By Thomas Oldenough | September 19, 2019 | Comments Off on I’ve read some of your asks involving collaring and still don’t feel like I have a good grasp on what it actually means. Can you explain collaring more?
Well, I wanted to take my time with this one even though I got about 15 asks.
Collaring is a sign of ownership in a D/s relationship, but there are several types of collars in D/s, from play collars to training collars to discreet day collars and more. But the reference I tend to mention often is the idea of a collar as a symbol of the relationship itself, not play per se.
Now for people new to BDSM, you should know that collaring or being a collared sub is a huge deal. Some people have full-blown ceremonies like weddings and some people see a collar as greater than or on par with a wedding band. Not everyone does, obviously, but some people like myself tend to see it as a major commitment.
It signifies in some ways something different than a wedding band because, in order to get to the place of wanting to give a collar or accept a collar, it should mean you have exposed an emotional side that is the most open and vulnerable you get, and unfortunately, not all marriages ever have that, as we all know.
In comparison to a marriage, in some ways, it is purer. Nobody in your real life has to even know you are collared so there is no peer pressure element from your parents or element to do it because it was expected because you got pregnant or you are aging or the multitude of reasons people get married.
The reality is that even in the best marriages, most people get married because there is at least a small factor somewhere that “they are expected to”, but nobody “expects you to” get collared because almost nobody even knows you even did.
So being collared is just a very personal, emotion-only, loving and amazing act between two people who have melted into each other.
It’s just a very beautiful commitment.
As a collared sub, the idea is you never take it off, ever. At least, in my belief. It is meant to be lifelong at the time it is put on, in most people’s cases.
Now a lot of people think being collared means “wearing an actual collar” around your neck, but it usually is a discreet day collar, which could be a necklace, anklet, or bracelet and it could be very very simple, like a little black slipknot bracelet or a simple necklace like the one above. Some people even get a tattoo to mark themselves permanently.
In D/s, people – all people – have a tendency to “do stuff” without thinking it through a lot. It’s common and it’s normal. D/s and BDSM is a hot and sexy, visceral passionate way to embrace certain sides of yourself. As a Dom or sub, it’s just fun to have rough sex or fun to do Tasks.
But collaring is different in one key way from all other D/s acts.
Collaring is the one thing – the singular thing – that is rational and well-thought-out, in a world of emotion-driven actions. Collaring is the pinnacle. Collaring is as deep as the rabbit hole goes.
So to disrespect the collared relationship is pretty bad because you are effectively voiding out what that person gave to you, as the sub or Dom. Now everybody fucks up, which is normal. It’s not like you can’t fuck up if being a Dom with a collared sub or being a collared sub. By the way – when she wears a collar, the Dom does too in spirit, so it goes both ways. It’s not like she has to be a saint and he can be a douche. It’s both of them – bonded – in a very special way.
This is a lot of how Daddy and I see collaring too.
Collaring is significant. It is meaningful. It is a goal, a gift, a commitment and a responsibility. We aren’t even into play collars because of how important we find it as a symbol, so we prefer a belt or rope, (or something similar) for play.
See, we are still navigating what D/s and full spectrum power exchange mean to us. We are committed, in love and married, but he won’t collar me, and I won’t accept a collar from him until we both commit to this life.
To us a collar is more than just a symbol our commitment to kink and each other, it is about our commitment to this dynamic, and ownership of our roles within it.
It took us four years to decide to commit to marriage, and afterwards we joked about how it was “leveling up.” When we discovered D/s and it opened this new path for us, we said it was like finishing the game and starting the next one.
This new game called Full Spectrum is our continued discovery of our life together. It is about growing even more open and vulnerable and connected. It is about the discovery of more parts of ourselves and our relationship.
What does dominance mean to Daddy? How does my submission make me, me? What are my needs, his needs, his wants, my wants? How will we live our dynamic in public, in private, with kids, with our families? What does this commitment to power exchange mean to us individually and together? Do we choose this, is this who we are, and what does that mean?
