Submission is it’s own, independent kink and therefore Submissives actively seek what they want. What outsiders don’t get about bottoms in kink is that what they want may or may not be more deep or intense than what their tops want.
For better or worse (mostly worse) our notions of D/S, D/Lg, S&M, and other power-exchange kinks in BDSM are bound up with our notions about traditional/historical gender: men are ravening horndogs, women are demure, innocent angels. Men are violent and prone to abuse, women are dependent and often victimized.
It’s so baked into the dominant paradigm that we automatically assign things women do to facilitate their sexuality (things like kneeling, raising their bottoms when face down, parting their legs, enjoying ass impact, receiving penetration) with cultural gestures of subordination, subjugation, and degradation.
(Aside: next time someone tells you we don’t need feminism or LGBT activism ask yourself why “cocksucker” is still commonly hurled and received as a “fighting words” insult. But I digress…)
While kink is certainly subject to its own gender problems (in the 21st Century why the fuck does anyone use “Domme” or, bleah, “dominatrix” for Doms that happen to be women?) it’s just not the case that Dominance or Submission kinks are intrinsically gendered. Nor is it the case that all Dominants are all-knowing and all demanding and that Submission is a passive kink or that Submissives have no interests or agenda of their own.
I was already a top when I was too young to understand what sex was. When I say I’m not a capital-D Dom, or a non-Dom Daddy I don’t mean I’m not physically dominant during sex. (Heh, no.) I can be a very enthusiastic Sadist with a partner who’s a cheerful Masochist. I don’t happen to have that common urge to push people’s boundaries or limits – never thought “oh boy, I bet my partner would really hate it if I tried doing XYZ, so I want to do XYZ to them.”
But!
But as a result I’ve had a number of Submissive, Little, and Masochistic partners hint or outright ask for more. And oh boy is that an awesome feeling!
But I’ve also had quite a few partners who’s pushed for more than I’m comfortable with. At least initially. And some who’ve asked for or even demanded things that are simply hard limits for me.
Early on, when I was still thoroughly indoctrinated to the notion that Doms initiate and Subs merely receive, I pushed myself past my hard limits. Or struggled to get ahead of my submissive or masochistic partner’s ardent desire for humiliation, pain, or exhibitionism. It simply didn’t occur to me that I was automatically in charge by virtue of my sex (male) or role (Dominant/Daddy/Sadist) and so it never occurred to me that I could say no!
Fortunately that rarely happens, and even better, once I got over the stupid conceit that as a top, and as a man, my needs and kinks always exceeded those of my women partners in kink, I’ve been able to respect and accommodate not only my partner’s limits and boundaries but my own.
But also consequently I’m no longer surprised to find a partner waiting for me, already soaking wet, on her knees with a belt in her mouth. Did I expect it? No. Did I initiate it? No, Submission is its own kink and so it’s not surprising when Submissives initiate. Do I know what to do? Oh yeah, Daddy knows exactly what to do with a naughty puppy with a belt in her mouth, doesn’t he, cinnamonstick?
By Thomas Oldenough | September 19, 2019 | Comments Off on I’ve read some of your asks involving collaring and still don’t feel like I have a good grasp on what it actually means. Can you explain collaring more?
Well, I wanted to take my time with this one even though I got about 15 asks.
Collaring is a sign of ownership in a D/s relationship, but there are several types of collars in D/s, from play collars to training collars to discreet day collars and more. But the reference I tend to mention often is the idea of a collar as a symbol of the relationship itself, not play per se.
Now for people new to BDSM, you should know that collaring or being a collared sub is a huge deal. Some people have full-blown ceremonies like weddings and some people see a collar as greater than or on par with a wedding band. Not everyone does, obviously, but some people like myself tend to see it as a major commitment.
It signifies in some ways something different than a wedding band because, in order to get to the place of wanting to give a collar or accept a collar, it should mean you have exposed an emotional side that is the most open and vulnerable you get, and unfortunately, not all marriages ever have that, as we all know.
In comparison to a marriage, in some ways, it is purer. Nobody in your real life has to even know you are collared so there is no peer pressure element from your parents or element to do it because it was expected because you got pregnant or you are aging or the multitude of reasons people get married.
