Posts Tagged ‘D/S play’
So I finally turned 18 last month after 7 years of sitting on the outlines and reading about BDSM instead of trying to join the community because I knew that even though I had the knowledge and want for said experiences I was WAY too young and would put people at risk including myself by involving myself AT ALL in the community but now that I’m 18 I’m too nervous to actually put myself out there, I’m scared people will still say I’m too young even though I’m an adult. What do I do? 1/2
For now, read, learn, ask questions, read and follow respected blogs. Eventually you can think about maybe attending munches, theyâre safe PG-13 get togethers. Some of the more experienced subs will most likely take you under their wing and get you settled.
To turn the old aphorism around, when it comes to learning about sex and submission, learn to walk before you learn to crawl.
Seriously! Think about your first day of driverâs ed.  Were you ready to parallel park on a hill on a busy street?
Now think about the first day you got your license. Were you… ready to parallel park on a hill on a busy street?
Same with sex. Same with kink.
Want to do dark and dirty BDSM? Wonderful!
Start with kissing.
Start with forming relationships.
Ideally, find someone you respect who respects you, someone whoâs no more experienced than you are, someone whoâll listen as well as suggest, someone you can learn together with and not just from!
Think about the rules at the swimming pool: no going in the deep end till you can swim all the way across the shallow end; no diving off the high-dive till you can dive off the low board.
This is not to say donât do BDSM! Heh. It does mean learn the basics first. I promise youâll be way better, enjoy yourself way more and for waaayyyy longer.
These are things a very good mentor, a very good top, a very experienced but conscientious Dom or Daddy would have you do for them. (Hint: if they donât agree they might not be a good partner choice.)
This isnât about age, by the way, itâs about learning. It would be as true for someone whoâs 68 as someone whoâs 18. Â
i want to addres a certain unhealthy mindset iâve seen come up in the the BDSM community.
There seems to sometimes be an issue of people not recognizing what is reality and what is play. BDSM *always* is play. it is a *fantasy*. the power dynamics are *not* real. lemme explain.
in a Dom/sub relationship, subs are often considered property, toys, etc. but no matter how ingrained that dynamic is in your relationship, that is never your sole identity. your Dom does not literally own you. you *always* have the right to be an independent person. you are *always* their equal. this applies no matter how much power you choose to give them over you. you can always take it away when needed. you are not a bad sub if thatâs what you need to do to preserve your mental, emotional or physical health. you are an individual first and a sub second.
Since I take this really, really seriously I guess I could try to sound all butch and dead-white-male authoritative, solemn, and serious about this but really, OMG, @princesssofcolor nailed this so perfectly itâs just wonderful!
BDSM *always* is play.
–Â @princesssofcolor
I’ve been thinking about the two fundamentals in bdsm of consent and no abuse. With masochism/sadism and such, what are your thoughts on how to identify the line between healthy bdsm pain play and unhealthy harmful interactions? How does each part of a D/s dynamic know when the line is being crossed? (Disclosure: I’m not into pain play much myself. Just wondering about it from a self-education point of view.)
This is a great question. Iâm a bit under the weather today, but itâs a conversation worth having so Iâm going to open this one to my Followers. Chime in, yâall!
Just some of the rudimentary distinctions:
INJURY versus PAIN
This fundamental difference, in my opinion, must be recognized first and foremost. I define injury as anything requiring medical intervention. I donât include mild to moderate abrasions, welts, bruises, etc. â basically, anything merely skin deep or cosmetic.
CALM versus EMOTIONAL
I am referring to the one giving the pain, the D-type or Top. If the Top is ever not in complete control of their emotions, and calm, all play must stop immediately. (If aware prior, no play should begin.) In my opinion, it is always abusive to the bottom for a Top to use the bottomâs masochistic desires to expunge the Topâs negative emotions (hatered, anger, frustration, self doubt, shame, etc.). The bottom is NOT a âpoison toiletâ for the Top to empty their negative emotions into.
MASOCHISM versus SELF-HARM BY PROXY
The bottomâs needs must be correctly identified before any pain play occurs, each and every time.
Pain is NOT a âtreatmentâ** for eating disorders, substance abuse disorders, depression, bipolar disorder nor (the most concerning) borderline personality disorder (the primary diagnosis associated with cutting/self harm). Pain should not be used to âpurgeâ the bottom of self hatered. I judge all of the above to constitute a form of self harm and abusive to the dynamic.
Moreover, itâs the bottomâs needs that often dictate the nature of the pain play. For example, if the bottom has a âmaintenanceâ need, that is usually gifted in a somewhat set manner. Here the purpose is not sexual or Sadistic. Itâs form is usually impact (some form of spanking) as opposed to say nipple clamps or stress positional bondage.
** Note: A diagnosis does not preclude participation as long as the underlying disorder is currently managed well with treatment. It does however place additional responsibilities on the Top to maintain appropriate control, especially in time of stress. Any healthy S&m interaction has the potential to become self harm. Vigilance by the Top is NOT optional.
All of the above is written with the assumption that limits have been discussed, successfully negotiated and consent given.
I hope this is what you were getting at with your ask @daddydomexplorations .
Sorry to hear youâre under the weather my friend @instructor144 . (((HUGS)))
Awesome rundown. I usually just say thereâs a difference between hurt and harm. Or pain and distress. Iâm studiously careful not to cause harm in the first place. I check in regularly. And pause at the first sign of distress. Because even with a casual partner theyâre STILL MY PARTNER! Who the fuck wants to fuck up a partner? Who the fuck wants to fuck up a relationship?
I adore @submissive-seekingâs distinction of masochism and self harm by proxy!Â
Itâs obvious when someone we know goes from bad relationship to worse. Itâs easy to mistake what theyâre doing as looking for something more ârealâ or âauthenticâ or âdeeperâ masochism.Â
But really, Subs and Masochists gotta play by the same âitâs a relationshipâ rules. Choosing actual abusers, people who âhas some issues and goes a little too far sometimes, but I know what Iâm doingâ isnât masochism anymore, is it? At some point itâs time to acknowledge they both âhave some issues.â
Which is where that distinction of masochism vs self-harm comes in so well! The hurt-not-harm and pain-not-distress rules are everybodyâs responsibility. Not just the topâs.
Because who the fuck wants to fuck up their Dom/Sadist partner either? Who the fuck wants to fuck up their relationship from the bottom?
Finally, as @submissive-seeking says, having a diagnosis doesnât mean one canât be in a relationship, nor does it rule out being in a relationship with someone whoâs got a diagnosis. It just means both parties need to be more aware and attentive, same as you would be if their diagnosis was a bad back or a heart condition.
Good boundaries on BOTH sides make good relationships. Even D/S and S&M relationships.
Watch out for each other. Take care of each other.