We have only been officially D/s for less than a year, and I am not in a hurry to be collared. I think it takes time to discover the answers to those questions, time for our commitment, ownership, and connection to grow within a new dynamic, even if it already had deep roots.
Collaring is significant to us because it is about who we are individually, to each other and what we become together. There are still a lot of levels to explore before we reach what a complete commitment not just to us, but to our dynamic and this way of life means.
When we reach that point, when we know what this means to us, then we will take that step. He will give my collar, and by putting it on, I will give him his.
We will continue down this rabbit hole and face the jabberwocky together, committed warriors within our relationship, connected by what the collar means. The pinnacle of our commitment, our connection, our responsibility.
That is what we see as collaring.
So this is pretty important for two great reasons.
“Collaring” is the D/S or M/S equivalent of marriage
“Putting on a collar” is just regular old bondage or pet play
Both of these are legitimate things kinky people can do… but if you don’t realize collars can have radically different significance you can end up with a lot of misunderstanding, frustration, even alarm or anger.
If you’re new to kink, don’t be surprised if you get more of a response when you say “collar” than you expected. And if you’ve been in the community for years be generous to newcomers who might not understand the significance.
Comments Off on I’ve read some of your asks involving collaring and still don’t feel like I have a good grasp on what it actually means. Can you explain collaring more?
By Thomas Oldenough | January 1, 2019 | Comments Off on At our last munch i was asked not to bring my little sub anymore shes badly trained and not welcome Neither of us know what she did wrong but ive been strict on her ever since and every want she has is denied. I’m frustrated embarrassed with her and upset with myself for bringing her out when she wasn’t ready Yesterday she was crying in a corner when I got home she tried to hide it She was sick couldn’t do her chores and thought I would release her I feel horrible I’ve made her like this
OK, first and foremost: fuck those people. Narrow minded, judgmental motherfuckers. Your girl is your girl. She is yours. She is your priority. Going all strict and Domly™ on her ass is not helpful, so fucking stop it. Be with her, cherish her, and get your priorities straight. She is your priority!
Local bdsm “communities” can be and usually are EXTREMELY cliquey! They are frequently not promoting community which is usually their stated purpose. Often the leaders are the worst. I have seen people ostrosized from our local group for no apparent reason. Hell I have come under criticism by people who don’t know me and have not earned my respect, just for being a little different than their concept of a Dom! (Of course none has lived in this lifestyle 24/7/365 for 30+ years as I have. But I digress!)
Deserved or not others have well and thoroughly deconstructed the anonymous Dom. I’m more curious about the folks at the munch and the Sub’s behavior.
Some communities really are stick-in-the-ass in-groups. They should call themselves exclusive cliques instead of communities.
Some Doms really are clumsy and not really in control of themselves or their Submissive partners. They probably shouldn’t call themselves Doms.
Some Subs really are out-of-control assholes who probably shouldn’t call themselves Subs.
The issue could be any one or any combination of the above.
But also…
Most munches really are social gatherings, often in public places with public faces. They’re not for roleplaying, sexuality, single-partner focus, or showing off. They’re rarely for taking selfies. They may not be for asking or using “scene” names, or, alternatively, for using real names. They’re almost never for hooking up of any kind. The anon didn’t specify what they or their sub did, or whether it was a specific in-clique “transgression” or just a possibly-newbie misunderstanding of appropriate public behavior for a social, non-sexual event.
When you go to a munch, and especially when you bring a guest to one, it’s a very good idea to check the guidelines. This is pretty easy because guidelines are almost always right there in the announcement. It’s also obviously a very good idea to explain thoroughly and clearly to a guest what those guidelines are.
It’s not always the case that group members will think it’s necessary to explain why someone won’t be allowed back. It could be because they’re assholes, but it can also be because it seems obvious to them (cough*published guidelines*cough.) In my opinion only it’s still pretty bad form not to explain though. Particularly in this case where the anon has done a universal crackdown on their Sub rather than addressing their specific transgression.
TBH my guess is that unless the anon was also brand new to the munch they probably have a pretty good idea what the issue was. And unless they really don’t know anyone else there they might want to make a quite and very polite request for confirmation or clarification. And finally, they might also want to make contact to apologize for bringing that particular guest, even if they don’t plan to go back either, because everybody’s reputation is on the line. Theirs, their Subs, and the groups.
