Posts Tagged ‘abuse and codependence vs kink’
Do you think it’s possible to become too dependent on stuffies? I slept without one of my favorites last night and I barely slept. Is it okay that I need my stuffed animals to sleep?
I’m the caretaker for my children’s stuffies, now that theyre grown. They may have outgrown them and moved on to college and life. But I couldn’t sleep if I lost either of them.
Yes, you can be too dependent on anything. But sometimes even gruff old Daddies love their stuffies too.
You asked a very serious question though. Serious because you asked it. You’re concerned about how you feel about your favorite. And about being so attached you had a hard time sleeping.
My answer would be what do your stuffies mean for you? Do you worry because you’re embarrassed and maybe you’ve internalized some mockery or shaming? Maybe believing stereotypes about adults who can’t or won’t “grow up?”
If so then hug those stuffies and let go of being shamed by the mostly-imaginary opinions of others.
If instead you worry that maybe you’ve displaced some inner hurt, or trauma, or feeling of emptiness or enem irresponsibility… Or if you’re feeling compulsive and don’t want to be. Then it’s ok to still love your stuffies but also to talk to someone who can help.
Cause stuffies are brave and loyal, aren’t they? But they’re also small and can’t always handle everything you put on them. If you do talk to someone you might find your stuffies can be companions again and not crutches or bandages.
Only you can know the answer. Thank you for asking an important question. I know others might feel the same as you. Best of luck, ok?
Due to being hit in the face as punishment when I was a child my face is off limits during play. I want to be able to engage in face slapping in the future. Is it possible to work past this or should I leave it alone?
Wow, that’s an excellent question. Naturally there’s no one answer, let alone one good answer.
The first question would be is this an erotic fantasy for you? If so then great, you can enjoy the fantasy all day long. Lots of things that get us off in fantasy arent that great in reality. (Ask anyone who’s fantasized about owning a sailboat!!!)
The next question is would it turn you on to actually do it? On the one hand it could be triggering as hell, in which case maybe leave it alone. (My default answer is always going to be leave it alone.). On the other hand you’ve actually experienced it do you have “muscle memory” of how it feels and what it does. Which leads to…
There are a lot of things we can do where the context makes all the difference in how we feel about it. Pressing lips together can be thrilling with a lover, yucky with great aunt Margaret, routine for a French diplomat, and horrifying when it’s your drunk brother in law. Same’s true with tough play in sex. A soccer ball in the face, a smack from an angry parent, and an erotic slap from a Dominant partner all feel the same physically, but the emotional significance can be radically different.
Unless you’re reflexively triggered. In which it’s all the same… and you should leave it alone.
Last question would be do you want this or do you feel it’s necessary to be a “good” Submissive or Masochist? Because it’s really not something a lot of real Doms or Sadists need to do. Unless it’s a specific fetish of theirs they’re going to assess your boundaries and figure out all the other things they can do instead. The point being that clear boundaries and hard limits make good BDSM. If you have a partner who can’t handle that for any reason? Leave it, and then, alone.
Finally, if you really do get reflexively triggered but you do get turned on and want to do it, consider finding a good EMDR practitioner to help move your triggers out of your “hindbrain” and into your “forebrain” where you can process it consciously. Maybe!
Which brings up a really important point: kink is not a great way to avoid processing genuine trauma. Doms aren’t trained trauma therapists, and even if they were it would violate professional ethics to perform it on their romantic or sexual partners. It’s also not ethical to use a Dom to work through something. Cause it’s… well… using them!
All that said, my main answer is going to be if you can comfortably leave it alone it’s probably best to leave it alone. If not then be crystal clear in your communication, set very clear boundaries, and maybe talk to someone professionally because… dang it all, somebody slapped you around when you were a little kid! Nobody should have to keep living with that without a little support.
Thank you so much for asking. Best of luck whatever you choose, ok?
[Update: as a meme this is hilarious and a big hat’s off to @bellona007 for finding it. Yeah, I get grumpy about issues of consent, boundaries, and folks who confused D/S and abuse… but please don’t mistake all my dad’splaining for disapproval of the actual, you know, joke!]
Quick reminder here: this does not represent a D/S relationship. It’s not cute. it’s not funny. Nor would it be any funnier or cuter if the roles were reversed. Nor if it was a D/Lg couple no matter which partner was the top.
If the question was instead “Do you cheerfully Submit to your wife” it would probably be fine for him to defer and let her answer.
Similarly it might be fine if she said “he’s told me he doesn’t feel dominated.”
But clue #1: nobody gets to answer how you feel about anything. For better or worse, feelings happen outside the realm of communication.
That right there isn’t a D/S relationship, it’s an abusive one.
