Posts Tagged ‘polyamory’
Just because Iām poly, doesnāt mean I want to pursue every possible relationship opportunity that presents itself.
Just because Iām poly and a Domme, doesnāt mean that I want a harem of subs.
Just because Iām poly, doesnāt mean that I want to flirt with or fuck everyone I meet.
It means that when the time is right, with the right person, under the perfect circumstances, I have room in my heart for them.
Thank you!Ā Oh my goodness this is so well said!
Just like being bisexual doesnāt mean you want to have sex with everybody, being poly doesnāt mean you want to be in a relationship with everybody.Ā Ā
And not to put too fine a point on it but just because someoneās monogamous doesnāt mean they still donāt like flirting, at least, and sometimes even fucking!Ā (Letās check our stereotypes about monogamy too, theyāre also demonstrably wrong.)
There are some extraordinarilyĀ prim but still authentically poly people out there in what amounts to lifelong āmonogamousā relationships that just happen to be with two partners instead of one.Ā But even for those who are profligately promiscuous, their polyamory does not automatically give you a free pass into their beds.
Ethical Non-Monogamy and the “One Penis Policy” – Submissive Feminist
Link: Ethical Non-Monogamy and the “One Penis Policy” – Submissive Feminist
OMG, the OPP!Ā This is a pretty big deal in the poly community and one that oughtĀ to distinguish it from, say,Ā āswingers.āĀ Nothing wrong with swinging, and it makes a lot of people very, very happy.Ā But it tends to be a lot more hetero-centric and, with the possible exception of occasionalĀ āhot girl on girl action,ā relatively homophobic too.
Itās the 21st Century, gang, not the 1st.Ā Sex isnāt something women do for men, and so if itās ok for straight men to have multiple, strong relationships with women itās ok for women to have the same with men.Ā Itās alsoĀ the 21st Century and not the 19th or 20th, so side B of the OPP policy is women in poly need to be ok with their male partners having other male partners as well.
Bottom line: itās polyamory not polygamy! Ā Brigham Young and a bunch of sister-wives is certainly A configuration in poly. Ā But the one-penis-policy is actually kind of rampant (little pun there) but it isnāt and shouldnāt be the only configuration.
Iām it into girls or adding people in my relationship. My Dom said thatās perfectly fine. Heās done those things before, he reassures me but I canāt help but feel one day he will ask. It makes me feel sucks thinking do the idea of him wanting someone others than me/Doug stuff with someone else
So if Iām understanding what youāre saying, you are into having relations with others, but youāre feeling badly about him doing the same?
It took me A WHOLE LOTS of assurances and discussions to get to a place where I was ok with my partner(s) being with other people, even though Iām actually the third in their relationship. What Iāve learned:
Itās not them, itās me – my own uncertainty and self-consciousness. The anxiety monsters telling me Iām not worthy/valuable/loved. That theyāll leave me for someone ābetterā. But I canāt allow my monsters to block out the truth -I am loved and my partners (or me) having relations with other people doesnāt change that.
99.99% of the time when someone mentions wanting toĀ ābring in another partnerā their existing partner can successfully divert, distract, or decline if youāre not interested.Ā Ā
One good way is to actually go ahead and let them, because like stopping to let a barking dog ācatchā the car itās chasing itās almost always far more fun in fantasy than real life.Ā
Anyway, just wanted to reassure the anon that when her Dom says āthatās perfectly findā he probably really means it.
Because turns out for most people one partner is plenty. Ā Even for most authentically poly people one partner at a time in bed is plenty.
Heh.Ā Yikes!Ā Never thought of this but this is now a very mild anxiety of mine too. Ā A Little partner asking if they can have a āsisterā Little join us I mean.Ā For the reasons listed above Iām not tooĀ anxious about it.