Again, if it’s group-specific then closing the iron door on the group seems like a good choice. If it’s the Sub’s behavior it would be good to know whether they could be trusted to behave as a guest at, oh, say, a work or family function.
Comments Off on At our last munch i was asked not to bring my little sub anymore shes badly trained and not welcome Neither of us know what she did wrong but ive been strict on her ever since and every want she has is denied. I’m frustrated embarrassed with her and upset with myself for bringing her out when she wasn’t ready Yesterday she was crying in a corner when I got home she tried to hide it She was sick couldn’t do her chores and thought I would release her I feel horrible I’ve made her like this
By Thomas Oldenough | November 15, 2018 | Comments Off on Help!! My sweet boy has recently found himself in a wheelchair due to an eletrical accident and has trouble getting alot sensation below the waist now, I need help. with finding high sensation ways to play.Please reblog to any dommes that may be able to help
Holy shit, I hope they’re okay and feeling well. I’m not well informed about this kind of thing so if there are any kinksters out there who can help, this domme and I would appreciate it a lot ????
Um… if someone’s “recently found themselves in a wheelchair” then they and/or you should talk to their caregivers. If the ask is for real I’m surprised they didn’t bring it up with him!
One possibility is that his injury was really recent, in which case he may still be undergoing rehabilitative care. In that case it’s likely he’s still in the rehab protocol and they just haven’t brought it up yet.
All nerve damage takes time to work itself out – there’s an extraordinary amount of “rerouting” that goes on, not to mention the actual process of healing tissue. If he was really injured recently then it’s even more important to check with his caregivers!
Meanwhile, though, you think he’s the first man in this situation? Think he’s the first one who’s partner’s freaked out about their future sex life together? Think doctors, physical therapists, occupational therapists, not to mention other paraplegics and their partners haven’t put a lot of thought into this?
Google “sex for paraplegics” and you’ll find tons of good stuff from all kinds of sources.
If the patient is a Sub or Masochist that’s great, but Dom or no Dom, Sadist or no Sadist, the first step is to get their plumbing working at all again. Then start working kink back into things. And obviously check closely and repeatedly with their caregivers before getting up to anything involving impact play, wax, and (yeah, just don’t) Violet Wands, etc.
Oh, and finally, since he’s almost certainly going to need continuing care from physical therapists and the like, he’s going to need to be extremely and repeatedly clear to his caregivers that he’s a consensual sexual masochist. Otherwise any bruising or damage caregivers see is going to get mandatory-reporting protocoled allll over the place.
Comments Off on Help!! My sweet boy has recently found himself in a wheelchair due to an eletrical accident and has trouble getting alot sensation below the waist now, I need help. with finding high sensation ways to play.Please reblog to any dommes that may be able to help
Making friends on tumblr is weird. It’s like “Hi, I don’t know where you’re from but I know your kinks and exactly how depressed you were last Tuesday.”
“I don’t know your name but I know how many dicks you’ve sucked and seen your asshole, you said you were feeling sad so I wanted to check in on you”
Yeah, but that’s still what it’s all about. Doesn’t matter what you post, there are people behind personal blogs. Even the naughty ones. Maybe especially the naughty ones, because we can say things here we can’t tell our friends!
By Thomas Oldenough | September 4, 2018 | Comments Off on Me and my Daddy switch between Daddy and Brat and Master and Slave. This causes us alot of problems in our local BDSM community because people think we don’t have a solid power exchange role. I’m not a little but I am a brat, a service submissive, and in general I am the sub in our relationship ALWAYS. Daddy is always my Dom and I guess my question is, what do you think about this comment? I don’t see how were any lesser because we switch up our dynamic. I am a sub 24/7 in one way or another!
Seems pretty closed minded to me. There are lot of people who vary their role within D/s. Not everyone does it the same way and that’s okay. :)
Evie
Wait. What? Maybe they’re all the kind of people who only play one kind of cards, like bridge snobs or 5-card-draw poker players who think people who play anything else is doon-it rong?
