Hey Sir, So ive been seeing this guy for a month or so and he came over the other night for ‘cuddles’. He ended up finger banging me, which was good except it hurt after? I feel like i wasnt turned on enough and i was rushed? i still came but it wasnt a great orgasm like i was hoping for? He knows im a virgin and i want to take things slow but im not sure if he was picking up on my body language or not? Im just a little bit confused on what i should be thinking. Thanks x

yessiraustralia-again:

Men aren’t great at body language

Limited experience boys are worse

Horny men are worse still

Horny boys may as well be blind

Do not rely on body language or telepathy or smoke signals or whatever. Tell him to stop or slow down or be gentle. Use your words.

Back in college I literally stumbled across book that was written about the difference between everyday consciousness and “erotic reality.” It’s what made me start thinking about sex as something more than something to have when you’re horny.

But anyway, I’m going to push back a little on the assessment that men are particularly bad at body language.  Especially when we’re horny.   Because people can be really bad at missing things that are glaringly obvious to everyone else… 

…we are forcefully reminded of this every time someone’s yelled “the three goes on the four and the ten can go on the jack” when you’re playing Solitaire!

It’s even harder to pick up each other’s cues when we might have whole different senses of scale!  When a friend who’d been skiing almost since she could walk tried to teach me how to ski, she took me to the edge of a 20-foot drop and said “let’s start with something simple!”  

Because for her that really was the easiest thing she could think of!  My friend literally couldn’t imagine that a 20-foot drop wasn’t as easy as pie for a first-timer who’d just fallen over three times trying to get his skis on!

Now try to imagine trying to concentrate on solitaire or skiing while you’re really horny, anxious, or otherwise distracted.

This is all a very long way of saying it’s not a good idea to assume that even a very sensitive, experienced partner is going to pick up on all your unspoken cues.  Or that their idea of “take things slowly” will be even a little bit like yours.

It’s not the 20th Century anymore.  Even if you’ve got a Submissive or Pillow Princess kink… heck, even if you’re straight-up vanilla, it’s ok to use clear language to let your partner know what you’re enjoying, and if necessary to remind them what your boundaries are.

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