What’s your argument for why safe words are dangerous? I’m curious
Excellent question!!!! I started to answer it in my post but felt it was a way-off topic digression.
I said I there are good arguments to be made against using safewords, and if you Google around the responsible BDSM blogosphere you’ll find peopel who’ll do a better job than I could. So while I’m going to make certain cases for not using them I’m going to include cases where they’re a very good idea as well. Because BDSM is only four letters but it’s an alphabet of a whole universe of possible ways of doing things.
First point though: I’ve often said here, in all sincerity, that “what the fuck, asshole” is a universal safeword. So I’m not even a little bit saying “no safeword” is the same as “no limits!” Not a little bit. Not at all!
Second point: Safewords between a very experienced top and bottom are also a very good idea, especially when there’s an agreement to take the Sub very deep into Subspace, especially when extreme pain, degradation, etc. is used to get them there. Because once people get really deep they can become nearly non-verbal and need a clear way to get out… when it occurs to them that maybe they’re in trouble.
Which brings us to the third point: If the Sub is really going that deep the top has to be goddamn vigilant anyway, because Subs below a certain level of consciousness a Sub be sort of up for anything and it’s the top’s job to make sure they’re not too far gone even if the Sub doesn’t think so (or isn’t thinking at all.)
Luckily most kinksters don’t take it that far. But!
Point four: it’s still a fucking good idea for the top to be vigilant, checking in, monitoring, and practicing general awareness for both of them. In which case a safeword is good as a stopgap but usually the Sub can revert to a conversational tone and say “that’s not working” or “the straps are too tight” or (my favorite) “don’t… stop… now” when they’re going to come and you’re going to blow it if you don’t keep doing exactly what you’re doing.
So in the above cases it’s pretty clear that an experienced, in-control top and their partner who both understand limits and know what the boundaries are can use safewords effectively and… therefore may also not need to use them.
Points against using safewords include
Some tops are goddamn assholes and newbies who think it’s fun to push till their Sub safewords.
Some tops are goddam assholes and newbies who put the safeword into the power exchange with bullshit like “if you safeword we stop everything and you go home.” (Which is just about the biggest fucking irresponsible bullshit thing ever, as if someone who’s safeworded going to be in any condition to go anywhere… which is the whole point of safewords!)
Aside: if you’re going to have a safeword it’s something you do outside the power-exchange. You can make it as elaborate as a one-to-ten scale, or red-light yellow-light, or just “uncle!!!” But however you play it it means stop the action, step outside the scene, and do a significant, alert check in. Sometimes it can (and should!) be as minor as an itch that’s distracting the bottom from their flogging… in which case the top can give them a good scratch and let the flogging continue till morale really does improve!
Some Subs are… well… not assholes but very unwilling to “disappoint” their top by using their safeword. Or, worse, they’re afraid to. Sometimes they’re too greedy to use their safeword, in which case an inattentive top can be doing damage they don’t want to do. (Boundaries go both ways.)
Since I’ve been talking a lot about boundaries and mentoring (especially for male) tops, somewhere safewords are very helpful is when an experienced Sub or Masochist is mentoring their top. (Note: leading isn’t the same thing as Dominating. It’s perfectly possible for a Sub to manage a partner without “topping from the bottom.”) Case in point: while I’m a “soft” Daddy I’m also a cheerful Sadist on the side. I like hurting (but not harming) partners if and only if they like to be hurt. But because I’m a soft Daddy first I can be overly attentive and possibly annoying with my checkins – in my case a savvy Sub might tell me “don’t stop unless I safeword, m’kay?” We’d both be happier in that case.
Final time a safword’s a good idea: Not all tops are in control. Some Subs and Masochists get off on “riding” them – sort of like the thrill of riding a wild horse or bull, if that makes sense. In those cases it’s the Sub who needs to keep their head and they may need to be able to clearly and concisely let their partners know they need to “woah, buddy.”
So once again, there are cases that can be made for and against using safewords.
But!
In the context of my original post about Tumblr-Dom Bingo, if someone says in their blog bio or their over-the-top first DM that they don’t do safewords then… yeah… run away. Because it ought to be pretty clear that whether you use one or not it takes a whole conversation to make sure you both agree on the terms of what the safeword’s going to mean.
Thanks so much for asking that question. I hope it’s really clear from my answer that whether you use one or not at least one and preferably all parties need to take responsibility about playing out on the skinny branches.
