Hiya! I’ve got a tough issue lately. I used to be someone who was extremely sexual and aroused quite often. I actually played with myself quite a bit, if not every day. Suddenly I’ve lost all of that desire. It only comes occasionally, and it makes me feel awful for my boyfriend. Any tips or knowledge on this? I have lewd thoughts but my body just isn’t as easily aroused or sensitive as it was. I’m still young too! And female.

Yikes!  There are a million answers and I’m not really qualified to explain any of them!  But I can offer a couple of things to check for yourself:

  • Have you gone on or off hormonal birth control?
  • Have you gone on or off any medications, particularly antidepressants?
  • Are there other symptoms you’ve noticed such as weight gain or appetite loss, started or stopped exercising, or, especially, are you getting more sleep or less sleep?
  • Have you had any big social changes – more socializing or less?  Is the upcoming election and/or political rhetoric and its associated goddamn daily mass shootings getting to you? (Because tbh it’s playing hell with my libido!) 
  • How’s your work/school load?  Any additional stress?
  • How’s your relationship with your boyfriend otherwise?  Relationship with your family?  (Homesickness?  Issues with family members that maybe need resolution?)
  • How sudden is “sudden” when you say “Suddenly I’ve lost…”?
  • Has your boyfriend gone through any of these changes lately? (well, except for hormonal contraception.)

The very good news is you’ve noticed!  Very often we don’t notice libido changes till someone points them out to us, because sort of by-definition our own sense of our libido tends to feel “normal as usual, though now that you mention it.”  If that makes sense.

Change happens all the time, so this could just be one of those “shit happens” things, and if so it could change back by itself.  Sooner or possibly later.  On the other hand if the change really is sudden there could be issues that need to be addressed.  Social, relationship, or, especially, medical or mental health changes.  

Good people to talk to (who aren’t me since, as I mentioned, I’m unqualified.)

Campus health center if you’re in college

Healthcare-provider on-call nurse if you’ve got healthcare

Your boyfriend!  Who’s also not even a little bit qualified, by the way, but he’s your partner!  Don’t ask him to solve the problem for you (see qualifications, above) but acknowledgment isn’t just a good idea it can sometimes break a libido logjam!   For instance he might say “well, you seemed to cool off after…” which may or may not have anything to do with it.  But it might help jog your memory too.  Point being that you won’t know till you start talking.

Final point about communication: it sounds funny considering how reluctant people have been talking about wanting sex, but turns out we’re just as uncomfortable talking about not wanting it.  You’re already not pretending “everything’s fine.”  That’s a very good place to start from, both with your boyfriend and people who might be able to actually help.

Good luck!