Always be of use.
Submission is itâs own, independent kink and therefore Submissives actively seek what they want. What outsiders donât get about bottoms in kink is that what they want may or may not be more deep or intense than what their tops want.
For better or worse (mostly worse) our notions of D/S, D/Lg, S&M, and other power-exchange kinks in BDSM are bound up with our notions about traditional/historical gender: men are ravening horndogs, women are demure, innocent angels. Men are violent and prone to abuse, women are dependent and often victimized.
Itâs so baked into the dominant paradigm that we automatically assign things women do to facilitate their sexuality (things like kneeling, raising their bottoms when face down, parting their legs, enjoying ass impact, receiving penetration) with cultural gestures of subordination, subjugation, and degradation.
(Aside: next time someone tells you we donât need feminism or LGBT activism ask yourself why âcocksuckerâ is still commonly hurled and received as a âfighting wordsâ insult. But I digress…)
While kink is certainly subject to its own gender problems (in the 21st Century why the fuck does anyone use âDommeâ or, bleah, âdominatrixâ for Doms that happen to be women?) itâs just not the case that Dominance or Submission kinks are intrinsically gendered. Nor is it the case that all Dominants are all-knowing and all demanding and that Submission is a passive kink or that Submissives have no interests or agenda of their own.
I was already a top when I was too young to understand what sex was. When I say Iâm not a capital-D Dom, or a non-Dom Daddy I donât mean Iâm not physically dominant during sex. (Heh, no.) I can be a very enthusiastic Sadist with a partner whoâs a cheerful Masochist. I donât happen to have that common urge to push peopleâs boundaries or limits – never thought âoh boy, I bet my partner would really hate it if I tried doing XYZ, so I want to do XYZ to them.â Â
But!
But as a result Iâve had a number of Submissive, Little, and Masochistic partners hint or outright ask for more. And oh boy is that an awesome feeling!
But Iâve also had quite a few partners whoâs pushed for more than Iâm comfortable with. At least initially. And some whoâve asked for or even demanded things that are simply hard limits for me.
Early on, when I was still thoroughly indoctrinated to the notion that Doms initiate and Subs merely receive, I pushed myself past my hard limits. Or struggled to get ahead of my submissive or masochistic partnerâs ardent desire for humiliation, pain, or exhibitionism. It simply didnât occur to me that I was automatically in charge by virtue of my sex (male) or role (Dominant/Daddy/Sadist) and so it never occurred to me that I could say no!
Fortunately that rarely happens, and even better, once I got over the stupid conceit that as a top, and as a man, my needs and kinks always exceeded those of my women partners in kink, Iâve been able to respect and accommodate not only my partnerâs limits and boundaries but my own.
But also consequently Iâm no longer surprised to find a partner waiting for me, already soaking wet, on her knees with a belt in her mouth. Did I expect it? No. Did I initiate it? No, Submission is its own kink and so itâs not surprising when Submissives initiate. Do I know what to do? Oh yeah, Daddy knows exactly what to do with a naughty puppy with a belt in her mouth, doesnât he, cinnamonstick?