I have a dom coming to visit me and he is adamant about not using a safe word. I’ve been looking forward to him coming down and have talked about what I would be comfortable with, but the idea of no safe word is frightening. Should i call if off or go through with it?

“The idea of no safe word is frightening.”

You answered your own question, didn’t you?

I’m 100% sympathetic.  You look forward to meeting him, and he’s comfortable talking to you about your needs and wants. 

I’ve mentioned before that there’s a school of thought in kink that safewords aren’t actually safe… in the sense that a top should never get out of control and should always be 100% attentive and that too many bottoms get to hazy or even intimidated or “brave” to safeword.  

But!

Since you can be all that and use safewords too it’s a red flag that this person is “adamant” about not having one.

The only purpose of D/S in particular, BDSM and kink in a little more general, and non-intentionally-reproductive sex in general is for both of you to enjoy yourselves, to feel safe, to be happy, horny, healthy, and want to do it again.  And again.

That’s a pretty low bar.  Sounds like it’s not going to be met without him agreeing to letting you have a safeword and without you being 100% confident that he’ll respect it you use it.  And-and that he won’t wet his pants or throw a fit if you did use it.

So I’m going to say call it off unless and until you stop being frightened instead of totally excited to submit to him.

In fact I’m going to be blunt (not mean, just blunt) and say a good Dom would have called off his trip instead of putting you in the uncomfortable position of having to do it yourself!  He hasn’t.  So maybe he’s not a good Dom for you.

Thank you so much for asking this question.  It’s a really, really important one that shouldn’t need repeating but does.  Over and over.  

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