The reality is that even in the best marriages, most people get married because there is at least a small factor somewhere that “they are expected to”, but nobody “expects you to” get collared because almost nobody even knows you even did.
So being collared is just a very personal, emotion-only, loving and amazing act between two people who have melted into each other.
It’s just a very beautiful commitment.
As a collared sub, the idea is you never take it off, ever. At least, in my belief. It is meant to be lifelong at the time it is put on, in most people’s cases.
Now a lot of people think being collared means “wearing an actual collar” around your neck, but it usually is a discreet day collar, which could be a necklace, anklet, or bracelet and it could be very very simple, like a little black slipknot bracelet or a simple necklace like the one above. Some people even get a tattoo to mark themselves permanently.
In D/s, people – all people – have a tendency to “do stuff” without thinking it through a lot. It’s common and it’s normal. D/s and BDSM is a hot and sexy, visceral passionate way to embrace certain sides of yourself. As a Dom or sub, it’s just fun to have rough sex or fun to do Tasks.
But collaring is different in one key way from all other D/s acts.
Collaring is the one thing – the singular thing – that is rational and well-thought-out, in a world of emotion-driven actions. Collaring is the pinnacle. Collaring is as deep as the rabbit hole goes.
So to disrespect the collared relationship is pretty bad because you are effectively voiding out what that person gave to you, as the sub or Dom. Now everybody fucks up, which is normal. It’s not like you can’t fuck up if being a Dom with a collared sub or being a collared sub. By the way – when she wears a collar, the Dom does too in spirit, so it goes both ways. It’s not like she has to be a saint and he can be a douche. It’s both of them – bonded – in a very special way.
This is a lot of how Daddy and I see collaring too.
Collaring is significant. It is meaningful. It is a goal, a gift, a commitment and a responsibility. We aren’t even into play collars because of how important we find it as a symbol, so we prefer a belt or rope, (or something similar) for play.
See, we are still navigating what D/s and full spectrum power exchange mean to us. We are committed, in love and married, but he won’t collar me, and I won’t accept a collar from him until we both commit to this life.
To us a collar is more than just a symbol our commitment to kink and each other, it is about our commitment to this dynamic, and ownership of our roles within it.
It took us four years to decide to commit to marriage, and afterwards we joked about how it was “leveling up.” When we discovered D/s and it opened this new path for us, we said it was like finishing the game and starting the next one.
This new game called Full Spectrum is our continued discovery of our life together. It is about growing even more open and vulnerable and connected. It is about the discovery of more parts of ourselves and our relationship.
What does dominance mean to Daddy? How does my submission make me, me? What are my needs, his needs, his wants, my wants? How will we live our dynamic in public, in private, with kids, with our families? What does this commitment to power exchange mean to us individually and together? Do we choose this, is this who we are, and what does that mean?
We have only been officially D/s for less than a year, and I am not in a hurry to be collared. I think it takes time to discover the answers to those questions, time for our commitment, ownership, and connection to grow within a new dynamic, even if it already had deep roots.
Collaring is significant to us because it is about who we are individually, to each other and what we become together. There are still a lot of levels to explore before we reach what a complete commitment not just to us, but to our dynamic and this way of life means.
When we reach that point, when we know what this means to us, then we will take that step. He will give my collar, and by putting it on, I will give him his.
We will continue down this rabbit hole and face the jabberwocky together, committed warriors within our relationship, connected by what the collar means. The pinnacle of our commitment, our connection, our responsibility.
That is what we see as collaring.
So this is pretty important for two great reasons.
“Collaring” is the D/S or M/S equivalent of marriage
“Putting on a collar” is just regular old bondage or pet play
Both of these are legitimate things kinky people can do… but if you don’t realize collars can have radically different significance you can end up with a lot of misunderstanding, frustration, even alarm or anger.
If you’re new to kink, don’t be surprised if you get more of a response when you say “collar” than you expected. And if you’ve been in the community for years be generous to newcomers who might not understand the significance.
Comments Off on I’ve read some of your asks involving collaring and still don’t feel like I have a good grasp on what it actually means. Can you explain collaring more?
An older, experienced top understands there’s more than one use for a belt. Not everyone who want to feel dominated enjoys pain, do they? No, they don’t. And neither do you, puppy.
