Why do I see so many posts on how to be a Dominant Female/Woman/Goddess/Queen/Etc written by men?? Some are decent, I’ll give you that. But most?? It’s obvious they’re written as a fantasy for men because when I read them all I can think is:
This!
Yeah, it’s kind of an enormous mistake to imagine that men and women are going to dominate their Subs the same ways.
Years ago I went to a kink club that was so above board they were recognized as a city community center! It was awesome because there were all kinds of kinksters there from classes for new beginners, age-limited under-30 events, specialty meetups for some pretty esoteric kinks, and also a little coffee/cafe area where senior-citizen kinksters hung out sometimes and just yakked with each other. Oh, and they had a genuinely interesting library with both delirious porn and serious academic journals. No, I wasn’t a member and didn’t do kinky things there, but of course I had to check it out. Cool place. But anyway…
One of the coolest things I saw at one of the weekend events I went to was a Dom who’d bound her much larger, very “manly” partner naked to a real-live St. Andrews cross and was whipping the owl shit out of his back, ass, and legs.
Once she was happy she knelt down in front of him, still bound and drenched with sweat and shaking from his beating and sucked his cock.
But wait, you say, she knelt down? And sucked his cock? How, one might ask, does that sound Dominant? First of all, ahahaha, his cries, incidentally, came from even deeper inside of him than had his cries from his whipping. (I obviously can’t know for sure how she felt about it but those are exactly the kind of sounds I wait to hear when I’ve been topping you, inchworm!)
But also, how the fuck else was she going to continue tearing him apart? His dick’s down there. Her head’s up here. How else was she going to put the two together?
I really didn’t see much of what was going on – it was in a public space but over on one side of the room and I’d been hanging out yakking with some of the other non-participants.
But it wouldn’t be too surprising if, once she was done edging and tormenting him, if she unbound him and… bent over and made him fuck her from behind. Because… what… you think a woman’s anatomy’s going to change just because she’s a Dom? Rear entry feels good! That whole “rear-entry isn’t as intimate” thing goes both ways and so entering one’s partner from the rear can be just as humiliating and anonymous to a man.
You get my point though? We have this mistaken idea that the things women do just to make sex work – to line up the right parts or to get the stimulation that works for them – is intrinsically “submissive.” When really it’s just… practical!
Now. Is the way that one couple was doing things how “all real” women Doms top their partners? Ahaha, how the hell would I know?!?!? Which is sort of the point of @lady-reia’s post, wasn’t it?
While we’re at it let’s get over the genuinely limited notion that if a woman’s going to top a man he’s going to wind up “force feminized” or “sissified.” Sure, some do.
You think women Doms don’t also think big, strong, manly men are awesome partners? Ahahah, Submission ≠ “feminine.” Domination ≠ “masculine.”
As for teaching anyone, period, how to be a Dom, a Master, or even a Daddy? I can only talk about what I like to do and that might not work for anybody else.
Yeah, well, all I can say in response to that is when I’m on my back with my hands tied behind me, when he has one hand around the back of my neck and one hand around my waist, when my feet are hanging off the bed so I can’t get any leverage, when the most active thing I can do is clench around his cock while he is using me hard and extracting every ounce of everything i have just to pleasure himself until he collapses in a satisfied heap, spent but still with energy to kiss me deeply and look into my eyes and tell me that he hopes this was a good reminder that I’m his?
I’ll take that any day.
D/s is a mindset, not a position.
OMG, missionary is sooooo D/S! Never forget that the same Victorians who came up with pretty much all our modern tropes about BDSM are the same ones who cooked up “missionary” sex.
I mean if you’re in the middle of vanilla bed death and only do rear-entry, or only do fellatio and cunnilingus after the Colbert monologue it’s not like you’re suddenly inspired and creative, right? So it’s not the position that’s the problem, right?
Meanwhile the goddamn “missionaries” invented the position specifically for orgasm denial!
Meanwhile what, exactly, could be less dominating than a 220 pound man pinning his 110 or 160 or 180 pound partner under him, his legs keeping her from being able to close her knees, his weight on her body, his cock finding its way inside her and driving her relentlessly into the mattress while she desperately tries to grind her clit up against him for a little contact… while she hears his animal breathing against her neck and shoulders and in his hoarse breath and low curses whispering in her ear as he uses her body like a rag doll?
