Posts Tagged ‘d/s lifestyle’

Awesome!  If I can just throw one more lesson out for general consumption it would be to clarify that D/S isn’t the blanket kink under which all other kinks are some kind of subset.  

For instance, D/Lg is often defined as “a subset of D/S.”  And D/S is often defined as including punishment and administration of pain.  It’s also generally assumed that, for instance, if someone is a Little they’re also a Sub, or if someone’s a Dom they’re also a Sadist.  

It’s also so universally assumed that Doms are men that people feel obliged to make up bullshit diminutives like “domme” or “dominatrix” for Doms who are women, and correspondingly one of the most common adjectives for a man who’s a Sub is “sissy!”  But I digress…

I’ve mentioned elsewhere that in a pure, idealized D/S relationship you’d expect to see exactly zero transgression, pain, or punishment.  An ideal Dom and Sub would be in perfect agreement with clearly stated structures, rules, and goals.  A perfect Dom would never consider enacting an unachievable rule nor would a perfect Sub ever consider falling short of 100% compliance!  A clarifying word from the Dom would be all that was ever needed to make any change or correct any mistake.

I’m tempted to say no such D/S relationships exist but in fact they probably do by the tens of thousands.  We just never hear about them precisely because they’re extraordinarily dull and outwardly vanilla.

But in general, only clinical fetishists manifest “pure” kinks.  So of course it’s often the case that D/S relationships include elements of bondage, discipline, and S&M.  Same with any other kink or non-psychiatric fetish.  Sadists and Masochists may use “weekend” or “bedroom” D/S as excuses for spankings.  B&D fans might use pet play as an excuse for collars and leashes and cages.

And in my case as both a “soft” non-Dom Daddy and a cheerful Sadist my kinks don’t really overlap at all, except possibly as a “game time” or roleplaying activity, as in a Little coming over with a bag of clothes pins and saying “Daddy, look what I found!”

I mention all this not to diminish D/S but to defend it!  One of the common themes among D/S types – sometimes called “24/7″ or “lifestyle” D/S – is partners who present themselves as “real Doms” or “Submissives” but only during sex, or only on weekends, or only in the first weeks of a new relationship.  The problem being that not all tops are Doms, not by a long mile.  Neither are all bottoms capital-S Submissive.

When everybody wanders around saying to themselves “I like to spank so I must be a Dom” or “I get off on being tied up so I must be a Sub” it just causes a lot of messy confusion, disappointment, and disillusionment. 

I’d like to see less of that unhappiness in the world in general and the world of kink in particular.

Anon, I don’t doubt for a moment that when you said “I am still somewhat new to D/s. And only found out over the last couple of month, that I do like a certain type of pain” you mean you’ve discovered you’re an authentic D/S Sub who also likes a certain type of pain.  (Call it a major in Submission with a minor in Masochism.)  There’s no reason on earth I might believe otherwise!

So instead of saying “but” I want to thank you for giving me an opportunity to clarify that not everyone else in kink “majors” in D/S.  Nor does casual vocabulary in kink make it very easy to distinguish the difference.

Thanks again.  I’m so glad you’re discovering new things about yourself.  That makes me very happy!

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