten a ton of benefit from talking to various counselors over the years… once I got over the notion that I could “figure it out myself!” You can too.
Best of luck, ok? I’m not going to say “thank you” for asking this important question. Instead I’m going to say “good for you!” You’ve done the hardest part.
