Ways for shy subs to initiate sex? Initiating is a department I am seriously lacking in and I seriously need tips I want to improve.

oldenoughtobeyourfather:

Awesome question for a couple of excellent reasons!!!!

1. Initiating can be hard for a lot of Subs.  It just doesn’t feel like a very submissive thing to do. It can be even harder if the Dom is the sort who agrees it’s their job to initiate.
2. It can be especially tough when a Sub has a higher (real, imagined, temporary, or permanent) libido than their Dom.
3. It can be even more of a problem when the Sub is a woman and the Dom is a man, because we’ve got waaayyyyy too many dominant social myths and narratives about men wanting sex more than women.
4. Because of 1-3, above, it can be an even bigger issue when the Sub is a man and the Dom is a woman.
5. And if the Sub is a woman there are all those social “slut shaming” narratives to contend with – kinksters are rarely more than partly insulated from dominant social narratives. 

The “good” news is this isn’t just a problem for BDSM or other kink relationships.  It’s  practically  a running joke in vanilla culture no matter who’s initiating.

But enough about the why and on to the what.  What are some things a Sub can do to… if not outright initiate then at least indicate that they’d like to have sex.

Wait!  One thing not to do first!  Being bratty or sassy is fine if that’s part of your D/S or D/Lg play dynamic.  (Sassing a Dom, Daddy, or other kind of top can be a great way to get something started.)  But don’t be an asshole in hopes of turning things into makeup sex, ok?  One of my tags is “be a Dom, not a dick.”  That applies to Subs too.

As I used to do back in the day I like to go find good sources and see what they recommend.  For instance, here’s what lunaKM from SubmissiveGuide suggests

subgirlygirl:

I’m throwing this out there for others to comment on because I am the WORST when it comes to this! I want sex a lot (like every day, sometimes more), but asking for it? I’d much rather they read my mind, thank you very much! (Then they don’t, and I feel neglected, then I write a post on how to not feel neglected when your partner can’t read your mind.)

Seriously, short of rubbing my foot on their leg and saying “Whatcha doin’…” in a sing-song voice, I find it hard to voice desire. I’ve learned to because it’s that or be disappointed, but it remains difficult. Followers, any advice you can offer?

Initiating play and being spontaneous in the bedroom is not a Dominant thing. It’s a couples thing. Both people can do it. When you flirt and tease your partner it’s because you are sexually attracted to them and want to have fun, treat it as searching for mutual pleasure.

Try to put yourself in his place. Your partner never initiate play or sex, they may show some slight interest, but your partner always waits for you to initiate. Do you start feeling like they aren’t that into you? Do you start questioning your sexual attraction to them? Do you stop initiating yourself? It’s a downward slope.

Being submissive does not mean you can’t initiate. It’s quite alluring when the submissive flirts and teases the Dom for play or sex. I don’t think you’d disagree that it’s hot to know that your partner wants you and has just come up and whispered in your ear that they want to do naughty things to do in the bedroom.
– How to Initiate Play and Sex While Remaining Submissive

LunaKM also makes the point that asking your Dom to tell you what to do is “direct” but they’ll still be telling you what they want you to do!

And I love their point that seduction and initiating is a relationship thing, not a Dom or Submissive thing.

There’s a mixed discussion of the issue, plus a few good suggestions, on the very old, very old-school, “Taken In Hand” forum.  Always interesting to see how socially-conservative, often anti-feminist, “submissives” historically approached these things.

There are a number of discussions of this on Reddit, of course.  Here’s one that sheds more light than noise: How to initiate sex in a submissive way.

Summarizing some of the suggestions that work for me (though keep in mind that I’m a Daddy not a Dom.)

• hop in my lap and say “Daddy, I need attention.”
• wear something almost innocently revealing – maybe a long t-shirt with no pants
• if you have a leash and collar, bring it to me in your teeth (for pet play and Littles) or stand or kneel holding them out to me with your head down (Sub or Slave)
• kneel at my feet and look me in the eyes
• do something playfully/harmlessly bratty or sassy to get a playful/harmless “punishment.”
• ask me a question that draws my attention to sex.  For instance “do you remember that time you…”
• put your hand (or face!) in my lap, drape yourself over my back, start kissing my head and face, hold my hand and put it in your lap, against your cheek, on your breast or ass.  Then wait for me to say “do you need something, kittycat?”  Then nod demurely.

Or, getting back to lunaKM and even some of the Taken In Hand commenters, is it really that bad to be direct?  I mean, you can be submissively direct and say “can I serve you?” or “I really need a…” whatever it is you really need.

Speaking as a top, obviously, and as a soft Daddy and not a hard Dom or “Daddy Dom” I have to agree that there’s a huge fucking difference between initiating sex and taking control.  If a top doesn’t get this then they’re missing as much as half the fun.

And also, top or not, it’s really fucking hot knowing you’re wanted!

Speaking of Subs initiating, I stumbled across a whole post about it! 

0