I dunno. Maybe they’re the kind of folks who get anxious around real bisexuals because they feel everyone should be gay or straight?
More likely there’s some sort of behind the scenes clique snit going on in the community and you’re not fitting into one “team” or another.
Regardless, their discomfort isn’t your responsibility.
More sadly, that kind of “welcome” has a lot to do with why most people in kink don’t join “communities.” There’s so much to be said about good communities but they’re not all good.
Comments Off on Me and my Daddy switch between Daddy and Brat and Master and Slave. This causes us alot of problems in our local BDSM community because people think we don’t have a solid power exchange role. I’m not a little but I am a brat, a service submissive, and in general I am the sub in our relationship ALWAYS. Daddy is always my Dom and I guess my question is, what do you think about this comment? I don’t see how were any lesser because we switch up our dynamic. I am a sub 24/7 in one way or another!
There are memes all over Facebook and Twitter, in people’s vanilla and family accounts, with quotes like, “Slap my ass, pull my hair, and buy me tacos.”
Maledom BDSM is officially mainstream. But Femdom is still kept so deep in the closet, it might as well be fucking Narnia.
And why?
Because misogyny, toxic masculinity and internalized misandry, that’s why.
Because a woman’s only acceptable role is submissive to a man. The only acceptable sexuality she can embrace is one of submission.
Because a man who submits is less of a man. A man who loves having his hair pulled, or being spanked, or being pegged, is inferior than a man who dominates a woman.
Fuck that.
We need to stop hiding this shit. Stop hiding who we are. Because things will never get better until we *make* them better.
We can’t wait for a series of poorly-written books to normalize who we are. We have to do it ourselves.
Tell people who you are. If you’re a woman, tell people you’re a Dominant. I, personally, will never attempt a romantic relationship with anyone who isn’t submissive ever again, so when people hit on me, I tell them that.
If you’re a man, tell people you like being spanked. Share those memes on your vanilla and family feeds. Don’t let the fear of other people’s opinions stop you. You’re not planning on sleeping with or marrying those people anyway, and the people who DO want to sleep with or marry you will have a much easier time finding you if you’re open about it.
50 Shades shoved Maledom down people’s throats so hard, it drowned out the psychos who insist that it’s unnatural, or abusive. The public was forced to accept it.
We don’t have books to give us that. And we may never have books to give us that. We need to do it ourselves.
We need to shove it down people’s throats until it becomes just as mainstream as Maledom. Until we can stop this sexist idea that women’s only acceptable role is to serve men, and men’s only acceptable role is to dominate women.
Tell everyone. If they get annoyed because you talk about it so much, that means you’re doing it right.
We have to talk about it until it becomes normal. We have to force people to accept it the way they were forced to accept Maledom.
We’re better than the sexist bullshit that keeps us afraid. We’re stronger than the people who will try to cut us down because we don’t fit in their little boxes.
It’s time to normalize Femdom. It’s time to stop catering to sexist people, with sexist ideas of who we should be.
Preach.
Normalize femdom and the existence of submissive males. ❤❤❤
I love this so much.
I’ve never really hidden from my family and friends but do have a tendency to hide from those I don’t trust because female dominance is seen as subversive even if it comes with no sexual kinks.
^^^^^^
The only thing I’d add is if we really want to normalize it we’ll stop calling it goddamn “femdom!”
Because you know what another word is for a woman who’s a Dom? A Dom!
This isn’t the goddamn 19th or 20th Century, you know. We no longer say “doctoress,” “conductoress,” “authoress,” do we? And nobody’s ever said “femsadist” or “furryess” or “sex-toy makeress.” So what possible valid reason could there be for calling a woman who’s a Dom a “femdom?”
You know what they call Judge Judy? They don’t call her a “femjudge,” do they? No, they call her “your honor!”
Or as those of us who are into kink instead of just consuming it would say: actual D/S where a woman happens to be the Dominant vs sex workers and porn stars hired to cater to certain wealthy men’s highly stylized interest in “exotic” stunt sex.
