Posts Tagged ‘Rule 5’
Itâs magnificent as porn goes, doing exactly the only thing pornâs really meant for: exposing as much of her as possible while minimizing how much we see of her co-worker.
Thatâs all fine. Theyâre real pros and doing what needs to be done: minimize all necessary contact except for dick and pussy so the cameraâs view isnât obstructed.
But thereâs a difference between sex and porn isnât there? I donât know about you but when weâre having sex I want my whole body to be skin to skin with yours. Because thereâs a hell of a lot more to how sex feels than the end of a dick or the entrance to a vagina, isnât there? Itâs a whole body feeling. Porn never shows us that.
Really captures the joyless labor of porn the way Hoppers painting captured the forlorn loneliness of night life after last call.
Donât do it like they do it in porn.
Itâs a beautiful photo but from on my big monitor itâs clear heâs distracted by something off to his left. Perhaps a cue from the director?
Again, not knocking the photo or anyone whoâs liked or reposted it. I mean I sure wouldnât have noticed if I hadnât first tried to figure out whatâs in his hands. Wasnât till after that I noticed heâs not even paying attentyto the women in front of him.
And I doubt the editor or anyone else but me did either. And As a former professional leather worker I thought he might have been holding a nice whip!
Still. Itâs a good lesson in the difference between real life and porn. And a good reminder not to do it like they do it in porn!
I probably shouldnât be so dour about men halting sex and then wanking themselves porn-style instead of coming the ânormalâ way during sex. Because, to be fair, for about 85% of women wanking after sex is the ânormalâ way to come, isnât it?
And to be even more fair, I suspect this stupid porn trick has done quite a lot to lower rates of unwanted, unplanned pregnancy and (though to a lesser extent) communicable disease transmission.
All the same Iâd rather we put more effort into it the other way. When we have sex I do all I can to make sure you come, using my hands and my mouth and my thigh if youâre going to grind one out.
The stupid porn trick of literally stepping back and jacking away while you sit or kneel or polish your nails because Iâm not touching you at all nor are you touching me?
If thatâs the way we were going to do it, angel, Iâd still want to be lying side by side with you, leg over leg, shoulder to shoulder, and eye to eye while we did it together.
I mean old 20th-Century style âmutual masturbationâ is actually a lovely way to feel good together!
But according to the Porn Gods and, I supposed, at least 3,000 years of gender assumptions, even though you could be enjoying yourself as much as I, youâre supposed to just sit there and be âgratifiedâ with my little spatters. Â
Ugh.
Yuck.
Fuck that shit.
Iâll get you off if youâll get me, ok, sodapop?
One of the nice things about Tumblr banning all âadult contentâ is…
Oh well. One of the nice things about them banning all âadult contentâ is we wonât have to look at stupid-assed porn like this.
Because, I mean seriously, only porn stars fuck with their dicks halfway pulled out and their hands on their hips. Or sprawled sideways with one leg cocked up so thereâs zero contact with her clit. Or either of themm with basically zero body contact because dear god forbid anything get in the way of the sacred camera angle.
Promise me youâll never have sex like they do in porn. Because donât ask me how I know but it doesnât actually feel very good at all.
Ladies I have another question for you….
Whatâs one thing you wish guy did while he was going down ?
Actually suck on the clitoris instead of flicking it with his tongue like how a cat drinks water.
I have so much to learn thelifeofbunches
Go slow. Not everything has to be fast paced and crazy all the time
Hold my thighs. Like grip them, just firm enoughâŠ
Yasss that clit flicking shit is not the wave.
What about sucking on the clit ? thetennesseehoneyy
Fingering at the same time is always nice, but not in and out, find that gspot and massage it why you lick and suck the clit. I will die.
Touch/grab my thighs, my ass, slowly touch down my spine, everywhere, somewhere. Tease me good before you go down & while youâre down there.
Deadass with the thigh thing
Kiss those inner thighs too
Pretend youâre passionately kissing the kitty
Not a cat drinking water
Also donât even do it if you
a)donât like doing it
b)youâre going to do it for 2 secondsI couldnât hit reblog fast enough.