Opinion needed. My D is getting less interested in me. He keeps saying heās bored & frustrated, that we just have this same old routine each day but he isnāt doing anything to rectify this. Ive tried suggesting going out for dinner & dancing, Iāve asked for more rules & structure, anything to build us but am ignored. He says heās also frustrated because he needs a 2nd sub. For us.. I havenāt found anyone so heās frustrated. Each day thereās less intimacy which feels like punishment. Iām lost.
Oh dear. The oldĀ āletās get a second sub to fix whatās wrong with the two of usā gambit. Yeah, that rarely ends well. You two need to get down to a series of meta talks about whether youāre going to start taking this relationship seriously, or going to part before it falls apart from drift and indifference.
A second sub? Heās not doing his job with his first one!
This guy sounds shiftless and lazy. He clearly sees your role as his personal fantasy gum ball machine and pouts when you donāt spit out the mysterious perfect jawbreaker that would make everything better. If only you were smart enough and entertaining enough to produce it for him.
What about him makes you think he is a Dom? Because he will fuck you rough? Because he puts you on your knees? Because he promises to turn you into the perfect slut? Because he sets sexual favors as your tasks instead of non-sexual ones? Iām interested to know what kind of aĀ āDomā he is. I bet once he cums his interest in you wanes for any other purpose.
I think he is using the Cloak of BDSMā¢ to hide how inept he is at really connecting with someone. Caring about them. Learning their needs. Seeing how you both are aligned and using that as a foundation for further growth. Either he is interested in you as a person (and a future relationship) or not. Some people arenāt a good fit due to circumstance or personal interests. Some arenāt a good fit due to lack of effort and poor character.
Find out which one it is.
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Ahaha!Ā This little mistake is probably more common in polyĀ āweāre having trouble in our relationship so letās make things easier by bringing in yet another partner.āĀ What could possiblyĀ go wrong?
????Ā Ā
But since D/S relationships, like poly relationships, are still relationshipsĀ itās a trick that never works because adding people doesnāt dilute the original relationship problems.
While the anon frames the problem as entirely the partnerās fault this is actually fairly uncommon in relationships.Ā So I wonāt say the anonās partner is shiftless and lazy.Ā But itās a no-brainer to say heās badly mistaken to think heĀ āneedsā two Subs when heās not successfully managing a relationship with one.
Ethical Non-Monogamy and the “One Penis Policy” – Submissive Feminist
Ethical Non-Monogamy and the “One Penis Policy” – Submissive Feminist
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Oh boy!Ā ThatĀ āone penis policyā thing has been around since the dawn ofĀ āpolyamory.āĀ Except, of course, itās more like polygamy than āpolyamory.ā
Yeah, yeah, there are tons of edge cases, blah, blah, blah.Ā And boundaries and negotiation are perfectly reasonable, normal, and healthy among partners in poly relationships.Ā Ā
But generally speaking,Ā āyou can be naturally romantically and sexually involved with anyone you want except another manā isnāt really keeping with the spirit of the amor part of polyamory.Ā
Again, Iām not saying itās bad or wrong.Ā But I do want to encourage men who find themselves imposing the One Penis Policy on their partners to spend a little time reassessing their qualms, insecurities, knee-jerk responses, and possibly their sense of entitlement and possessiveness as well.
Put it this way: If youāre a one-penis-policyĀ poly man would you accept your partner imposing aĀ āone pussy policyā on you?Ā If so then awesome, good for you!Ā If not then… check that privilege, bubba.
Note: this is way more a defense of real polyamory than a condemnation of bog-standard-vanilla male promiscuity.
Second note: Polyamory is no more aĀ ākinkā than bisexuality.Ā Many or most authentically poly people are also authentically super vanilla.Ā Polyās just a way to have relationships, not a way to have sex.
Third note: AĀ āone pussy policyā is also problematic, itās just not as pervasive.
Final note: For godās sake donāt let a Daddy or Daddy Dom tell you itās ok for Daddies to have lots of Littles but not ok for you to have more than one Daddy.Ā Ā You can agree to it if youāre fine with it.Ā But you also seriouslyĀ donāt have to play along withĀ it if youāre not.