Hi! First of allI love your blog- educational *and* sexy! But I also have a question that’s been on my mind recently. In some cases, could asking someone to hurt you constitute as self-harm? I’d like to get into the kink scene sometime but I struggle with self-harm and I wouldn’t want exacerbate things or include someone in my problems. I don’t know who else to ask, and you seem to have a good grasp on healthy s&m. Thank you for writing the things you do :)
Yes, people can and do use kink as a means of self harm. You kind of have to use discretion and be mindful of your mental status when you’re about to enter a scene. If you’re upset at all, it’s not a good time to scene.
I recommend trying to get a handle on your recovery before getting into the kink scene. Once you have a clear mind and the ability to tell the difference between self harm and sexual masochism, it will be easier to identify what is and isn’t okay. Also, I definitely recommend talking to your partner(s) about your self harm so they’re aware and can help assess your mental state and make sure you’re getting adequate aftercare.
This is so important! Nearly every legitimate kink has its own “parasitic” dysfunctional copycat. Every kink community needs to be on the lookout for the real users and abusers who try and use their kinks as protective coloration.
Just to name a few, D/Lg has to keep an eye out for pedophiles. (Similarly the gay community has had to fend of NAMBLA for generations!) S&M has to watch out for psychopaths. CNCs have to keep a close eye on actual rapists. The D/S community is constantly dealing with encroachment by abusive assholes who pretend to be (male or female) “Doms.”
And guess what else? Bottoming, whether it’s Submission, Masochism, Littles, etc., are their own kinks too. And therefore have their own destructive doppelgangers, and the kink community needs to keep an eye out for them too.
I’m not saying you can’t be in kink if you’ve got psychological or trauma-related issues, including self-destructive ones. But as @submissivefeminist says you’ve got to get a handle on them or you’re going to be an active danger not only to yourself but to your prospective partners. Including your tops, who may have no idea what you’re capable of dragging them into.
This is also why it’s vital that tops… Doms, Daddies, Sadists, rope and rough players, etc… have their own very clear boundaries and hard limits.
Abuse ≠ dominance
Codependency ≠ submission