Donât be to shy to open it up and really get the clit. Like if dudes really spread the lips and focused on the clit I would lose my mind
slow down on the flickering thing, that rapid shit isnt pleasurable, slowly running your tongue back n forth tho? Yes.Â
thigh kissing is nice, ass grabbing, thigh gripping, a little passionate teasing takes you far and honestly gets her wetter by the minuteÂ
slow down, take your time at first, dont just dive in, enjoy your meal
that rapid flicking thing doesnt do much for me (i cant speak for every girl) but slow runs across the clit are lovely, just focus on the clit, let your fingers do some work if you get tired or somethingÂ
I dont know about every girl but that mimic-my-dick-with-my-tongue technique doesnt do shitÂ
Notice how theyâve all basically said the same thing? I hope you men pay attention.
Every woman is different but here are the basics to pleasing us.1. Stop the fucking flicking shit.
2. Focus on the CLIT. Suck it, circle it. Engulf it. If she moans, keep doing that.
3. But pls, do visit thighland. Inner thigh licking and kissing will set us on fire.
4. What is this fingering shit? Massage the gspot or get out. We feel nothing with that little stabbing motion. Also, stop sticking your 2 inches of tongue in there. Come back up to the clit.
5. LONG stokes with the tongue.
6. Stop humming. Most of us use vibrators so that little humming trick you learned from GQ will pale in comparison.
7. Speaking of vibes, the reason youâre in our bed is because you can do 1 thing our wands and rabbits canât do. And thatâs grab us. Grab us, squeeze us, we want to feel your hands on our body.
8. If you can reach, grab a titty.
9. Some women are self conscious about how they look/taste/smell down there. Or worry about taking too long to orgasm, so let her know youâre enjoying it. Moan, groan, sound like youâre eating a plate of ribs
10. Do it til we cum or GTFO!
Oh damn ????????????????
Why arenât things compiled and published like this more often??
And more importantly, why arenât we being told this stuff while down there? Esp those of us who love doing it and doing it rightâŠ.. feedback, ladies, when weâre there. Please?
I donât often post shit like this but all of this is important. Guys, you want the goods? Learn to earn it. And please enjoy yourself. If you do it right youâll enjoy the sheer fact that SHEâS enjoying it.
Taking notes for when I feel like putting some natural facial hair growth serum on my face.
Reblogging for awarenessâŠ
Donât be rubbin on the clit like you trying to shine a shoe, itâs very sensitive. To that end, no dry cat-tounges. Slob it down.
If you think blowing on it or in it or anywhere near the pussy does anything for anyone, punch yourself in the face right now
Great facts and mad humorous. Shoot I love what I do and always have a drenched beard. And little to drink but always good to learn new tricks if there where some.
BEST!!!
Well done ladies! ???????? yes work that clit. ????????
Definitely suck on my clit. And start gently, you are neither a cat to flip it nor you are in the rush to catch the bus. And once you find out what I like, stop fucking changing the technique!!. Stick to the one that works, we can experiment some other time!!.
Wonderful, Ladies! Be explicit, we want to make you happy, tell us how! :-)
???????? this is gold!!! Solid gold!!!
Sharing this because everyone should know!
knowledge is power, sharing is caring, etc
Wow. That is alot of valuable feedback right there!!
Rule #1: Donât do it like they do it in porn.
Rule #2: Donât do it like they do it in porn!!!
Rule #3: That stupid tongue-way-out and flicking triple time? They do that in porn.
Rule #4: They do that in porn because if they were licking pussy the right way youâd see a) two thighs and b) the back of a head. In porn they want to see a) pussy and b) as little of the man as possible.
Rule #5: Donât do it like they do it in porn.
Rule #6: Your tongue is not a cock. Sometimes people in porn use their tongues like a cock. But see rules #1-5. Also the second and third sentences of this rule!
Rule #7: Watch how she touches herself. (What, youâve watched how she touches herself, right? If not watch how pretty much _every_ woman touches herself when sheâs legit getting off and not just doing what women do in porn.
Rule #8: Lick her where she touches herself. Because those are the good spots.
Rule #9: Notice how much sheâs fingering inside herself when she touches herself? Yeah, me either usually.
Rule #10: If she does touch herself inside, notice how deep her fingers go? Gene Simmonâs tongue isnât that long, or that strong. See Rule #6.
