Posts Tagged ‘D/s Dynamic’
Hi, I’ve just started talking to a guy. He is vastly more vanilla than I am, but I’ve been talking to him about trying more kinky things. More basic like light spanking, letting him be a little more in control, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary yet. I was wondering how to not scare him with kinker ideas and, hopefully, application of them. Thank you
Good question! Sounds like you’re into things that might be kinkier than he’s comfortable with? And you’d like to do more with him… or more accurately you’d like him to do more with you, without coming on “too strong?” Just want to make sure. Please let me know if I’ve missed an important point, ok?
I can’t speak for all guys but if it was me (hey, it has been me in the past!) then two things would work really well.
First, “slow and steady wins the race.” Let him try those nothing-out-of-the-ordinary things with you first. And see how he likes it. Vanilla people, men especially, can take a little time to digest what a lot of us already know. What you’re a living example of: Submission is its own kink, and that what you want him to do is almost by-definition is rough but not violent, domineering but not abusive.
And don’t get me wrong – we want people to be reluctant about violence and abuse! And it’s actually a good thing to have a responsible Sub (you are going to be responsible) to help them learn how to distinguish them. (I say you’re going to be responsible because the last thing we want is him doing those things before he understands the difference.)
Second: Let him know that the idea of him doing those things with, to, and for you makes you wet and happy. Most men enjoy that idea rather a lot. Even more for someone they actually care about.
If you’re still really in the “just started talking” part of a relationship and not “bring your toothbrush in your bag” stage, it’s an even better time to talk to him about it. Being a Sub, even a hungry, horny one, doesn’t mean you’re necessarily hop in the sack with him right away. So it’s ok to talk about not just boundaries and limits but wants and desires before you get around to doing them. Just be clear those are ideals you have in mind, not that it’s either an invitation or a laundry list for him.
Oh, one last thing: let him know about the difference between “topping from the bottom” and mentoring him. Be clear that your intention really is to Submit to him – and that at each point it will be his decision what he chooses to do based on your feedback.
That said (since this is advice for everybody and not just you) it’s still his choice! He might not want to be a Dom. He might not want to be much of a Dom. Or not one all the time. You have to be ok with that too – boundaries, limits, and consent go both ways.
Let me know what you think. Feel free to show him this post too. I want both of you to succeed and be happy with who you both are and not who either things they or the other is “supposed” to be.
Best of luck! And thanks for asking!
There seems to be a common mischaracterization of d/s relationships: that dominance is active, submission is passive, dominance is doing, submission is being done to. And, if your frame of reference were primarily porn or erotic fiction, it would be easy to reach that conclusion. How many feminist objections to d/s are based in this type of thinking? It may also be at the root of common questions like “How do I get my SO to be more dominant?”
This mischaracterization of the d/s dynamic is unfair because it doesn’t give submissive partners enough credit. From where I sit, submission doesn’t look like a passive pursuit. It looks like real work. Submissives choose their role, and they choose to work at it at least as hard as their dominant partners. And then…they make themselves physically and emotionally vulnerable. They trust. Amazing. You aren’t foolish or weak. You deserve to be proud of the relationship that you build everyday.
tl;dr…Thanks for doing what you do. It is noticed and appreciated.
Oh, and pretty picture. Love the dress. Love the curls.
I am a lucky girl.
This is roughly the mindset
@cynicaldom comes from when he corrects me from saying he leads, I follow to he leads, I support.
UGH! This!!!
To clear the air for a moment it’s not surprising that there are (non-kink) feminist objections to the way D/S is represented in popular culture. There’s no doubt that D/S porn and erotica (including Tumblr) has a big problem with gender representation. In the real world there are huge numbers of women who are Doms and men who are (non-”sissy” and non-”forced-feminization!”) Subs.
You’d never know it from porn and erotica but Dominance and Submission are kinks not genders! Until that totally fucked-up notion gets straightened out feminists (and misogynists!) are going to keep having the same fundamental misunderstanding.
But more importantly…
This mischaracterization of the d/s dynamic is unfair because it doesn’t give submissive partners enough credit.
OMG, if you don’t get that you haven’t got a single fucking clue what D/S (or Cg/L, or S&M, or B&D or the other power-exchange kinks) are about at all!
Unlike victims of abuse and violence Submissives actively engage and participate. They initiate! They don’t just cooperate they often actively critique, negotiate, recommend, and reject their partner’s Dominance.
In the real world, Subs cultivate and coach their Doms as often as Doms train and develop their Subs.
The point is that bottoming kinks are their own affirmative kinks pursued by active, autonomous agents. Submission ≠ subordination. Dominance ≠ superiority! And kink relationships are real relationships!
