Posts Tagged ‘D/s Dynamic’
My daddy just gets so irritated n angry with me, often punishing me out of anger for things that arenât even rules and it makes me feel terrible. I donât anger him on purpose, it just seems to happen. I donât know what to do.
daddyandhislittleprincess11102:
What you need to do is RUN. This is not a daddy, this is a dangerous abuser and you are an abuse victim. Get out. NOW.
The first time he punished you out of anger for a rule that didnât exist, you should have run. Any person that would do that is domineering, not a Dominant. They are an abuser, not a lover. You need to pack up your shit and run before he does something really bad to you, because he will! He doesnât care about you and you feel it. He makes you feel bad about yourself. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him because he might yell (abuse you) at you. This is not D/s. This is not DD/lg. This is not CG/lg.
This is abuse, straight up abuse. You deserve so much more!
Now, RUN and go find it!
Good luck! We are pulling for you!
Please be safe @instructor144 anon! You definitely need to get away from him. It will only get worse and this will only traumatize you more. Make a plan and go. You ARE worth it!
This! D/S is a kink! Itâs a way to be together that makes us both happy, horny, and healthy!Â
To use a very pointed analogy, if two people are in a boxing ring and one punches the other thatâs part of the agreement and rules and framework of boxing. If they see each other walking down the street and one of them delivers the exact same punch itâs criminal assault and battery because thatâs totally outside of any agreement at all!
Same with any of the power-exchange kinks, even so-called â24/7âł Master/Slave ones. I donât know if the anonâs guy is a bona fide abuser or if he just has zero sense of boundaries, but heâs way outside of the anonâs agreements with him.
Also, not to put too fine a point on it, but every Dom, Daddy, Master, or even Sadist should know that the hallmark of power-exchange is that tops stay under control of themselves! And therefore should never do any kind of D/S out of genuine anger.
You know what you do when your partner (Sub or Dom, or vanilla as a pudding pop for that matter) has made you angry? You use your safeword (yeah, Doms need safewords too) and call a timeout, and you sit down and talk it out. Why, itâs almost as if a kink relationship was an actual goddamn relationship!
Dominance â domestic violence; Submission â codependence. Â
The key words here are âmakes me feel terrible.â D/S is supposed to make you feel good! If it makes you feel terrible itâs not kink, its just really shitty vanilla with unprovoked hitting.
If he doesnât listen then, yeah, withdraw consent for all D/S. If he balks at that then definitely withdraw from the relationship! Find your support network. Tell who you need to tell to be safe, yeah, but also not to feel terrible!
While men and women can both be Doms and Subs in no particular order, donât assume that it will be expressed identically regardless of sex or gender.
Some Doms get achy backs and tailbones a dozen times a year. It makes sense that theyâd have their Subs serve those needs too. And for a good Sub that service can be its own reward too.
Letâs put it this way: numerically speaking there are approximately as many authentically Submissive men in the world as there are women Subs. But can you even imagine an actual, authentically Submissive man sending a Dominant woman an unsolicited picture of his dick?
Although, hmmm, if you consider that approximately 99% of men who send dick picks are actually cripplingly insecure about their dicks and pathetically, anxiously desperate for approval maybe theyâre all sending unsolicted dick pics! Hmm… I suspect most of them have no idea theyâre Subs, but the more I think about it… I dunno. Something to think about.
I will say that as tough a time as women Subs have finding good Doms, men Subs have an even tougher time finding good Doms.
đ.
âFuck that shitâ is the universal safeword.
That and âwhat the fuck, asshole?â
Been really enjoying reading other Dom bloggers who are women lately. You can probably guess some of the reasons (challenging stereotypes and gender assumptions, for instance) but there are a couple others that seem worth bringing up.
Women Doms are, um, less likely to be deferential about what they enjoy or donât enjoy. After all, Subs benefit from clear rules, boundaries, and instructions, and Doms benefit from detailing their specific preferences. Otherwise how can rewards and consequences be fairly received or given?
I like this little photoset as well since it the Subâs service of his Dom seems more characteristic of real-life 24/7 D/S than you see in a lot of traditional D/S porn.
Just so you know. (But he wouldnât be much of a Daddy if he didnât know you like them too, would he, snipperdoodle?)
hey iâm a lesbian and my girlfriend and i are interested in the dom/sub community. i know this may be a tricky question for you but do you have any tips or tricks on how to handle punishment or how to assert dominance and authority for me. thank you and have a good one.
Hi, welcome to kink! If youâve read me for very long youâve probably noticed two things. First that I discovered Iâm actually a Daddy after decades of thinking I was a terribly unconvincing Dom. So you may want to consult with other Doms for nuts and bolts of D/S. Â
But second and more importantly, you probably already expect me to say what Iâm about to say: Dominance and Submission are kinks, not genders or sexes or orientations. So my tips about punishments and asserting dominance and authority will be to work together to figure out whatâs right for the two of you!