For instance. 🤷♂️
Just saying that if you’re bored you’re probably boring.
Also, not to put too fine a point on it but do you actually even know what vanilla is?
It’s an orchid! An epiphyte! It’s native to gorgeous tropical islands. There’s an obvious reason why Georgia O’Keefe painted one. Its flavor enhances everything from chocolate to bourbon to bacon to creme brulee! If you use it right it tastes goddamn wonderful!
I really wanted a spanking last night. I needed that release. I needed to be pushed until the walls broke down and the tears came pouring out.
But as much as I wanted it, I knew it wasn’t possible. Mini-me has been having trouble falling asleep lately and sound travels in our house.
@sous-sir could tell I wasn’t able to settle and wouldn’t be able to sleep. So instead of curling up on the couch to watch a show like we usually do, he sat with me and asked about all the things that were weighing on my mind. It was less than five minutes before the tears were flowing. We talked for a long time. He listened, comforted, made me laugh… then he tucked me in and held me while I fell asleep.
I might not have been the release I thought I wanted, but it was the release I needed.
This is D/s too 💜
This is soooo D/S too! Release is release, isn’t it? Spanking and other stereotypical/Tumblr D/S things are just ways to get there, not the “there” you you want to get. Like, they’re means not ends. Fun means, sure, but still not the intended final result.
I really wanted a spanking last night. I needed that release. I needed to be pushed until the walls broke down and the tears came pouring out.
But as much as I wanted it, I knew it wasn’t possible. Mini-me has been having trouble falling asleep lately and sound travels in our house.
@sous-sir could tell I wasn’t able to settle and wouldn’t be able to sleep. So instead of curling up on the couch to watch a show like we usually do, he sat with me and asked about all the things that were weighing on my mind. It was less than five minutes before the tears were flowing. We talked for a long time. He listened, comforted, made me laugh… then he tucked me in and held me while I fell asleep.
I might not have been the release I thought I wanted, but it was the release I needed.
This is D/s too 💜
This is soooo D/S too! Release is release, isn’t it? Spanking and other stereotypical/Tumblr D/S things are just ways to get there, not the “there” you you want to get. Like, they’re means not ends. Fun means, sure, but still not the intended final result.
By Thomas Oldenough | July 9, 2019 | Comments Off on I used my safeword and he didn’t stop immediately ~sorry if i used the wrong word~ becaouse he was too close. I’m okay but I’m a little scared to sleep with him again if something like this happen again. Anr yes he apologise for doing it but he didn’t thibk too much about it becouse was enjoying the moment.
He has demonstrated that he lacks the all-important self-control and focus on his submissive that all Dominants must have. He also demonstrated he is selfish. I think we both know what has to happen here, but in case there’s any ambiguity, I’ll spell it out: he is dangerous. Run.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “TOO CLOSE” TO STOP A BEHAVIOR!!
THERE IS NEVER A REASON FOR EVEN ONE SECOND MORE AFTER A SAFEWORD.
Exactly. Reaction should be immediate and instinctive.
~safeword is uttered~
“Oh shit.” Immediate cessation of all activity.
“Talk to me, baby” as you get them out of any physical restraints etc they might be in.
Roll back the covers and get them under covers tout de suite.
Listen as they talk, while handing them a bottle of water and their favorite aftercare snack. And when I say listen, I mean fucking listen. And learn. Because if you took them to the point of having to safeword, you fucked up, champ. What your sub tells you is a learnable moment, so learn.
No such thing as too close. Ever.
You want to know what’s even harder than stopping when you’re “too close?” Stopping a sneeze to avoid running down a pedestrian while you’re driving. And yet for some reason pretty much anyone with a brain and a heartbeat can pull that off.
So, yeah, “I was too close” is a decision.
A safeword means stop. It’s not a word you use inside of kink, it’s the fire exit. It means “step outside.” It means stop fucking around and stop fucking around.
More to the point, a safeword means “is this particular orgasm really so goddamned important that you’ll forgo all future sex with this person… and with anyone else I tell?”
