I dont think this is headed in the direction you think it is. We see this phrase and relate it to the submissive mind, words given by Doms to their submissives. They are powerful tools in helping us to “gird our loins”, so to speak. They are instrumental in helping us to stand strong in the face of our fears, to encourage us in areas in which we need bolstering. They are a comfort to us at times when life tries to drag us under. They are a powerful reminder of who we are, apart from what the world sees, and to whom we belong. I can attest to their power in my own life. Daily affirmations are the most powerful and versatile tool a Dom has to help his submissive, in my opinion. We all would agree with their importance. But….what about Doms? That’s the question that keeps circling around in my mind. I’ve asked my friends in the community if they give their Doms words to say or my Dom friends if they’ve been given them by their submissives. I’ve never seen anyone write about it. The ones I’ve spoken with havent experienced it, on either side of the slash. Why not? I understand the guidance part. A Dom is the one who leads and guides and cares for the submissive. Our words are part of that. Doms experience low times too, though. Doms get overwhelmed and anxious and swallowed up in the challenges they face, as well. I’ve read endless posts of Doms dealing with work and family stress, medical issues, feelings of failure, and depression. Don’t they need and deserve words from their subs, of encouragement? I look at my words as a love letter from my Dom. His words to me carry me through those tough times, they remind me of His love for me, that He’s always thinking of me. I think Doms deserve those words, too. Words from us. Special words to them that remind them of who THEY are. Words that remind THEM that they’ve got this, they can do it. Words that remind THEM of who they belong to. Words that they can carry with them and hear whenever and wherever THEY need them. Love letters. To THEM. ❤
09/27/19
This! Doms and Daddies aren’t magic. We’re flesh and blood and hormones too. It’s a quirk in our natures that we gain strength and fulfillment from taking responsibility. But we’re still human.
I’m going to declare that the measure of a good Dom is how well he or she or they raise their Sub’s confidence and self-awareness not just by deeds but words. But whatever our dynamics together Subs and Littles and other bottoms are our equal, autonomous, and powerful relationship partners. And do your word of affirmation mean the world to us. We only need to learn to hear them.
By Thomas Oldenough | September 19, 2019 | Comments Off on I’ve read some of your asks involving collaring and still don’t feel like I have a good grasp on what it actually means. Can you explain collaring more?
Well, I wanted to take my time with this one even though I got about 15 asks.
Collaring is a sign of ownership in a D/s relationship, but there are several types of collars in D/s, from play collars to training collars to discreet day collars and more. But the reference I tend to mention often is the idea of a collar as a symbol of the relationship itself, not play per se.
Now for people new to BDSM, you should know that collaring or being a collared sub is a huge deal. Some people have full-blown ceremonies like weddings and some people see a collar as greater than or on par with a wedding band. Not everyone does, obviously, but some people like myself tend to see it as a major commitment.
It signifies in some ways something different than a wedding band because, in order to get to the place of wanting to give a collar or accept a collar, it should mean you have exposed an emotional side that is the most open and vulnerable you get, and unfortunately, not all marriages ever have that, as we all know.
In comparison to a marriage, in some ways, it is purer. Nobody in your real life has to even know you are collared so there is no peer pressure element from your parents or element to do it because it was expected because you got pregnant or you are aging or the multitude of reasons people get married.
The reality is that even in the best marriages, most people get married because there is at least a small factor somewhere that “they are expected to”, but nobody “expects you to” get collared because almost nobody even knows you even did.
So being collared is just a very personal, emotion-only, loving and amazing act between two people who have melted into each other.
It’s just a very beautiful commitment.
As a collared sub, the idea is you never take it off, ever. At least, in my belief. It is meant to be lifelong at the time it is put on, in most people’s cases.
Now a lot of people think being collared means “wearing an actual collar” around your neck, but it usually is a discreet day collar, which could be a necklace, anklet, or bracelet and it could be very very simple, like a little black slipknot bracelet or a simple necklace like the one above. Some people even get a tattoo to mark themselves permanently.