Rule #11: See her hipbones? See the insides of her thighs almost up by her knees? Unless sheâs ticklish (in which case maybe spend more time kissing face to face and letting her get really warmed up, becauseâŠ
Side Rule #A: Ticklish almost always means not-horny-enough.
Rule #12: Back to Rule #11: Find time to kiss her everywhere between her hipbones and the insides of her thighs almost up to her knees. Then start kissing her kitty.
Rule #13: When sheâs really wound up sheâs very likely to be sensitive everywhere detailed in Rule #11.
Rule #14: Long, soft strokes with the flat of your tongue. From the bottom of her kitty along side her outer lips to the top. Then on the other side.
Rule #15: Which they rarely do in porn. So do that.
Rule #16: gently part her lips with your own lips and tongue and softly slip between her inner lips, tasting her as you go because sheâs going to taste pretty good.
Rule #17: Maybe slurp one of her inner lips between yours, one side at a time, fairly close to the top near her clit, and swirl your tongue on the inside â while gently tugging down just a little bit because that tugs down on her clit a little bit.
Rule #18: Generally speaking donât slide your tongue all the way under her hood because the tip of her clit is sensitive as hell and the top of your tongue is usually pretty rough.
Rule #19: You know how you watched the way she touches herself? Take a minute to think about that again. Bonus points of you remember which side of her clit she favors because almost everyone is more sensitive on one side than the other.
Side Rule #B: For some reason the average womanâs clit is more sensitive on the left side.
Side Rule #C: But goddamn it the woman you are going down on is anything but average! SoÂ
yourÂher mileage may vary!Rule #20: Open your mouth over her clit hood â about as wide as you comfortably can (though watch those teeth) â and then apply gentle suction.
Rule #21: Wetly swirl your tongue alongside the hood of her clit, up past the little fold that hides the tip.
Rule #22: Occasionally slide your tongue back and forth across the top of her clit hood.
Rule #23: If sheâs really aroused youâll start to feel a little âstemâ growing underneath her hood. Thatâs good. Very, very good.
Rule #24: This is a very good time to think carefully about what youâre going to do next. Because when you feel that little stem (her clitâs erect) then you might be able to back off a little bit. And go on a little kissing and licking tour from #12, above. Which might help her keep sailing and also help her from âŠ
Rule #25: If you keep doing the same thing change it up a little, because she can go numb. This will frustrate her at least as much as it will you. Â
Rule #25: If you feel her little stem under her clit hood rise, and if she grabs your head or (especially) if she squeaks âdonât stopâ in a tiny little entirely non-porn way (because Rules all-of-the-above if sheâs really getting off sheâs not likely to sound much like anyone in porn) thenâŠ
Rule #26: DONâT STOP WHAT YOUâRE DOING! Because sheâs going to come if you donât stop. And want to grit her teeth, cry, or possibly kill you if you do.
Rule #27: When sheâs done coming (sheâll let you know by releasing pressure on your head with her hands and/or possibly her thighs) go back to #11 and give her soft, gentle kisses there. Because her inner lips and clit will almost certainly be pretty sensitive.
Rule #28: Climb up along side her and hold and kiss her. (If youâre not sure sheâll like her flavor â many women do but quite a few donât at all â then subtly wipe your face on the sheets on your way up.
Rule #29: I didnât say anything about fucking her afterwards, did I? No I didn not. Sometimes sheâll want to after. Sometimes she wonât. Just like sometimes youâre up for it after sheâs gone down on you and blown your socks across the room and other times you couldnât get it up again for lifeboat room on the Titanic! If not thatâs ok. You can jack off later, just like she rubs one out when youâve capsized after coming. But!
Rule #30: Sheâll remember. And rock your fucking socks next time. Because most guys wonât go down on her at all, and the ones that do think porn is an instruction manual. And so she wonât forget you pulling that thorn out of her paw, and sheâll be a lioness next time. Which might not be that long because many (but not all!) women recover and are ready for a nice round two before all that long at all.
Rule #31: Rule #32, below, is the most important rule of all.
In other words donât be a robot. Sheâs not a robot either. Interact, make eye contact, respond to her like sheâs very likely responding to you! Â
And finally, Rule #33: Donât lick anyoneâs pussy like they do it in porn!
Goodness! I thought Iâd lost this post! Itâs the source of my maybe-cryptic âRule 5âł tag: donât do it like they do it in porn!