You wouldn’t lend your car again to someone who kept driving when the red check-engine light went on, right. Don’t get back in bed with someone who (with or without a safeword) kept going when you said stop.
Comments Off on I used my safeword and he didn’t stop immediately ~sorry if i used the wrong word~ becaouse he was too close. I’m okay but I’m a little scared to sleep with him again if something like this happen again. Anr yes he apologise for doing it but he didn’t thibk too much about it becouse was enjoying the moment.
By Thomas Oldenough | July 8, 2019 | Comments Off on What’s your argument for why safe words are dangerous? I’m curious
Excellent question!!!! I started to answer it in my post but felt it was a way-off topic digression.
I said I there are good arguments to be made against using safewords, and if you Google around the responsible BDSM blogosphere you’ll find peopel who’ll do a better job than I could. So while I’m going to make certain cases for not using them I’m going to include cases where they’re a very good idea as well. Because BDSM is only four letters but it’s an alphabet of a whole universe of possible ways of doing things.
First point though: I’ve often said here, in all sincerity, that “what the fuck, asshole” is a universal safeword. So I’m not even a little bit saying “no safeword” is the same as “no limits!” Not a little bit. Not at all!
Second point: Safewords between a very experienced top and bottom are also a very good idea, especially when there’s an agreement to take the Sub very deep into Subspace, especially when extreme pain, degradation, etc. is used to get them there. Because once people get really deep they can become nearly non-verbal and need a clear way to get out… when it occurs to them that maybe they’re in trouble.
Which brings us to the third point: If the Sub is really going that deep the top has to be goddamn vigilant anyway, because Subs below a certain level of consciousness a Sub be sort of up for anything and it’s the top’s job to make sure they’re not too far gone even if the Sub doesn’t think so (or isn’t thinking at all.)
Luckily most kinksters don’t take it that far. But!
Point four: it’s still a fucking good idea for the top to be vigilant, checking in, monitoring, and practicing general awareness for both of them. In which case a safeword is good as a stopgap but usually the Sub can revert to a conversational tone and say “that’s not working” or “the straps are too tight” or (my favorite) “don’t… stop… now” when they’re going to come and you’re going to blow it if you don’t keep doing exactly what you’re doing.
So in the above cases it’s pretty clear that an experienced, in-control top and their partner who both understand limits and know what the boundaries are can use safewords effectively and… therefore may also not need to use them.
Points against using safewords include
Some tops are goddamn assholes and newbies who think it’s fun to push till their Sub safewords.
Some tops are goddam assholes and newbies who put the safeword into the power exchange with bullshit like “if you safeword we stop everything and you go home.” (Which is just about the biggest fucking irresponsible bullshit thing ever, as if someone who’s safeworded going to be in any condition to go anywhere… which is the whole point of safewords!)
Aside: if you’re going to have a safeword it’s something you do outside the power-exchange. You can make it as elaborate as a one-to-ten scale, or red-light yellow-light, or just “uncle!!!” But however you play it it means stop the action, step outside the scene, and do a significant, alert check in. Sometimes it can (and should!) be as minor as an itch that’s distracting the bottom from their flogging… in which case the top can give them a good scratch and let the flogging continue till morale really does improve!
Some Subs are… well… not assholes but very unwilling to “disappoint” their top by using their safeword. Or, worse, they’re afraid to. Sometimes they’re too greedy to use their safeword, in which case an inattentive top can be doing damage they don’t want to do. (Boundaries go both ways.)
Since I’ve been talking a lot about boundaries and mentoring (especially for male) tops, somewhere safewords are very helpful is when an experienced Sub or Masochist is mentoring their top. (Note: leading isn’t the same thing as Dominating. It’s perfectly possible for a Sub to manage a partner without “topping from the bottom.”) Case in point: while I’m a “soft” Daddy I’m also a cheerful Sadist on the side. I like hurting (but not harming) partners if and only if they like to be hurt. But because I’m a soft Daddy first I can be overly attentive and possibly annoying with my checkins – in my case a savvy Sub might tell me “don’t stop unless I safeword, m’kay?” We’d both be happier in that case.