In D/s, people – all people – have a tendency to “do stuff” without thinking it through a lot. It’s common and it’s normal. D/s and BDSM is a hot and sexy, visceral passionate way to embrace certain sides of yourself. As a Dom or sub, it’s just fun to have rough sex or fun to do Tasks.
But collaring is different in one key way from all other D/s acts.
Collaring is the one thing – the singular thing – that is rational and well-thought-out, in a world of emotion-driven actions. Collaring is the pinnacle. Collaring is as deep as the rabbit hole goes.
So to disrespect the collared relationship is pretty bad because you are effectively voiding out what that person gave to you, as the sub or Dom. Now everybody fucks up, which is normal. It’s not like you can’t fuck up if being a Dom with a collared sub or being a collared sub. By the way – when she wears a collar, the Dom does too in spirit, so it goes both ways. It’s not like she has to be a saint and he can be a douche. It’s both of them – bonded – in a very special way.
This is a lot of how Daddy and I see collaring too.
Collaring is significant. It is meaningful. It is a goal, a gift, a commitment and a responsibility. We aren’t even into play collars because of how important we find it as a symbol, so we prefer a belt or rope, (or something similar) for play.
See, we are still navigating what D/s and full spectrum power exchange mean to us. We are committed, in love and married, but he won’t collar me, and I won’t accept a collar from him until we both commit to this life.
To us a collar is more than just a symbol our commitment to kink and each other, it is about our commitment to this dynamic, and ownership of our roles within it.
It took us four years to decide to commit to marriage, and afterwards we joked about how it was “leveling up.” When we discovered D/s and it opened this new path for us, we said it was like finishing the game and starting the next one.
This new game called Full Spectrum is our continued discovery of our life together. It is about growing even more open and vulnerable and connected. It is about the discovery of more parts of ourselves and our relationship.
What does dominance mean to Daddy? How does my submission make me, me? What are my needs, his needs, his wants, my wants? How will we live our dynamic in public, in private, with kids, with our families? What does this commitment to power exchange mean to us individually and together? Do we choose this, is this who we are, and what does that mean?
We have only been officially D/s for less than a year, and I am not in a hurry to be collared. I think it takes time to discover the answers to those questions, time for our commitment, ownership, and connection to grow within a new dynamic, even if it already had deep roots.
Collaring is significant to us because it is about who we are individually, to each other and what we become together. There are still a lot of levels to explore before we reach what a complete commitment not just to us, but to our dynamic and this way of life means.
When we reach that point, when we know what this means to us, then we will take that step. He will give my collar, and by putting it on, I will give him his.
We will continue down this rabbit hole and face the jabberwocky together, committed warriors within our relationship, connected by what the collar means. The pinnacle of our commitment, our connection, our responsibility.
That is what we see as collaring.
So this is pretty important for two great reasons.
“Collaring” is the D/S or M/S equivalent of marriage
“Putting on a collar” is just regular old bondage or pet play
Both of these are legitimate things kinky people can do… but if you don’t realize collars can have radically different significance you can end up with a lot of misunderstanding, frustration, even alarm or anger.
If you’re new to kink, don’t be surprised if you get more of a response when you say “collar” than you expected. And if you’ve been in the community for years be generous to newcomers who might not understand the significance.
Comments Off on I’ve read some of your asks involving collaring and still don’t feel like I have a good grasp on what it actually means. Can you explain collaring more?
Dominance is not about control over a submissive. Dominance is about leading and the submissive following. These words have been said thousands of times by thousands of people. I suspect it will continue to be said for many years to come.
Submissives do not seek people to control them. They seek a leader that proves time and time again that they are qualified to follow.
Mistakes happen. Wrong decisions are made. It’s how you handle those decisions that make you reliable and trustworthy.