And clue #2: Subs and Littles and other power-exchange bottoms authorize their tops. As in “by the authority vested in me.”
Yes, this is me digging out my old social-theory terminology, but strictly speaking, he hasn’t given her any power. By answering for him she’s taken power from him.
And that’s the difference between authority and power. Power, strictly speaking, is maintained through physical, emotional, economic, or social violence, or threats of violence. Power is taken; authority is given!
Authority can be revoked. Power can only be overcome.
Authorizing = consent!
I’m not going to say “power exchange” kinks should be renamed “authority delegation” kink, because that would be sort of the opposite of sexy.
But when people talk about how “the Sub has all the power” what they really mean is that the Sub can revoke the authority they grant, and there’s nothing (short of non-consensual violence) the Dom can do about it.
Vanilla people have the hardest time understanding this distinction between power and authority, between kink and abuse. Newcomers to kink often need time to fully comprehend and internalize the difference.
But it makes all the difference in the world.
Going to be a grumpy Daddy for a minute here and say that no matter how deeply, darkly 24/7 a relationship is, there’s one question a Dom can’t answer for their Sub and it’s that question right there.
And to be a little more generous about it, a good top knows that if they keep their mouths shut for 10 seconds their Sub is going to say, with an ear-to-ear smile, “hell yeah I do, she’s an awesome Dom.”
A good top won’t be afraid to let their partner answer that question.
My daddy just gets so irritated n angry with me, often punishing me out of anger for things that aren’t even rules and it makes me feel terrible. I don’t anger him on purpose, it just seems to happen. I don’t know what to do.
daddyandhislittleprincess11102:
What you need to do is RUN. This is not a daddy, this is a dangerous abuser and you are an abuse victim. Get out. NOW.
The first time he punished you out of anger for a rule that didn’t exist, you should have run. Any person that would do that is domineering, not a Dominant. They are an abuser, not a lover. You need to pack up your shit and run before he does something really bad to you, because he will! He doesn’t care about you and you feel it. He makes you feel bad about yourself. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him because he might yell (abuse you) at you. This is not D/s. This is not DD/lg. This is not CG/lg.
This is abuse, straight up abuse. You deserve so much more!
Now, RUN and go find it!
Good luck! We are pulling for you!
Please be safe @instructor144 anon! You definitely need to get away from him. It will only get worse and this will only traumatize you more. Make a plan and go. You ARE worth it!
This! D/S is a kink! It’s a way to be together that makes us both happy, horny, and healthy!
To use a very pointed analogy, if two people are in a boxing ring and one punches the other that’s part of the agreement and rules and framework of boxing. If they see each other walking down the street and one of them delivers the exact same punch it’s criminal assault and battery because that’s totally outside of any agreement at all!
Same with any of the power-exchange kinks, even so-called “24/7″ Master/Slave ones. I don’t know if the anon’s guy is a bona fide abuser or if he just has zero sense of boundaries, but he’s way outside of the anon’s agreements with him.
Also, not to put too fine a point on it, but every Dom, Daddy, Master, or even Sadist should know that the hallmark of power-exchange is that tops stay under control of themselves! And therefore should never do any kind of D/S out of genuine anger.
You know what you do when your partner (Sub or Dom, or vanilla as a pudding pop for that matter) has made you angry? You use your safeword (yeah, Doms need safewords too) and call a timeout, and you sit down and talk it out. Why, it’s almost as if a kink relationship was an actual goddamn relationship!
Dominance ≠ domestic violence; Submission ≠ codependence.
The key words here are “makes me feel terrible.” D/S is supposed to make you feel good! If it makes you feel terrible it’s not kink, its just really shitty vanilla with unprovoked hitting.
If he doesn’t listen then, yeah, withdraw consent for all D/S. If he balks at that then definitely withdraw from the relationship! Find your support network. Tell who you need to tell to be safe, yeah, but also not to feel terrible!
TIL: The majority of child abuse perpetrators are women.
via reddit.com
By “majority” they mean “53.5%” which is an interesting number because more than 80% of abuse is carried out by a parent and if you check the proportions of families where women are involved v. families where men are involved it’s apparent that men are disproportionately likely to inflict abuse despite technically making up a smaller percentage of total abusers. Households with both a man and woman make up 69% of total parent arrangements, then 23% are single mother households, while single father households make up just 4%. So despite women being present in 92% of parenting arrangements while men are present in just 73% men still manage to commit almost half of child abuse, plus the data doesn’t analyse gender v. type of abuse and the figures cover everything from neglect to physical and sexual abuse and I think we can agree that these are not in any way equivalent forms of abuse (not that neglect is excusable but sexual abuse is clearly a worse offense). Yeah tho, this is why statistics matters, these numbers are meaningless without context.
