Hey man! My boyfriend and I are both mostly submissive. We make it work, though we have to go out of comfort zone a bit more than with other partners I guess. Sometimes I enjoy things less because I know he only does the thing (e.g. spanking) for me and not for himself at all. Still, I am very grateful we see to each others kinks in this way. :) Even though you’re not qualified sexologist, I would love to hear whether you have any advice for me/us. Thank you so much!

Thank you!  I’m not a qualified sexologist or sex educator anymore than someone who’s lived in a lot of houses is an architect.  

The original Murphy, of Murphy’s Law fame, actually had a whole list of similar rules and axioms for how things can and will go wrong.

The one that stuck out at the time but makes more and more sense as I grow older was about sex.

“Never go to bed with someone crazier than you are.”

It didn’t seem to fit.  Until I learned to look at the other sides of things and realized the law applies not to one partner or the other but to both partners.  Then it clicked: the chances of ever finding someone who’s exactly as crazy as you are – no more and no less – is vanishingly small, right?

My advice, then, is “welcome to the club!”

You’ve got a partner who’ll spank you even if it’s just “to be nice.”  Would it be better if he spanked you whether you “liked” it or not?  Well sure!  For instance if it actively turned him on there are activities you could transition to more smoothly after your spanking!  But then it’s awesome that he likes you enough to spank you even when it doesn’t turn him on!  You have no idea how many Subs (mostly but not exclusively women) would give an eye to have a partner who’ll spank them at all?

This isn’t helping, I know.  But remember my advice was only “welcome to the club.”

Maybe another piece of advice would be to see if you can find a way to laugh about it together.  Because sometimes we can get so stressed trying to do something “right” that we actually do it worse than if we just said “oh fuck it, here’s what I’d want her to do to me.”  

And don’t forget that goes both ways – do you think it would help if you just gave each other little mini-workshops on what and how you’d like to be topped?

I mention this last one because while things have gotten a lot looser in the last few decades there’s been a long tradition (it’s still common, I think, in “dominatrix” sex-work) where formal Dom training involved being Submissive to your mentor.  With the result that a) well… the mentor got something out of it, sure, but more importantly, b) the trainee had a deep and thorough understanding of their (eventual) Subs’ points of view.

So given the non-zero chance that if your partner was a “proper” Dom he’d have spent anywhere from months to years Subbing to a mentor… there’s no real reason why your partner (and you!) can’t take it on for each other as well.  (Because while I’m only imagining, I imagine that spending time learning from a Dom’s point of view might make you both better Submissives.

Again, am I a sexologist?  No, I don’t even play one on tv!

Does trying to say “fuck it, I’m going to learn to give so I can better appreciate receiving” sound crazy?  Or saying “oh what the hell, let’s have some fun with this” sound crazy?  Well.  If you play your cards right it might sound just crazy enough to both of you that… you might beat Murphy’s other law!

And if not?

Welcome to the club!  

Awesome question. Thank you so much for asking.  I wish I could have offered more workable ideas.

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