Once again… Ding
Always re blog this
So nicely said. It’s also not the case that “the Sub has the power.” It’s that in a real kink relationship you want to be there. Otherwise you can walk away same as a Dom can.
Not all Doms or Daddies get this. Not all Subs or Littles do either.
But it’s essential to real D/S and D/Lg. We’re both actively fulfilling our respective roles or it’s just abuse or codependence.
Dominance is leading as in ballroom dancing. In meta conversation as when off the dance floor we’re just us.
One of the genuinely awesome things about kink is you get to be 100% 3-dimensional human beings with not just sex lives or kink roles but romantic lives, work lives, family lives, fantasy lives, social lives, political lives…
And one of the genuinely awesome things about being real human beings is that we get to express ourselves in more than one way.
Your goals, my goals, our goals!
Think we can’t have both sunshine and daisies and leashes and collars? Oh bookmark we can have both, can’t we?
When I first started in D/s, it felt like a missing piece of my soul had finally fallen into place. I felt for the first time like someone validated every desire I’d ever had. And then there were the rules! Such titillating, filthy rules…
But something was missing. I couldn’t understand what it was. I was in a 24/7 dynamic with the rules and structure I craved. And I could feel his ownership in every moment, through my dripping arousal. Edging in the bathroom at work, wearing a plug on appointed days, using my body when he wanted in whatever way he desired. And this was a man that I loved deeply and had a long history with. But still, the dynamic didn’t sate me the way I had imagined.
I didn’t realize what was missing until much later, when I found that bone-deep fulfillment in another D/s relationship. I had wondered if maybe I was wrong about my need for submission and power exchange—if maybe it was just another kinky thing I liked. But what I realized is that you can have 24/7 D/s with someone you love and still get D/s wrong. The difference is in how you structure it and where you put your focus.
Now that I’ve learned what fulfills me, I’ve come to see power exchange relationships as falling into two groups. I call them cotton candy D/s and meat-and-potatoes D/s. My first D/s was cotton candy. It was sexy, happy fluff. It was exactly how I wanted to submit, and it was so easy to get lost in it. But it couldn’t sustain me. The thing about cotton candy is that it tastes great when you’re eating it, and 5 minutes later you’re starving again.
Then there’s meat and potatoes. Meat and potatoes don’t bring the sugar rush that cotton candy does, but they sustain you so much longer. Meat-and-potatoes dynamics weave the power exchange into every part of the relationship. They are dynamics you can still feel when you’re doing the laundry or watching a movie together or focused at work. They do have candy. And holy wow, it is the best candy. But that’s not the core of it.
Meat-and-potatoes dynamics are about fulfilling needs, not wants. They are about each partner taking seriously their responsibilities to one another and to the dynamic. Permission for an orgasm may be denied, not in favor of edging multiple times but in favor of completing an important work/school/home project. Instructions to wear nipple clamps under clothes are traded in for instructions to schedule that damn optometrist appointment OR ELSE. A ritual about being stripped and cuffed may not lead to face fucking and hard use, but to quiet snuggles at the end of a long day.
When you build your dynamic on need fulfillment instead of wish fulfillment, it takes you down a much different path of communication. It guides Dominants to understand why their submissives make certain requests. It helps them find what their submissives genuinely need, not just what they say they need. And it helps submissives to anticipate their Dominants’ needs, even if that need is a night to themselves. These dynamics don’t rely on exciting sexual tasks to keep the ownership connection alive, because that connection flows through every interaction. Meat and potatoes may not have that jolt of excitement in every moment, but it leads to a power exchange that is much more sustainable and healthy.
I thought rules and tasks would sate my deep hunger for power exchange. But the substance matters. My first D/s felt unfulfilling, but it wasn’t the D/s itself. It was the way we built it. And once I found a dynamic that gave me bone-deep fulfillment, I wasn’t starving anymore.
Bingo! This is such an important distinction!
Nothing even a little bit wrong with either. Not one tiny bit.