Cause there are a bajillion ways to do it. From old-school, high-church âFull Protocolâ D/S to pressing your finger to your partnerâs lips and whispering âon your knees, hon, hereâs whatâs going to happen next.â Punishment possibilities are all over the map as well. Anything from a quiet âIâm so disappointedâ to brutal caning while bent double over a bondage horse. If the three of us met in person (with our pants on!) I could probably give you some awesome suggestions after a conversation and watching how you already interact. But my âsecretâ would involve mostly asking you questions and watching how your eyes flash or fume while you share the answers with each other. And now that you know my secret you can probably have those conversations just as easily without me!
The third thing you might have noticed me saying repeatedly is that itâs important to have those conversations with each other because no matter how mild or harsh, casual or formal, you both need to feel satisfied with your domination and submission. You get to define âsatisfiedâ how each of you wishes (even if a Dom determines everything else she canât define satisfaction for her Sub or vice versa.) But since kink relationships are still relationships, the outcome of kinky sex needs to meet the same standards as vanilla sex: you should both be happy enough that you want to do it again. Or more. And of course with each other.
Good fences make good neighbors, and good boundaries make good kink partners. If neither of you are sure of the particulars thenÂ
- Check out some of the awesome, excellent mentoring blogs by experienced, ethical Doms and Subs on Tumblr and elsewhere. (Itâs ok to mix and match, by the way – many Subs have excellent advice about domination and vice versa.)
- Donât assume what you see in porn or read in lit are realistic or practical… which leads us to…
- Starting small and working your way up works better than starting big and apologizing your way down
- Remember the Dom has authority vested in them by the Sub, not irrevocable power over them.
- Check in often
- Donât assume the Dom can dish out more than the Sub can handle, and therefore…
- Donât assume itâs only the Sub who needs âaftercare.â (The Dom still should take responsibility for aftercare same as they took responsibility for the activities leading up to it. But donât imagine itâs not for the Domâs benefit as well… in part because
- Sometimes a âgreedyâ Sub can get their Dom to cross their own boundaries, which can be a rattling experience for the Dom and/or both of you. Which leads to the most important thing ever…
- Never, ever, ever forget that youâre equal partners with your own agency! Submission is as much of an autonomous kink as Domination. Youâre in a dance together and you each add your own energy and enthusiasm and needs. For this reason, as designated leader, a Dom needs to be just as responsible for her own boundaries as she is for her partnerâs.
Super interesting question. I hope my very general answers have been helpful. Best of luck to both of you!
—
Doh! I forgot the most important part: While I always assume my followers are more into D/Lg than D/S thatâs only because thereâs an ASS and itâs ME! So please let me invite my followers to add their practical, nuts-and-bolts suggestions either in their own posts or in comments to this one.
And to get the ball rolling let me promote @moonchild8914â˛s first comment
May I please recommend Taken in Hand by Jolynn Raymond? It is a wonderful book for anyone starting out in D/s, & she is a Domme with a wife who are living a D/s lifestyle.
Suggestions like this are always welcome. Thanks for reminding me, MC!
hey iâm a lesbian and my girlfriend and i are interested in the dom/sub community. i know this may be a tricky question for you but do you have any tips or tricks on how to handle punishment or how to assert dominance and authority for me. thank you and have a good one.
Hi, welcome to kink! If youâve read me for very long youâve probably noticed two things. First that I discovered Iâm actually a Daddy after decades of thinking I was a terribly unconvincing Dom. So you may want to consult with other Doms for nuts and bolts of D/S. Â
But second and more importantly, you probably already expect me to say what Iâm about to say: Dominance and Submission are kinks, not genders or sexes or orientations. So my tips about punishments and asserting dominance and authority will be to work together to figure out whatâs right for the two of you!
Cause there are a bajillion ways to do it. From old-school, high-church âFull Protocolâ D/S to pressing your finger to your partnerâs lips and whispering âon your knees, hon, hereâs whatâs going to happen next.â Punishment possibilities are all over the map as well. Anything from a quiet âIâm so disappointedâ to brutal caning while bent double over a bondage horse. If the three of us met in person (with our pants on!) I could probably give you some awesome suggestions after a conversation and watching how you already interact. But my âsecretâ would involve mostly asking you questions and watching how your eyes flash or fume while you share the answers with each other. And now that you know my secret you can probably have those conversations just as easily without me!
The third thing you might have noticed me saying repeatedly is that itâs important to have those conversations with each other because no matter how mild or harsh, casual or formal, you both need to feel satisfied with your domination and submission. You get to define âsatisfiedâ how each of you wishes (even if a Dom determines everything else she canât define satisfaction for her Sub or vice versa.) But since kink relationships are still relationships, the outcome of kinky sex needs to meet the same standards as vanilla sex: you should both be happy enough that you want to do it again. Or more. And of course with each other.
Good fences make good neighbors, and good boundaries make good kink partners. If neither of you are sure of the particulars thenÂ
- Check out some of the awesome, excellent mentoring blogs by experienced, ethical Doms and Subs on Tumblr and elsewhere. (Itâs ok to mix and match, by the way – many Subs have excellent advice about domination and vice versa.)