And that’s how you lie with numbers, kids.
This is a kink blog but I’m going to take a little time out here to put on my social-theorist and parenting hats. Folks looking for a giggle in their pants can scroll up or down but won’t find them here.
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MRAs and incels, as usual, can all go fuck themselves to therapy. So be careful around “statistics” of any kind if they’re waiving it around.
However, it doesn’t seem that controversial that human beings in power-imbalance situations would manifest both positive and negative behaviors in roughly equal proportions.
If you really want to bring the gender social construct into discussions of human behavior you should be sure to factor in that it’s… well… a social construct. But if it’s the case that abuse is typically a punching-down phenomenon, and if it’s the case that gendered adult women are more likely to be subject to abuse, and if it’s the case that children are more likely to be attended to by women, then it shouldn’t be surprising that slightly more women would be observed abusing children than men.
But oppressor olympics is about as unproductive as oppression olympics. A gendered man reading “perpetrators are women” will feel as unjustly absolve as a gendered woman reading “nuh uh, perpetrators are men.” But really, since abuse is typically a punching-down phenomenon, the common factor is that abuse is perpetrated on children.
Children, I’m let to understand, come in all sexes, genders, identities, orientations. Also in roughly equal proportions. 40+ years of serious research into physical, psychological, and sexual abuse of children (and others in power-imbalance contexts) reveal virtually no preference for victims by designated sex.
Children grow up.
When they grow up children tend to reflect the behavior that was modeled for them.
Children for whom abusive behavior was modeled will have greater difficulty recognizing and overcoming impulses to perform the same behaviors.
Look. Playing the oppressor olympic is an asshole, gaslighting game because…
What if we made the fucking MRAs happy and announced that not roughly half but 90 percent of abuse against children was perpetrated by women. Or conversely what if we made the shit-assed Quiverful trad-fems happy and declared that not roughly half but ninety percent of abuse against children was instead perpetuated by men.
Either way that would still leave a neglected reservoir of 10% of overlooked and therefore unchecked abusers modeling behavior to the next generation of… future potential perpetrators!
But it’s not a 90/10 ratio, is it? No, it’s a rounding error away from 50/50. Only an absolute floating turd would crow that a 3% difference on one side vindicates the other. And only a festering rectal tear would fluff around confounding factors to conversely try to explain a 3% difference.
Human beings are profoundly capable of punching down. If you think it’s important to dwell on whether more men or more women perpetrate then congratulations, you’ve internalized gender stereotypes! Pick up your participation trophy at nearest Patriarchy will-call window.
Now I don’t mean to say that gender has nothing to do with abuse. It’s got plenty! Case in point? Progressive educators and school administrators only began acknowledging and addressing “emotional bullying” in the 1990s… as a “female” form of abuse. That’s certainly better than ignoring it altogether, and it’s certainly the case that once people started looking it was hard not to recognize that “mean girl” bullying was pervasive. That’s certainly a start! But, um, kind of gonna put it out there that, you know, boys commit emotional abuse too. Failing to recognize and take that seriously is kind of like failing to recognize and take seriously girls beating the shit out of other girls in the back of school busses.
And where do all these boys and girls children learn emotional, physical, and sexual-assault behaviors in power-imbalance situations? Oh, well, it couldn’t be from their custodial adults could it? Not from men. Not from women. From adults. Don’t be one of those adults. Raise your children so that instead of becoming “men” or “women they become adults. The kind that doesn’t model punching down to their children.
Assumptions, presumptions, and agency…
Omg you’ve been horribly abused in some of your pictures. Especially the one where your behind is a bloody mess. You deserve so much more. I understand this is a fetish, but wow, that broke my heart to see someone hurt another so badly. I can’t imagine how painful that must have been for you not just during it, but for days or even weeks later. Hope you realize how beautiful you are and that you deserve so much better than these type of sex fetishes.💕
I’m going to list 3 types of people:
- Vanilla people who just see abuse
- 50 shades groupies who see a bit of spanking as fun, but anything more is abuse
- Masochists
Now I’m unsure if you are the first or the second example. The fact you’ve stumbled across my blog makes me think you’re the second, but who knows.
I am the third. I am a masochist, and I am a submissive.
Do I need to explain what a masochist is? I enjoy pain. I ADORE bruises. That photo you are referring to was done for fun, MY fun, as well as theirs. It wasn’t even that painful if I’m honest, and I loved it. I look back on those pics and smile.
Despite you calling me beautiful, what you have done is make me feel like shit, you come to my blog and decide that you’re going to try and tell me I deserve better- yes, I deserve far better than being told to feel ashamed of myself and who I am. YOU have shamed me.