Again, if you don’t understand that fundamental truth then you’re not a Dom you’re a vanilla asshole who likes to push your partners around. If you don’t get that you’re not a Sub you’re codependent, or a doormat, or both. And if you don’t understand that tops and bottoms are partners the way pitchers and batters are partner you’re not going to understand D/S or any of the power-exchange kinks.
Final note: I’m not making a “no true Scotsman” argument here. There are plenty of self-styled “doms” and “subs” who are just loud vanilla players. And too many of us let them get away with it. This is a particular problem for subs because, for better or worse, there aren’t enough good Doms to go around! This creates a structural advantage for wannabes, users, and legit abusers to slip through the cracks. And cause real havoc.
But! Until everybody understands that Doms and Subs are equal, autonomous partners and that D/S is a kink dynamic and not a gender dynamic there will continue to be giant cracks where the assholes will continue to slip through.
Know the Difference
If you think you are “forcing” someone to submit, You are wrong. One may give in to your superior brute strength- but that is not submission.
Submission can not be forced. One only submits of their free will.
Some people just want a person to “give in”. But the brilliant ones know the difference. They know the value of the submission. They are willing to work for the trust, the passion, the utter commitment that a submissive has.
True submission is incredibly beautiful while giving in is incredibly sad. It’s also the difference in our D/s and abuse.
*disclaimer- this is of course- all my opinion.
Seriously, kids!
Look. I can’t say this clearly enough: an empowered Sub is a better Sub! More responsive. Able to go deeper. Able to give more. Sexier. More into it.
If you can’t have a “no” that’s respected you can’t afford to give a wholehearted, no-reservations, completely trusting yes. It’s as simple as that.
Look at how small that little bum of yours is, daddy can spank both your cheeks with just one hand
Ok. So soo many Littles and Subs have asked: “how can you get off on taking more responsibility during sex.” And I’ve always wondered “how could I not?” because I’m a Daddy, and a lower-case dom, and an all-around top and it’s… just… like that for me.
Well. Since I’m a top I’m equally baffled that someone would get off on someone maybe a foot taller than you taking you in hand, supporting you, bending you over and lifting your skirt and squeezing or spanking your upturned ass, opening your legs and touching you, pushing you to their knees or lifting your hips with my big strong hands because you’ve said you get off on being used “like a rag doll.”
But part of being a top is learning to listen, isn’t it? And part of being a partner is having trust and faith in you! And enjoying being together with you, doing the things we love best, and getting that we enjoy each of us giving what the other wants as much as we enjoy receiving what we want.
I don’t know why we like what we like. But I’m so glad we do. And if we can find each other and do them together? That can make the world go round, can’t it, leafhopper?
What He Takes
He takes my wrists and pins them above my head.
He takes my ass over and over, knowing I wince with the soreness of so much use.
He takes my throat in his hand, and he watches my eyes as he squeezes.
He takes my waist and shifts me to the inside of the sidewalk to keep me safe.
He takes my tears. He takes the ones he makes with his hands or his paddle, and he takes the ones that come from outside us. They are all his.
He takes my chin in his hand as he fills my little mouth.
He takes my hand in his as we dance, twirling me around the living room.
He takes my desire and shows me how desperate I can become. He pushes a little more and then a little more, until the need is so overwhelming that I can’t form words.
He takes my dog for long walks, because her needs are also my needs.
He takes my hair in his fist, forcing my eyes to watch his as his hand strikes my face.
He takes my questions and considers them carefully—what he likes, what he needs, what he thinks is best for me and for us.
He takes my needs as his own.
He takes my fears and joys and successes, too.
He takes time out of his day to say he’s thinking of me. To send pictures. To make me smile.
He takes care of me.
He takes little pieces of me and makes them his. More and more every day.
And I give.
I give.
Lot of people don’t get what they mean when they say “the Sub has the power.” (Case in point: ask a Sub who doesn’t have a partner or who’s Dom isn’t very interested just how “powerful” they feel.)
Nor do they always understand what’s meant by “gift” when they say “Submission is a gift.”
But everyone should understand what’s meant when someone says a kink relationship is still a relationship!
And the real secret to power-exchange-kink relationships? Yes, the Sub gives. And the Dom also gives! A Sub can only give as much as their Dom gives. And vice versa.
Just can’t say how lovely @cherishedproperty post is. That’s just a beautiful piece of writing.
Hi!I just was wondering, im quite a new when it comes to sex(i havent given/recieved a oral, and i barely tried anal aline) but im still really interested in being dominated and such. Would you take things slow at first? Any advice for a newbie girl?
A good Dominant should always take things slow with a submissive. respecting limits and letting each one get comfortable with another. As time goes on and you become more comfortable in your play and dynamic then you ca explore more and being pushing the boundaries of desires.
No matter how new you are to the lifestyle, the first rule is take it slow!