- Donât assume what you see in porn or read in lit are realistic or practical… which leads us to…
- Starting small and working your way up works better than starting big and apologizing your way down
- Remember the Dom has authority vested in them by the Sub, not irrevocable power over them.
- Check in often
- Donât assume the Dom can dish out more than the Sub can handle, and therefore…
- Donât assume itâs only the Sub who needs âaftercare.â (The Dom still should take responsibility for aftercare same as they took responsibility for the activities leading up to it. But donât imagine itâs not for the Domâs benefit as well… in part because
- Sometimes a âgreedyâ Sub can get their Dom to cross their own boundaries, which can be a rattling experience for the Dom and/or both of you. Which leads to the most important thing ever…
- Never, ever, ever forget that youâre equal partners with your own agency! Submission is as much of an autonomous kink as Domination. Youâre in a dance together and you each add your own energy and enthusiasm and needs. For this reason, as designated leader, a Dom needs to be just as responsible for her own boundaries as she is for her partnerâs.
Super interesting question. I hope my very general answers have been helpful. Best of luck to both of you!
—
Doh! I forgot the most important part: While I always assume my followers are more into D/Lg than D/S thatâs only because thereâs an ASS and itâs ME! So please let me invite my followers to add their practical, nuts-and-bolts suggestions either in their own posts or in comments to this one.
And to get the ball rolling let me promote @moonchild8914â˛s first comment
May I please recommend Taken in Hand by Jolynn Raymond? It is a wonderful book for anyone starting out in D/s, & she is a Domme with a wife who are living a D/s lifestyle.
Suggestions like this are always welcome. Thanks for reminding me, MC!
What I’m Saying
When I say âI want to be tied upâ
what Iâm really saying is
âI want to trust you enough to let go.âWhen I say âI want to be slappedâ
what Iâm really saying is
âThat sting makes me feel real.âWhen I say âI want be spankedâ
what Iâm really saying is
âI want to feel accountable to you.âWhen I say âI want be gaggedâ
what Iâm really saying is
âHelp me silence the thoughts in my brain.âWhen I say âI want to be usedâ
what Iâm really saying is
âI need to feel small and insignificant.âWhen I say âI want to be defiledâ
what Iâm really saying is
âI feel dirty. Make it go away.âWhen I say âI want be forced â
what Iâm really saying is
âHelp me not feel guilty about my desires.ââWhen I say âI want to be markedâ
what Iâm really saying is
âI need to feel you here even when youâre not.âWhen I say âIâm yoursâ
what Iâm really saying is
âI love the way you love me.âWhen I say âI love youâ
I mean just that.Source compliKated – Fetlife
this is cute.
This is also awesome!
I get that itâs not always obvious that thereâs such a huge gap between kink and abuse. But thatâs why itâs important to come up for air long enough, and go meta enough, to make the differences crystal clear.
For the record, if I didnât understand how you felt, and if I didnât reciprocate those feelings, I couldnât lift a finger or say a word. Â
Chances are surprisingly good that if we didnât have all the social pressure, guilt trips, need for vigilance and self-protection, perpetual deluges of oppression, and the aftermath of both petty and deep real abuse, most of us would be perfectly happy being blandly vanilla. Although âvanillaâ activities might be considerably more, um, robust and less deferential and tentative. But we do have all that bullshit, and so we wind up with kinks. Thatâs why we call them kinks! Â
But hells yes:
- I wouldnât bind you if I didnât know you trusted me
- I wouldnât spank you if you didnât want to be spanked.
- I wouldnât slap or gag or force you unless I know thatâs what you need to let go
- I wouldnât âuseâ you if I didnât think it fed your fires too.
- And if I said âI love youâ Iâd mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Do you like being dominated and objectified?
yes but obvi only in a kink scene or something, iâve been sent messages where someone was trying to dom me and called me âslutâ when i tried to say that i would rather talk first and i donât care for that shit /at all/
This! The biggest goddamn mistake people make is imagining that something you enjoy during sex with a partner would be just as enjoyable without. Or that something that turns you on when your partner does it turns you when random strangers do. Or that something that excites you when youâre horny turns you on when youâre just trying to get to work, or drop the kids off, or finish your report, or order a goddamn cup of coffee.
Consider that a lot of guys get off extra hard when their lover presses a fingertip against their asshole when theyâre coming. And yet pretty much no guy is likely to appreciate someone touching their asshole while theyâre making a presentation at work.
Sexual Domination and Submission is… um… sexual. One of the things that makes it a kink as opposed to, oh, say, âhow everyday life worksâ is that itâs shit you actively donât want to happen in regular life!
D/S happens between equal partners. If youâre not equal partners itâs not kink itâs abuse and/or codependence, criminal behavior or criminal victimization.
Being treated with animal lust by your lover is hot, being treated like an animal, um, isnât.