But they are different. Knowing what you want. Want to give want to receive. And especially being on the same page makes for better relationships and less drama, disappointment, or frustration.
-you ignore your sub unless they are in some way sexually pleasing you
-you call yourself daddy while introducing yourself to a possible sub
-you assume that a ddlg/ddlb relationship is purely sexual
-you give out punishments for no reason other than for your own pleasure
-you make your sub feel bad for being in little space
For those that are baffled by this concept, try remembering that kind relationships are still relationships. And therefore all relationship rules apply. And therefore all non-kink relationship rules apply.
So!
Try this out: someone is not a real boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife if…
You ignore your partner unless they are in some way sexually pleasing you
You call yourself their husband/wife while introducing yourself
You assume that all relationships are purely sexual
You make demands for no reason other than for your own pleasure
You make your partner feel bad for being into their own things
Wow, right? Someone who did all those things would be a really shitty boyfriend wouldn’t they?!??! Or girlfriend. In fact, “boyfriend” wouldn’t even be accurate because you really wouldn’t even be friends, period!
Now. Add kink rules on top of those rules and suddenly @probl3maticprincess‘s rules make total, perfect, 100% sense, don’t they?
Nothing wrong with sex-only bag-over-your-heads hookups if that’s all either of you want, and the same for kink-only hookups too. It’s BDSM, sure, and that’s totally fine! But just like you wouldn’t call it a relationship if you were vanilla, don’t call yourself a real Dom or Daddy if you don’t also do real Dom and Daddy things.
By Thomas Oldenough | July 2, 2019 | Comments Off on My daddy just gets so irritated n angry with me, often punishing me out of anger for things that aren’t even rules and it makes me feel terrible. I don’t anger him on purpose, it just seems to happen. I don’t know what to do.
What you need to do is RUN. This is not a daddy, this is a dangerous abuser and you are an abuse victim. Get out. NOW.
The first time he punished you out of anger for a rule that didn’t exist, you should have run. Any person that would do that is domineering, not a Dominant. They are an abuser, not a lover. You need to pack up your shit and run before he does something really bad to you, because he will! He doesn’t care about you and you feel it. He makes you feel bad about yourself. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him because he might yell (abuse you) at you. This is not D/s. This is not DD/lg. This is not CG/lg.
This is abuse, straight up abuse. You deserve so much more!
Now, RUN and go find it!
Good luck! We are pulling for you!
Please be safe @instructor144 anon! You definitely need to get away from him. It will only get worse and this will only traumatize you more. Make a plan and go. You ARE worth it!
This! D/S is a kink! It’s a way to be together that makes us both happy, horny, and healthy!
To use a very pointed analogy, if two people are in a boxing ring and one punches the other that’s part of the agreement and rules and framework of boxing. If they see each other walking down the street and one of them delivers the exact same punch it’s criminal assault and battery because that’s totally outside of any agreement at all!
Same with any of the power-exchange kinks, even so-called “24/7″ Master/Slave ones. I don’t know if the anon’s guy is a bona fide abuser or if he just has zero sense of boundaries, but he’s way outside of the anon’s agreements with him.
Also, not to put too fine a point on it, but every Dom, Daddy, Master, or even Sadist should know that the hallmark of power-exchange is that tops stay under control of themselves! And therefore should never do any kind of D/S out of genuine anger.
You know what you do when your partner (Sub or Dom, or vanilla as a pudding pop for that matter) has made you angry? You use your safeword (yeah, Doms need safewords too) and call a timeout, and you sit down and talk it out. Why, it’s almost as if a kink relationship was an actual goddamn relationship!
The key words here are “makes me feel terrible.” D/S is supposed to make you feel good! If it makes you feel terrible it’s not kink, its just really shitty vanilla with unprovoked hitting.
If he doesn’t listen then, yeah, withdraw consent for all D/S. If he balks at that then definitely withdraw from the relationship! Find your support network. Tell who you need to tell to be safe, yeah, but also not to feel terrible!
