[Update: as a meme this is hilarious and a big hat’s off to @bellona007 for finding it. Yeah, I get grumpy about issues of consent, boundaries, and folks who confused D/S and abuse… but please don’t mistake all my dad’splaining for disapproval of the actual, you know, joke!]
Quick reminder here: this does not represent a D/S relationship. It’s not cute. it’s not funny. Nor would it be any funnier or cuter if the roles were reversed. Nor if it was a D/Lg couple no matter which partner was the top.
If the question was instead “Do you cheerfully Submit to your wife” it would probably be fine for him to defer and let her answer.
Similarly it might be fine if she said “he’s told me he doesn’t feel dominated.”
But clue #1: nobody gets to answer how you feel about anything. For better or worse, feelings happen outside the realm of communication.
That right there isn’t a D/S relationship, it’s an abusive one.
And clue #2: Subs and Littles and other power-exchange bottoms authorize their tops. As in “by the authority vested in me.”
Yes, this is me digging out my old social-theory terminology, but strictly speaking, he hasn’t given her any power. By answering for him she’s taken power from him.
And that’s the difference between authority and power. Power, strictly speaking, is maintained through physical, emotional, economic, or social violence, or threats of violence. Power is taken; authority is given!
Authority can be revoked. Power can only be overcome.
Authorizing = consent!
I’m not going to say “power exchange” kinks should be renamed “authority delegation” kink, because that would be sort of the opposite of sexy.
But when people talk about how “the Sub has all the power” what they really mean is that the Sub can revoke the authority they grant, and there’s nothing (short of non-consensual violence) the Dom can do about it.
Vanilla people have the hardest time understanding this distinction between power and authority, between kink and abuse. Newcomers to kink often need time to fully comprehend and internalize the difference.
But it makes all the difference in the world.
Going to be a grumpy Daddy for a minute here and say that no matter how deeply, darkly 24/7 a relationship is, there’s one question a Dom can’t answer for their Sub and it’s that question right there.
And to be a little more generous about it, a good top knows that if they keep their mouths shut for 10 seconds their Sub is going to say, with an ear-to-ear smile, “hell yeah I do, she’s an awesome Dom.”
A good top won’t be afraid to let their partner answer that question.