I hate separating my 2 partners but I’m going to.
You see a few pics of my beaten butt and you scream abuse and think I need saving. Did you see when I was in hospital, dozens of times because of my chronic condition, did you see me coming out of surgery and Daddy holding the straw to my mouth to get me drinking? Or lifting tiny morsels of food to my lips to get me eating? Do you see him coming home from a full days work and starting on dinner because I can’t move? Do you see any of that?
Or how about Mister, we don’t live together but he’d do all that too. In fact when I have bad days, do you see him spend 5 hours on FaceTime with me whilst he’s working, just so he can keep me company? Do you see him, every single day, checking I’ve eaten and taken my meds?
You tell me I’m beautiful, after shaming who I am and making me feel crap about myself, whereas he has had me saying mantras into the mirror for the last few days, until I start believing that I really am beautiful, until I start believing him.
When I’ve had a bad day and told Mister I wish he could sing to me, do you know what he did? He recording him singing, have you seen 3 men and a baby? You know where they sing “Goodnight sweetheart”? That. He sung that to me just before bedtime to help calm my head.
You’re right, I am worth more than a bloody butt- I’m worth all that they give me. I’m worth all their love.
This is who I am. This is what I want. Please don’t go around telling people they are being abused when they are very clearly happy and love what they do.
I love these men so much, and they love me. We are so much more than the few pics we decide to share- can you imagine how much love and trust there is to do what we do?
Everything is consensual, I have limits which have always been respected, I have a safe word, which again will always be respected. On top of that, any of us, at any point, can say actually I don’t want any kink right now, and it will stop- the kink will stop, but the relationships will continue, because guess what?
We are more than “just” the kink you see, and although we’d miss it, we love each other and that is stronger. So if I wanted to take a break from kink, I know that my partners would respect that and still be right beside me.
There’s a huge difference between saying
- You are being abused
- Are you being abused
It’s important to inquire because sometimes hells yeah they’re being abused.! Only one of those sentences respects and acknowledges the other person’s agency. Even an actual victim’s agency, which, incidentally makes it even more important to give them their agency!
Important clue: if you walk up to an abused person and say “you’re abused” you want to guess what they’re going to say somewhere between nine times out of ten and 99 times out of 100? “I’m fine!”
Adults in abuse are rarely given choices by their abusers. Their agency is taken away from them. That’s why you taking away their agency by making declarations on their “behalf” isn’t just rude but unworkable.
So let’s not do that. If you believe someone’s being abused that’s a serious, red-letter situation. For goodness sake don’t just assume they’re cheerful masochists either! But regardless please have enough courtesy respect for them that you ask and listen and don’t just tell.
Big, big hat’s off to @littlemissbratty for clarifying the difference between Submission and Masochism. First because they’re not the same thing – LMB is very clear that they’re both, not one or the other. But second because in the hierarchy of these things those fucking Shades of Grey “D/S” relationships are far more likely to be abusive than simple S&M ones.
A pure Sadist wants to hurt someone but not control them. A pure Masochist gets off on pain but may have exactly zero tolerance for being controlled. (In fact I’ve met scary-dominant Masochists and deeply submissive Sadists.) Of course in reality there are very few “pure” kinksters. BDSM isn’t just an alphabet or even a spectrum, it’s a gloriously messy artist’s palette of possibilities.
It’s not kink if unless you’re both satisfied! That is all.
I saw the ask about sleeping separately as a form of punishment. My ex would make me sleep alone if I didn’t please him every night. I can’t explain the crushing feeling as I’d watch him leave the room, angry and pissed. I felt absolutely worthless, pathetic, and undeserving of love and a loving partner.
Exactly. Which is why it isn’t punishment, it’s abuse.
Let’s take a little timeout and have a grownup conversation about BDSM and kink.
It’s not kink if unless you’re both satisfied! That is all.
If being made to sleep separately as punishment makes you feel happy, excited, contented, more enthusiastic, more motivated, and, especially, more horny then awesome! That’s wonderful! Some pet-play Subs can’t think of anything more romantic and reassuring than being made to sleep in actual fucking cages overnight! More power to you! And if your top understands this then they’re awesome, considerate lovers!
But!
If it doesn’t leave you satisfied and happy? Then there are two possible choices, both involving taking a timeout and have a grownup conversation about BDSM and kink with them.
- The “dom” is either clueless or abusive
- The “sub” is either clueless or codependent
Abuse and codependence aren’t kinks, they’re pathologies. Both are dangerous, both can hurt a lot of people. Kink in particular but relationships in general would be a lot healthier if we were more observant of the differences.