Better late than never!
Porn Lies
So⊠porn.
I love porn. Â I find it an incredible resource. Â I use it to learn, for stimulation, for a punchline in my blog. Â
Iâm a 48-year old, relatively well-adjusted, educated woman who recognizes the purpose of porn in my life.
Do I think unlimited, free, 24-hour access to porn is a detriment to society as a whole?
You betcha.
Porn lies. Â Porn is not real.
I donât care if youâre 12, 24, 21, 30, 50 or 75. Â Porn lies.
There are no set dressers in real life. Â No production assistants. Â
There is no one to clean up the mess when accidents happen â and Oh Sweet Baby Jesus! Â Accidents Happen! Â Nope. Â I do the laundry. Â I clean the shit. Â I clean the puke. Â We wash together. Â We have to wake up together and go to church. Â Sex is freaking MESSY. Â Porn is antiseptic and perfect and what? Â
Total fucking bullshit.
Iâm rolling my eyes as I write this:
We fart, we wet fart, we shit.  Things go into us, things go out of us⊠they donât always smell so good coming out.  Hell!  I do my best, but after I enema, the timing isnât right and then the liquid remains spurts out. Gah!  The smells.  Oh Lord. And you know what?  Fuck that noise. Â
I love anal. Â I donât think I should have to enema. Â Roll me over. Â Take me. Â And take your chances or use a condom. Â If it feels good for both of us we should just do it, and not worry about the shame. Porn lies. Â
No oneâs ass looks like that. Â Porn is endless wax, and bleach and filters. Â It is eating gummy bears and endless enemas. Â Let me say it again for the cheap seats. Â PORN ISNâT REAL. Â
We are mammals. Â We have hair. Â It grows in the most inopportune places.
I do not visit the waxer every day. Â Truth be told, Crusoe is lucky if I visit every six weeks. Â It is expensive! Â It is time-consuming. Â I am a single parent with sole custody. Â A waxing appointment is relatively low on the priority list. Â Did I mention it is expensive? Â The woman I pay to wax my chocolate starfish drives a Mercedes SUV. I drive a Ford mom wagon. Hmm. Â Maybe I wasted my education.
Consider this:  maybe your woman is trying to be healthy so sheâs taking a probiotic.  I hope you love her.  Like, really love her and want her to be healthy.  Because her shit does, in fact, stink.  And is (how shall we say)⊠unpredictable.  Love her anyway! Â
Why? Â Because she is your own personal porn star.
Am I writing too much about poop?
Why is it that poop is always the bottomâs responsibility? Â Somehow the shame is all on us?
Again, for the cheap seats: FUCK THAT NOISE.
Last I checked, Masters, Tops, Doms, SirsâŠ. They all poop too.  As a matter of fact, Iâm pretty sure that my nose and lips and mouth are right up in that orifice, so donât act all surprised.
I have never (yes, I used the ânâ word) farted in front of Crusoe. Â Iâve queefed, but that canât be helped. Â I have never actually farted. Â The pain has been unbearable. Â Which is ridiculous!
He farts in front of me with wild abandon.
I should be able to just let one rip.
Alas, thatâs a threshold I havenât been able to cross.
For Peteâs Sake!!!
The ridiculousness of that sentence just hit home with me.
Good Lord. Â
Iâm conjuring a modified rosary just for me: Â âPray that she may fart in front of her Sirâ
Pray for us sinners, one and all.
Oh â and porn lies.
I was searching for another post (damn you Tumblr search engine!) when I came across this gem.
A daily dose of reality. Â
????????????
@his-queen-my-king very well said. Baby girl and I love anal. You know what? Sometimes I flip her Over on her stomach or bend her over and take her sweet asshole. Sex for us is rarely planned.
Whatever happens is normal human body function. She has no body fluids that prevent me from taking baby girl when I want her. I have also bathed in her blood.
She is an outstanding woman and has the same mindset about it as I do.
@k1ng0fbeasts This is a great read. I do have the same mind set. We are Us. We are One. So why would anything come each others body both us. Thatâs what Unconditional Love is. The aftercare.. cleaning each other after is part of it.
@his-queen-my-king let me add that porn gives unrealistic impressions that all women have long legs, thin waist and the perfect firm DD tits with nipples up high.