Final time a safword’s a good idea: Not all tops are in control. Some Subs and Masochists get off on “riding” them – sort of like the thrill of riding a wild horse or bull, if that makes sense. In those cases it’s the Sub who needs to keep their head and they may need to be able to clearly and concisely let their partners know they need to “woah, buddy.”
So once again, there are cases that can be made for and against using safewords.
But!
In the context of my original post about Tumblr-Dom Bingo, if someone says in their blog bio or their over-the-top first DM that they don’t do safewords then… yeah… run away. Because it ought to be pretty clear that whether you use one or not it takes a whole conversation to make sure you both agree on the terms of what the safeword’s going to mean.
Thanks so much for asking that question. I hope it’s really clear from my answer that whether you use one or not at least one and preferably all parties need to take responsibility about playing out on the skinny branches.
wanna straddle a dom and grind on him all slow n sweet and kiss his neck, wanna giggle when he bucks his hips into me, want him to get handsy and grab my hips and thighs and ass, want him to groan low in my ear when he gets frustrated but still let me have my fun
Folks who don’t get D/S or D/Lg or other BDSM kinks might be surprised at such a clear Submissive’s detailed, active, engaged… and still thoroughly submissive wishlist.
But Submission is its own kink, one that fits very nicely with Domination, sure, but that exists 100% prior to and independent of any relationship with a Dom.
If you do understand D/S it makes perfect sense, of course. And, sure, it might or might not play out that way with an actual Dom, because each partner contributes something to every interaction. But a good Dom? Certainly a good Daddy? Yeah, if he knows that’s his Sub or Little’s hot, hot fantasy? He’s going to find a way to facilitate that, isn’t he?
Mmm, and not to put to fine a point on it but one of my favorite phrases as a top is “I’ve let you have your fun, princess, but now it’s Daddy’s turn, isn’t it?”
By Thomas Oldenough | July 4, 2019 | Comments Off on I just blocked a Dom cause he tried to tell me to shave and he wasn’t my Dom and my goal isn’t for someone to own me. I’m just curious about your stance on this? Him and I hadn’t discussed grooming and I wasn’t under rules or anything.
Men shouldn’t make demands of submissives if they have not yet earned their submission, unless it is play that both parties have discussed and consented in. Just because you pop in on a submissive for a few days and call yourself a Dom, doesn’t mean you are one, or get to enjoy any of the privileges that go with earning that title. You would be within your rights to do what he asked, point out that he was getting ahead of himself, or outright deciding its a bad sign and walking away.
*No one should make demands…
A slight change to the answer to make clear that women are also capable of being shitty and domineering.
What @willowgirl713 said! No one gets to make demands that are outside mutually agreed on boundaries.
As always, always, always, pull this back to the non-kink context. (Remember, kink happens on top of expectation of normal behavior, not instead of normal expectations.)
So it would be weird if this guy tried to tell you to give him your bank account info or car keys, right? Right. Even if you’d been on a couple of dates with him, right? Right!
And as the anon said, he might be a “dom” (though I’m skeptical) but he’s not her Dom. Even though it sounds like they might have been been on the Tumblr equivalent of a couple of “dates.”
No matter how Submissive or Little or Masochistic you are, just keep asking yourself what would you say if a neighbor tried to get you to do A Thing (like shaving.) What would you say if it was a barista at your local coffee shop, or a personal trainer, or a get-out-the-vote doorbeller?
The very least you’d do is block them, right! And no one would be surprised if you told them off. Point is that being a Sub doesn’t open you up to anything that being a sheetmetal worker doesn’t open you up to.
And to forestall a bunch of “yeah, but’s,” sure a cop can certainly tell you to go back another way at a blocked intersection, but she still can’t tell you to shave, right? Right.
Comments Off on I just blocked a Dom cause he tried to tell me to shave and he wasn’t my Dom and my goal isn’t for someone to own me. I’m just curious about your stance on this? Him and I hadn’t discussed grooming and I wasn’t under rules or anything.
I appreciate the ambiguity of the previous caption. It can mean very different things depending on whether you choose to interpret her as a Sub or a Dom, can’t it?
