Assumptions, presumptions, and agency…
Omg youâve been horribly abused in some of your pictures. Especially the one where your behind is a bloody mess. You deserve so much more. I understand this is a fetish, but wow, that broke my heart to see someone hurt another so badly. I canât imagine how painful that must have been for you not just during it, but for days or even weeks later. Hope you realize how beautiful you are and that you deserve so much better than these type of sex fetishes.đ
Iâm going to list 3 types of people:
- Vanilla people who just see abuse
- 50 shades groupies who see a bit of spanking as fun, but anything more is abuse
- Masochists
Now Iâm unsure if you are the first or the second example. The fact youâve stumbled across my blog makes me think youâre the second, but who knows.
I am the third. I am a masochist, and I am a submissive.
Do I need to explain what a masochist is? I enjoy pain. I ADORE bruises. That photo you are referring to was done for fun, MY fun, as well as theirs. It wasnât even that painful if Iâm honest, and I loved it. I look back on those pics and smile.
Despite you calling me beautiful, what you have done is make me feel like shit, you come to my blog and decide that youâre going to try and tell me I deserve better- yes, I deserve far better than being told to feel ashamed of myself and who I am. YOU have shamed me.
I hate separating my 2 partners but Iâm going to.
You see a few pics of my beaten butt and you scream abuse and think I need saving. Did you see when I was in hospital, dozens of times because of my chronic condition, did you see me coming out of surgery and Daddy holding the straw to my mouth to get me drinking? Or lifting tiny morsels of food to my lips to get me eating? Do you see him coming home from a full days work and starting on dinner because I canât move? Do you see any of that?
Or how about Mister, we donât live together but heâd do all that too. In fact when I have bad days, do you see him spend 5 hours on FaceTime with me whilst heâs working, just so he can keep me company? Do you see him, every single day, checking Iâve eaten and taken my meds?
You tell me Iâm beautiful, after shaming who I am and making me feel crap about myself, whereas he has had me saying mantras into the mirror for the last few days, until I start believing that I really am beautiful, until I start believing him.
When Iâve had a bad day and told Mister I wish he could sing to me, do you know what he did? He recording him singing, have you seen 3 men and a baby? You know where they sing âGoodnight sweetheartâ? That. He sung that to me just before bedtime to help calm my head.
Youâre right, I am worth more than a bloody butt- Iâm worth all that they give me. Iâm worth all their love.
This is who I am. This is what I want. Please donât go around telling people they are being abused when they are very clearly happy and love what they do.
I love these men so much, and they love me. We are so much more than the few pics we decide to share- can you imagine how much love and trust there is to do what we do?
Everything is consensual, I have limits which have always been respected, I have a safe word, which again will always be respected. On top of that, any of us, at any point, can say actually I donât want any kink right now, and it will stop- the kink will stop, but the relationships will continue, because guess what?
We are more than âjustâ the kink you see, and although weâd miss it, we love each other and that is stronger. So if I wanted to take a break from kink, I know that my partners would respect that and still be right beside me.
Thereâs a huge difference between saying
- You are being abused
- Are you being abused
Itâs important to inquire because sometimes hells yeah theyâre being abused.! Only one of those sentences respects and acknowledges the other personâs agency. Even an actual victimâs agency, which, incidentally makes it even more important to give them their agency!
Important clue: if you walk up to an abused person and say âyouâre abusedâ you want to guess what theyâre going to say somewhere between nine times out of ten and 99 times out of 100?  âIâm fine!â
Adults in abuse are rarely given choices by their abusers. Their agency is taken away from them. Thatâs why you taking away their agency by making declarations on their âbehalfâ isnât just rude but unworkable.
So letâs not do that. If you believe someoneâs being abused thatâs a serious, red-letter situation. For goodness sake donât just assume theyâre cheerful masochists either! But regardless please have enough courtesy respect for them that you ask and listen and donât just tell.
Big, big hatâs off to @littlemissbratty for clarifying the difference between Submission and Masochism. First because theyâre not the same thing â LMB is very clear that theyâre both, not one or the other. But second because in the hierarchy of these things those fucking Shades of Grey âD/Sâ relationships are far more likely to be abusive than simple S&M ones.
A pure Sadist wants to hurt someone but not control them. A pure Masochist gets off on pain but may have exactly zero tolerance for being controlled. (In fact Iâve met scary-dominant Masochists and deeply submissive Sadists.) Of course in reality there are very few âpureâ kinksters. BDSM isnât just an alphabet or even a spectrum, itâs a gloriously messy artistâs palette of possibilities.