Their is the unreal expectations that a man should be tall, muscular, have 6 pack abs and 10 inch cock 3â in diameter.
It gives unreal expectations of how a man should treat a woman and what her capabilities are.
I look at porn here on tumblr and other places. I know itâs not real. I know how real men and women are supposed to look. I donât let porn twist my mind into false expectations.
@k1ng0fbeasts And with that ..You are the best I will ever have. You love me for my open mind. My willingness. Most of the Love I have to give to you. Your not going to see that in a Porn. The Aftercare we share will never be in a porn.
We are a LOVE story with a hole lot of Kink.
Thiiiisssss
While weâre at it…
- Porn is supposed to look good
- Sex is supposed to feel good
Choose one
ALSO
Changing diapers 24/7 for five years immunizes a manâs reaction to accidents during ass play. (It also made this D/Lg Daddy extraordinarily appreciative of grownup womenâs pussies and asses.)
OMFG! This is one of the stupidest things about porn! For reasons known only to themselves, international censors are relatively fine with erections but flag any hint of lubrication as obscene. Since almost all porn is distributed internationally, most porn sets keep lots of towels on hand.
Consequently, folks who âlearnâ about sex from porn get freaked out about lubrication.
Meanwhile, know what an older, experienced gentleman does if youâre not wet when he first gently touches your lips? He discretely goes back to kissing you till you are.
Not everybody gets wet right away, just like not all men get hard right away. Even when youâre seriously in the mood and in the moment. (And just because you are wet doesnât mean youâre ready for more.) But oh my god, itâs such a lovely feeling when you are! That first little touch? Mmmmm! Always worth waiting for!
Them camera angles are key
Awesome illustration of why Iâm so emphatic about Rule #5: Donât do it like they do it in porn. Itâs what I mean about the difference between having sex and performing it.
Hereâs the secret: Sex is about making us feel good. Porn is about making other people feel good. Nothing wrong with either. But thereâs one hell of a difference!
I asked about pussy sewing because I saw a video of it and a large group of people in the comments who were talking how its the only way for a slave to completely submit to a master and how slaves who refuse do it are fake, and few that said pussy sewing should be done to every female, so I got very confused and disgusted by it. And no, I am definitely not for it, I almost throw up when I saw it.
I have the same reaction if I see it.
Jesus! Who makes this shit up? Thereâs not even a rule that a Slave has to call their partner âMaster!â So who the actual fuck thinks needles and thread are necessary?
No need to guess where this idea comes from, by the way. Of course there would be a video! This is what happens when newbies get all their information from âBDSMâ sites like Kink.com that cater mainly to knee-squeezingly anxious rubberneckers, incels, and other hetero-anxious misogynists.
Yeah. Iâm sure there are videos. And yes, Iâm sure theyâre enormously popular among the Johnny Knoxville crowd. But no, thatâs not the only way to âcompletely submitâ to a master, no, a Slave who wonât put up with that shit isnât âfake.â And no, donât confuse porn with sex education!
Honestly, kids, Iâve heard some stupid ideas about sex in my too-long life, but this is literally and figuratively the stupidest thing Iâve ever, ever, ever heard!
Ahahah! Pussy sewing as the only way? Ahahahahah! What a bunch of Grade-A newbie trolls!
And fuck all those assholes at Kink.com and their wannabe knockoffs.
Update – Hereâs the bottom line about being any kind of bottom in kink: itâs got to be for your erotic or sexual satisfaction. Sadomasochism and Master/Slave can be a little tricky since sometimes bottoms really donât enjoy themselves during their sessions… but make themselves come over and over and over while anticipating or reliving their experiences. So in that sense theyâre still getting satisfaction from their experience.
So if the idea of having your pussy sewn shut by your Master floats your boat? Awesome! (Though good luck finding an experienced, non-fake Master willing to do it.) On the other hand if (like almost all Subs, Masochists, and Slaves and like almost all Doms, Sadists, and Masters) the very idea leaves you dead cold? Then that would be show-stopping boundary #1, wouldnât it?
This is something you wonât get from bullshit âBDSMâ porn – you have to want to do it. And you have to feel gratified and satisfied when you do. Otherwise itâs not kink, itâs abuse and/or codependence. Those are not the same things.