Despite the stalkerish Twilight reference and weird possessiveness, it’s just the case that poly isn’t just something men do. Same with kink. To the extent that multiple partners are acceptable for Doms or Daddies it’s equally acceptable for Subs and Littles. Adults should be and get to be… well… adult about it.
The good news is that since kinksters are people, and since most people are monogamous, most kinksters are also monogamous. The other news is that not all people are monogamous and so not all kinksters are monogamous either.
If you’re not sure how you feel, or how your partner feels, talk to them. For that matter, if you’re not sure how you feel about your partner’s partners talk to your partners! As opposed to randomly texting your partner’s partners.
By Thomas Oldenough | November 5, 2018 | Comments Off on Hiya! I’ve got a tough issue lately. I used to be someone who was extremely sexual and aroused quite often. I actually played with myself quite a bit, if not every day. Suddenly I’ve lost all of that desire. It only comes occasionally, and it makes me feel awful for my boyfriend. Any tips or knowledge on this? I have lewd thoughts but my body just isn’t as easily aroused or sensitive as it was. I’m still young too! And female.
Yikes! There are a million answers and I’m not really qualified to explain any of them! But I can offer a couple of things to check for yourself:
Have you gone on or off hormonal birth control?
Have you gone on or off any medications, particularly antidepressants?
Are there other symptoms you’ve noticed such as weight gain or appetite loss, started or stopped exercising, or, especially, are you getting more sleep or less sleep?
Have you had any big social changes – more socializing or less? Is the upcoming election and/or political rhetoric and its associated goddamn daily mass shootings getting to you? (Because tbh it’s playing hell with my libido!)
How’s your work/school load? Any additional stress?
How’s your relationship with your boyfriend otherwise? Relationship with your family? (Homesickness? Issues with family members that maybe need resolution?)
How sudden is “sudden” when you say “Suddenly I’ve lost…”?
Has your boyfriend gone through any of these changes lately? (well, except for hormonal contraception.)
The very good news is you’ve noticed! Very often we don’t notice libido changes till someone points them out to us, because sort of by-definition our own sense of our libido tends to feel “normal as usual, though now that you mention it.” If that makes sense.
Change happens all the time, so this could just be one of those “shit happens” things, and if so it could change back by itself. Sooner or possibly later. On the other hand if the change really is sudden there could be issues that need to be addressed. Social, relationship, or, especially, medical or mental health changes.
Good people to talk to (who aren’t me since, as I mentioned, I’m unqualified.)
Campus health center if you’re in college
Healthcare-provider on-call nurse if you’ve got healthcare
Your boyfriend! Who’s also not even a little bit qualified, by the way, but he’s your partner! Don’t ask him to solve the problem for you (see qualifications, above) but acknowledgment isn’t just a good idea it can sometimes break a libido logjam! For instance he might say “well, you seemed to cool off after…” which may or may not have anything to do with it. But it might help jog your memory too. Point being that you won’t know till you start talking.
Final point about communication: it sounds funny considering how reluctant people have been talking about wanting sex, but turns out we’re just as uncomfortable talking about not wanting it. You’re already not pretending “everything’s fine.” That’s a very good place to start from, both with your boyfriend and people who might be able to actually help.
Comments Off on Hiya! I’ve got a tough issue lately. I used to be someone who was extremely sexual and aroused quite often. I actually played with myself quite a bit, if not every day. Suddenly I’ve lost all of that desire. It only comes occasionally, and it makes me feel awful for my boyfriend. Any tips or knowledge on this? I have lewd thoughts but my body just isn’t as easily aroused or sensitive as it was. I’m still young too! And female.
By Thomas Oldenough | October 31, 2018 | Comments Off on So my daddy and I were hanging out, and he was in the mood, and I wasn’t particularly. What he needed in this instance was to be pegged, which is a fairly normal part of our sex life so being a good girl, I obliged and strapped up. We started playing, and he said he was enjoying it but he wasn’t hard & nothing I tried helped. We stopped when he said he had gotten what he needed, but I felt (& still feel) such shame that I wasn’t good enough or sexy enough because he didn’t get hard. Any advice?
Prostate play is an odd thing. Sometimes it can be intensely pleasurable but not lead to an erection at all. Take him at his word that he got what he needed.
Ugh! This is critically important for so many reasons! But bottom line:
An erection doesn’t mean you want to have sex
Vaginal lubrication doesn’t mean you want to have sex
No erection doesn’t mean you don’t want to have sex
No lubrication doesn’t mean you don’t want to have sex
There are so many reasons why one doesn’t follow from the other. From trauma (soooo many abusers say “you must want it, you’re hard/wet”) to age to health to your centers of stimulation to current hormone levels to…
Lots, ok? Those things are predictive, sure. But please don’t forget they’re not definitive.
So much for editorializing and daddy’splaining. Here’s some actual practical advice: some time when you’re not being sexual – including leading up to or cooling off from – ask for clarification. Something like “John, I’ve been feeling a little uncomfortable about that time – I was happy to peg you but, maybe because I wasn’t really feeling it I was really worried you weren’t feeling it either. At the time you said you enjoyed yourself. But it also seems like you’re usually pretty hard and that time you weren’t. Could you tell me how it felt that time so I’ll have a little piece of mind if it happens again?”
Comments Off on So my daddy and I were hanging out, and he was in the mood, and I wasn’t particularly. What he needed in this instance was to be pegged, which is a fairly normal part of our sex life so being a good girl, I obliged and strapped up. We started playing, and he said he was enjoying it but he wasn’t hard & nothing I tried helped. We stopped when he said he had gotten what he needed, but I felt (& still feel) such shame that I wasn’t good enough or sexy enough because he didn’t get hard. Any advice?
By Thomas Oldenough | October 25, 2018 | Comments Off on How does one become good at sex and oral my Dtype says I’m horrible at sex and I don’t know how to be better
Your D type sounds like a little bitch-boy to say something that hurtful. Are you sure you want to improve your skills just so a douchelord like that can reap the benefits? Find a Dom who is willing to put in the work to teach you in a positive, affirming way.
I guess I’m in a mood today.
If you call yourself a Dominant and you have someone who is trying to give you oral and it’s not hitting the spot you can use those Domly skills to teach her what you like. Not by insulting her and making her insecure to feel superior but by being using actual elements of dominance like instructing and guiding. How hard is it to say slower/faster/suck harder/focus on the head/lick here/whatever the fuck you want her to do and then following it up with sighs and moans and good girls?
I will never understand why so many people who call themselves dominant choose to just crush someone who is eager to please them.
It’s just bad form for a Power-exchange top to drop any major criticism without providing some sort of guidance.
As @instructor144 says, Daddies and Doms are more likely to see inexperience or plain old incompetence as an opportunity than as an inconvenience. Instead it just sounds like the Dom is embarrassing and stressing the anon with complaints.
That might be ok if the anon was into humiliation play, but then they wouldn’t have written asking for help, would they? And since in kink both partners need to feel satisfied by their interactions, and since the anonymous Sub isn’t, then perhaps their partner should be asking “How do I become good at Domination – I’m terrible?”
In situations like this it’s a good time to take a time out and have a real conversation about sex, kink, and maybe the whole relationship.