Comments Off on My daddy just gets so irritated n angry with me, often punishing me out of anger for things that aren’t even rules and it makes me feel terrible. I don’t anger him on purpose, it just seems to happen. I don’t know what to do.
By Thomas Oldenough | July 1, 2019 | Comments Off on Is there a gender-neutral term for a dom? I see dom as more masculine and domme as more feminine, but Caretaker doesn’t fit my role.
“Dom” is not a gendered word. Know what you call a female (or other) Dom? “A Dom.”
Anyone out there saying we should call Submissive men “Su-bro-ssives?” No? Then there’s already a perfect gender-neutral term for Doms: Dom.
Distinguishing women who are Doms with gendered terms like “Domme” or (dear god!) “dominatrix” is about as classy as shitting in an outhouse or dying of cholera. We don’t say “electricianne” and we don’t say “pilotess” and I’m pretty sure even Jordan fucking Peterson would laugh in your face if you called Megan Rapinoe an “athletrix.”
So what the fuck is wrong with calling a woman a Dom again?
In reality, forget images of submissives on their knees, whipmarks and palm prints, mouths engaged in pleasure giving, bodies restrained, eyes blindfolded, wrists cuffed, clothes shredded, bodies exposed…these are images for your visual entertainment, to simply, often briefly, arouse your mind (and body) or address your physical needs or kinks. BDSM in all its forms and combinations commonly boils down to the image above.
Yes, there are those that simply enjoy the physical rewards of such engagements and there is nothing wrong with that, but I wager there are many more people who acknowledge the meaning within this photo.
Oh hell yeah this!
I’d add it’s even more relevant to D/Lg, DD/Lg, Cg/L and other age-related kink’s because turns of the Earth around Sun say even the strongest, smartest, most domineering and supportive top will grow old for real. And however much authority they keep we all eventually grow frail.
And so it’s important to get that no matter how you play you can never forget you’re partners. And you need each other. Not just in health but in sickness.
By Thomas Oldenough | February 27, 2019 | Comments Off on After you got in the D/s world, have you ever missed being in a vanilla relationship?
Awesome answer! Just wonderful. Because, yeah, contrary to the bushwa you see on “BDSM” porn sites like Kink.com or similar XXXTremeMeatGrinder and HottieRunOverByHisCar sites, much of the time the things D/S, D/Lg, M/S, etc., people do together are perfectly vanilla. Even blood-play kinks often involve the top in their bathrobe helping the bottom in their sweatpants put peroxide and Bactine on their welts the next couple of days. That’s just how human beings are in relationships. And maybe 95% of real kink relationships are long-term domestic relationships.
I think one thing for people who have never been down the full path of D/s (i.e. collaring, ownership, journaling, tasking, structure, guidance, and of course D/s play or BDSM) —I think people who have not done that may assume that these two types of relationships are drastically different.
In some ways they are but in many ways, they are not — you still struggle and disagree and have passion and lust and love. But for those who D/s feels right, I find those things mentioned above escalate the experience and feelings, at least for me.
So did I miss vanilla when I had D/s? No – it was always there all along. What is vanilla but just a D/s relationship without D/s for a while. So some days it’s just talking about work and life, and that’s pretty vanilla. Then there are some days when it’s a lot of D/s and what I found is on those days, we were always the closest.
Whether it be play or tasks or guidance, it just brings you together more.
Hope that answers your question.
-TRD
[The] full path of D/s (i.e. collaring, ownership, journaling, tasking, structure, guidance…
See, that right there is why I say I’m a Daddy and not a Dom. Collars are fun for pet play, and for light bondage. But that whole capital-C Collaring thing (like getting married) or journaling? And anything with a name like “tasking?” Just… yeah, I could go through the motions with a Sub but my heart was never in it. so I thought I was just a really shitty Dom. Turns out I’m a pretty good non-Dom Daddy though.