~Primal
Just going to put it out there that there are two kinds of Doms: those who are only in it for themselves, and Doms.
A doodledom is likely going to look at all the things you haven’t done and rush to run through all of them, maybe so they can be “your first.”
A Dom is more likely going to see it as an opportunity to get to know you, learn your interests, mesh them with his, and he’s going to see your experience level as an opportunity to take months and months to guide you through All the Things, where some will appear to you as rewards and others as challenges and still others as a chance for you to really learn and stand up for your limits and boundaries.
The point is that D/S isn’t so much about what you do as how you do it! (For instance the actual physical sex in many deeply D/S relationships is often surprisingly vanilla.)
So if I was handing out advice I’d say look for someone who wants to dominate you and not simply “break in a new girl.” If you posted the same thing the anon said to @itsallprimal on one of the kink-friendlier dating or matching sites you’d likely get lots of overtures… and therefore lots of possible Doms to choose from. And you do get to choose.
Oh, last piece of advice: a good Dom will understand and appreciate that you really do get to choose him. And he’ll get that you can change your mind if he’s not right for you. A doodledom will just think he’s entitled to you, often from the word go.
Best of luck to the anon!
[Update: as a meme this is hilarious and a big hat’s off to @bellona007 for finding it. Yeah, I get grumpy about issues of consent, boundaries, and folks who confused D/S and abuse… but please don’t mistake all my dad’splaining for disapproval of the actual, you know, joke!]
Quick reminder here: this does not represent a D/S relationship. It’s not cute. it’s not funny. Nor would it be any funnier or cuter if the roles were reversed. Nor if it was a D/Lg couple no matter which partner was the top.
If the question was instead “Do you cheerfully Submit to your wife” it would probably be fine for him to defer and let her answer.
Similarly it might be fine if she said “he’s told me he doesn’t feel dominated.”
But clue #1: nobody gets to answer how you feel about anything. For better or worse, feelings happen outside the realm of communication.
That right there isn’t a D/S relationship, it’s an abusive one.
And clue #2: Subs and Littles and other power-exchange bottoms authorize their tops. As in “by the authority vested in me.”
Yes, this is me digging out my old social-theory terminology, but strictly speaking, he hasn’t given her any power. By answering for him she’s taken power from him.
And that’s the difference between authority and power. Power, strictly speaking, is maintained through physical, emotional, economic, or social violence, or threats of violence. Power is taken; authority is given!
Authority can be revoked. Power can only be overcome.
Authorizing = consent!
I’m not going to say “power exchange” kinks should be renamed “authority delegation” kink, because that would be sort of the opposite of sexy.
But when people talk about how “the Sub has all the power” what they really mean is that the Sub can revoke the authority they grant, and there’s nothing (short of non-consensual violence) the Dom can do about it.
Vanilla people have the hardest time understanding this distinction between power and authority, between kink and abuse. Newcomers to kink often need time to fully comprehend and internalize the difference.
But it makes all the difference in the world.
Going to be a grumpy Daddy for a minute here and say that no matter how deeply, darkly 24/7 a relationship is, there’s one question a Dom can’t answer for their Sub and it’s that question right there.
And to be a little more generous about it, a good top knows that if they keep their mouths shut for 10 seconds their Sub is going to say, with an ear-to-ear smile, “hell yeah I do, she’s an awesome Dom.”
A good top won’t be afraid to let their partner answer that question.
Try not to assume that “receptive” means “submissive”
Just going to point out that depending on how they’re shaped, people are going to demonstrate things like sexual aggression very differently, aren’t they?
Because, yeah, if you want something inside you you’re going to assert yourself differently, but no less emphatically, than if you had something you wanted to put inside.
“Receptive” ≠ “submissive.”
If you think otherwise then welcome to the social construction of gender. 🤷♂️
Note: not says (at all) that this clip is any kind of political statement – one can’t determine from the context what the intentions of the actor, any potential partners, the director of photography, etc. hand in mind. But that’s sort of the point, isn’t it? You can’t know simply based on the action. You can only assume based on various social cues of dubious origin.
Being a male sub is punk as fuck.
Seriously. You’re giving the middle finger to every gender norm society has dictated for you, all while retaining a strong sense of self and confidence in your desires. I’m so happy you exist, because you’re all awesome. (And because I need someone who I can spank every once in a while.)
I don’t think I’ve met a male Sub who wasn’t also the bomb. Just like most Sub women I’ve met. Also the bomb.
Not every Sub is cocky and confident, obviously, male or female. That whole “alpha” business is kind entitled, tbh. But I think there’s a certain confidence or sense of well-being that comes from “knowing your place.” Not “place” in a class or power-exchange way but knowing what you enjoy and being fine with it.