So, I’ve never been in a real relationship and I’m 31. I usually am busy taking care of my family’s drama and trying to get my life back on track, but I don’t know how to date properly or do relationships. I have trust issues and don’t know how to go about trusting a guy, much less letting him know what I am into. Any advise?
Thanks so much for asking. I donât know if youâll appreciate my advice but itâs heartfelt. Youâve never been in a relationship. Youâve gotten wrapped up in family drama. Youâre trying to get back on track now that youâre in your 30s, but you have trust issues too?
Iâm pretty sure the best relationship-finding advice I can offer is to talk to a counselor. Not because youâre âcrazyâ – itâs another useless stereotype that counselors are only for âcrazyâ people, or that only âcrazyâ people go to counselors!
Instead Iâm saying it because between trust issues and what youâve said about dealing with family drama, a good counselor can help you separate yourself from your family drama enough to start having your own life. And help you enough with trust issues to start having a life with someone else. Besides your family, I mean.
The reason Iâm recommending this is that with a little outside professional perspective, help, and support you may not feel like you have to choose between all of the above. You can still support your family without being drawn in, establish yourself in your own social and career life, and maybe even find someone you can trust. And maybe even find someone whoâll be into the same things you are!
Iâm a kinky person and Iâm guessing you may have some kinky feelings too. And so it may surprise you when I say that kink doesnât bypass the rights and responsibilities of vanilla relationships. Kink extends those things, but a kink relationship is still a relationship. Thereâs no âinstead of.â And as Iâve probably said in the past, when it comes to kinky relationships youâve got to learn how to walk before you can crawl.Â
We all have a real tendency to say âI can figure this out on my own.â But as gently as possible Iâm going to say that for most of us if that were true weâd have already done it!
The wonderful, awesome, best news in the world, though, is that youâve taken the first big step: youâve asked someone for help! Good for you. There are so many people who never do! They just continue thinking âI can figure it out myselfâ until theyâre 93 and not 31!
The second most important step, though, is to understand that this isnât a question that can be answered in an anonymous ask. Because all I or pretty much anyone can say is âtalk to someone whoâs trained to talk to people just like you.â Not âcrazyâ people like you. And me! Iâve never been crazy as far as I know but Iâve gotten a ton of benefit from talking to various counselors over the years… once I got over the notion that I could âfigure it out myself!â You can too.
Best of luck, ok? Iâm not going to say âthank youâ for asking this important question. Instead Iâm going to say âgood for you!â Youâve done the hardest part.