I’m still pretty new, and have been talking for 2 weeks with a dom that lives long distance. We seem to be syncing well, have similar tastes with regard to kink, humor, etc. There have been no red flags but for: As soon as I mentioned a woman I’m fwb with, it’s been all about the 3 of us getting together, rather than just he and I. And I mentioned this once before and he seemed to pivot but now is right back to the 3some. I like 3somes, more fun for all, but it still pricks my ego a bit. Silly?

flamingdumpsterkittn:

instructor144:

Not silly at all. If he is genuinely interested in YOU, rather than just getting it on with two people, then he should have said that’s interesting and then returned his focus to YOU. Guys seem to have a freaking obsession with threesomes. Here’s a spoiler alert, boys: truth is, they’re basically “meh.”

I’m all for threesomes. But if your my partner your my partner unless it has been otherwise discussed. Seeing that it’s new, maybe hes just testing boundaries or it’s his idea of a joke. If it rubs you the wrong way, tell him.

This is radically important!  This is why boundaries matter, not for safety or gratification but for relationship workability. 

Imagine a boss just expected that one of their employee’s friends ought to do them a huge favor, even though the friend’s never even met the boss.  Can you imagine saying anything besides “you’re fucking kidding me?”  

I bet you can imagine saying no way because that would be 100% totally and completely out of line!  Our employer having a (working) relationship with us in absolutely no way has anything to do with our relationship with other people in our lives.

So.

A Sub may have a relationship with a Dom, and inside that relationship they may do all manner of submissive, painful, humiliating, and challenging things.  Because that’s their relationship agreement.

If you’ve got another FWB, especially if it’s someone you were friends with before you entered your agreement with a Dom, then that’s your relationship, not his.  His relationship with you doesn’t magically translate into a relationship with her.

Now…

If he didn’t understand that boundaries are essential to relationships and kink in general, and to power-exchange kinks in particular, then, yeah, he might imagine that 

a) He’d like to have threeway sex with you and another woman
b) You have a female sex partner
c) You’ve agreed to Submit to him
d) Therefore his relationship with you gives him a relationship with her.

This chain of logic works only if someone has no sense of appropriate boundaries.  

Leave aside the question of whether this guy wants a threeway more than he wants a good relationship with someone who sounds like a really put-together Sub.  Let’s just pretend that’s not really what seems to be going on.

Instead let’s just take the opportunity to see how fucking up perfectly ordinary boundaries in a kink relationship have pushed the anonymous Sub out from under him.  Where he may never be able to get her back.

Good fences make good neighbors.  Good boundaries make good kink relationships.

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