Do you or your followers happen to know if it is common that the dom in a serious committed relationship places his sub above all others (before other family members and friends)? Is that how it should be? I’m in the process of vetting an extremely romantic and generous of heart dom who vows to forsake all others when we marry. I’m afraid of disappointment (he is trustworthy and reliable but I have severe trust issues which I went to therapy for). Should I put him to various tests?
Followers?
That sounds like a pretty huge red flag. Balance is key. A willingness to cut out (“forsake”) friends and family indicates some deep-rooted attachment and esteem issues. I’d look into that before considering a relationship, much less marriage.
Yikes! There are definite red flags in that ask. Just not the ones the anon worries about.
I often say kink relationships are at heart relationships but it’s particularly important to filter D/S out of this one and just look at its essentials.
1) Forsaking all others probably isn’t a problem, but there’s an easy way to find out.
“Forsaking all others” has been part of the bog standard English wedding vows since before English was a language. (Back in the 11th Century they said “et omnes alias propter eam dimittere et illi soli adhaerere” but it means basically the same thing.)
In other words “forsaking all others” just means “you come first” and maybe “I’m making a monogamous commitment to you.” Also possibly “if you and my mom disagree I’ll side with you.” It’s meant those things for a very, very long time. I’m surprised that anyone would find it surprising.
Relationship researchers do often warn that men have a tendency to center their social lives around their long-term romantic partners, including abdicating much of their social scheduling to them. On the other hand those same specialists note that women will often unconsciously work to isolate their partners from their previous social relationships. Neither of these are ominous or conspiratorial – it’s just something relationship partners need to watch out for.
If this is a concern for the anon they might want to might ask him what he’s thinking when he says it.
2) Wanting to “test” a prospective husband or wife (or Dom or Sub) is a big red flag
Asking him what he means by “forsaking all others” as opposed to, I don’t know, maybe “putting him to various tests?” Because WT actual F?
My heart goes out to the anon. If they’re thinking about putting their own relationship and their partner’s emotional health at risk by performing “various tests” then… they’re suited for this relationship.
Trust issues or not, deliberately “testing” one’s partner is a manipulative, passive-aggressive, cynical, and quintessentially vanilla thing to do. It’s also abusive as hell.
I mean, one does obtain informed consent one’s prospective partner before performing possibly emotionally-damaging tests on them — tests which may result in you summarily dumping them if they fail, right? Right?
If you tell someone you’re going to test them then unless they’re “romantic” to the point of oblivion then they’ll never be able to trust you. If one doesn’t get their informed consent then one is unethical, immoral, and an abusive creep.
Testing is something one does to a thing. It’s something performed on a subordinate. And once performed, whether they pass or fail, the tester will never be able to have a peer-to-peer relationship with the person tested.
I’ve advised bottoms to break it off with tops who say they need to “test” prospective partners. If I knew the anon’s Dom I’d advise him to do the same with her.
The goal of human beings is to get rid of one’s own shit without putting it on anyone else. Again, my heart goes out to the anon, but lightening her own trust issues by dumping them on someone else just… isn’t a healthy approach.
