hey i’m a lesbian and my girlfriend and i are interested in the dom/sub community. i know this may be a tricky question for you but do you have any tips or tricks on how to handle punishment or how to assert dominance and authority for me. thank you and have a good one.
Hi, welcome to kink! If you’ve read me for very long you’ve probably noticed two things. First that I discovered I’m actually a Daddy after decades of thinking I was a terribly unconvincing Dom. So you may want to consult with other Doms for nuts and bolts of D/S.
But second and more importantly, you probably already expect me to say what I’m about to say: Dominance and Submission are kinks, not genders or sexes or orientations. So my tips about punishments and asserting dominance and authority will be to work together to figure out what’s right for the two of you!
Cause there are a bajillion ways to do it. From old-school, high-church “Full Protocol” D/S to pressing your finger to your partner’s lips and whispering “on your knees, hon, here’s what’s going to happen next.” Punishment possibilities are all over the map as well. Anything from a quiet “I’m so disappointed” to brutal caning while bent double over a bondage horse. If the three of us met in person (with our pants on!) I could probably give you some awesome suggestions after a conversation and watching how you already interact. But my “secret” would involve mostly asking you questions and watching how your eyes flash or fume while you share the answers with each other. And now that you know my secret you can probably have those conversations just as easily without me!
The third thing you might have noticed me saying repeatedly is that it’s important to have those conversations with each other because no matter how mild or harsh, casual or formal, you both need to feel satisfied with your domination and submission. You get to define “satisfied” how each of you wishes (even if a Dom determines everything else she can’t define satisfaction for her Sub or vice versa.) But since kink relationships are still relationships, the outcome of kinky sex needs to meet the same standards as vanilla sex: you should both be happy enough that you want to do it again. Or more. And of course with each other.
Good fences make good neighbors, and good boundaries make good kink partners. If neither of you are sure of the particulars then
- Check out some of the awesome, excellent mentoring blogs by experienced, ethical Doms and Subs on Tumblr and elsewhere. (It’s ok to mix and match, by the way – many Subs have excellent advice about domination and vice versa.)
- Don’t assume what you see in porn or read in lit are realistic or practical… which leads us to…
- Starting small and working your way up works better than starting big and apologizing your way down
- Remember the Dom has authority vested in them by the Sub, not irrevocable power over them.
- Check in often
- Don’t assume the Dom can dish out more than the Sub can handle, and therefore…
- Don’t assume it’s only the Sub who needs “aftercare.” (The Dom still should take responsibility for aftercare same as they took responsibility for the activities leading up to it. But don’t imagine it’s not for the Dom’s benefit as well… in part because
- Sometimes a “greedy” Sub can get their Dom to cross their own boundaries, which can be a rattling experience for the Dom and/or both of you. Which leads to the most important thing ever…
- Never, ever, ever forget that you’re equal partners with your own agency! Submission is as much of an autonomous kink as Domination. You’re in a dance together and you each add your own energy and enthusiasm and needs. For this reason, as designated leader, a Dom needs to be just as responsible for her own boundaries as she is for her partner’s.
Super interesting question. I hope my very general answers have been helpful. Best of luck to both of you!
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Doh! I forgot the most important part: While I always assume my followers are more into D/Lg than D/S that’s only because there’s an ASS and it’s ME! So please let me invite my followers to add their practical, nuts-and-bolts suggestions either in their own posts or in comments to this one.
And to get the ball rolling let me promote @moonchild8914′s first comment
May I please recommend Taken in Hand by Jolynn Raymond? It is a wonderful book for anyone starting out in D/s, & she is a Domme with a wife who are living a D/s lifestyle.
Suggestions like this are always welcome. Thanks for reminding me, MC!
