Reflections on the politics and fetishization of virginity
Pretty much everything about “virginity” is connected with very old political and economic concerns about verifying paternity. That’s… about it. In technical and legal terms men can’t get pregnant and so while they can have sex for the first time, and even make a big, romantic and/or macho deal out of it, calling it “losing his virginity” is basically a participation prize. For instance nobody’s ever stoned a man to death for losing his “virginity.” As opposed to what happens way to often to girls around the world, including white middle-class Europe and America.
Historically (including many parts of the world today) “losing” one’s virginity isn’t about Teh Sex but about sealing economic or political mergers between families. (The literal meaning of lower-case p patriarchy.) Actually it’s the offspring of marriages that literally seal the deal, so being able to confirm that children were the man’s offspring was and some places still is of vital importance.
Now there’s genetic testing the traditional significance applied to virginity would be quaint… if it weren’t so murderous.
There are still associations with Teh Sex, however. Thanks to its relative scarcity and associated risks, virginity has been one of the biggest, oldest male fetishes for millennia.
The most ridiculous expression of this fetish was from an ostensible “sex expert” who claimed that sex with a virgin was so fabulously pleasurable for the man that he would come the instant he penetrated her… something that could never happen again. Do not ask me how, in any universe, such premature ejaculation would be desirable for either the woman or the man. And of course it’s batshit crazy.
As someone with an embarrassing amount of thirdhand, secondhand, and first hand experience I can actually testify that at least in terms of pure sensation for the man, intercourse feels exactly the same whether it’s the woman’s 1st or her 100th or 1000th time.
It’s worth pointing out that virginity might still be a fun kink. But it’s also worth pointing out that as with other kinks it’s just as much fun if neither party has been a virgin for years. (Even in very hard-core BDSM does anyone mind that the Sub hasn’t been literally, legally condemned to imprisonment and torture, for instance?)
Recommendation: Outside of intentional kink situations try saying “The first time I had intercourse” instead of “When I ‘lost’ my virginity.” Say “I haven’t had intercourse yet” instead of “I’m still a virgin.” And instead of saying “I want to lose my virginity to you” say “I haven’t had intercourse before but I’d like to have it with you.”
Nobody has to do this. I’m just suggesting it. But if you look at the thoroughly unromantic, legalistic, and small-beans patriarchy behind the word “virginity,” carrying on about it is roughly as romantic as signing closing documents when purchasing a new home. Which, unfortunately, is a historically apt comparison.
