Posts Tagged ‘touch yourself for me’

I’m going to push back very gently and say no, it’s not your fault.  Not mainly anyway.  We’ll get to your part in a minute but let’s get something else out of the way first.  Vanilla or kinky our partners should be at least as interested in our pleasure in general and our orgasms in particular.  

This isn’t quite the same as the old 1970s “she comes first” mantra because that assumed that a) men’s orgasms can be taken for granted and b) you’re not to worry your pretty little head about him.  Instead it’s ok for you to learn… and ask what gets him off too.  Which is a nice seque into…

If someone asks me what gets me off it’s only polite to ask what gets her off.  That’s a good time for me to admit that I have a tough time coming from oral, for instance.  That I last a lot longer when I’m on the bottom.  That I rarely come too quickly but if I grab their hips and growl “hold. perfectly. still” then I’m dangerously close but not ready.  And that that way I’ll have a lovely mini-orgasm (with no ejaculation) and then I’ll usually good to go again for as long as we like.

And that’s a good time for them to let me know what they want and need.

It’s actually really sexy flirtation play.  Builds anticipation like crazy.  (It’s a good time to talk about boundaries and hard and soft limits too, which can also be crazy erotic when you’re both into the back and forth of negotiations.)

Point being that if they don’t ask you to get the conversation going by asking them.

Now.  About you.

You say you need very specific hand movements.  If you were my sweetie I’d be totally intrigued!  And want to learn.  And not to play the (socially-constructed!) gender card but boys and men are generally fascinated with learning new and better techniques.  Not everyone’s a gamer but think about how many hours they’ll spend learning the right twitches and fingering to master a guitar lick or a video game move.  So I’m going to be a little judgmental and suggest that only a genuinely sullen clod wouldn’t be interested in mastering making you come.

So in that sense, yes, it kind of is your fault if you don’t let him know what skills to master to… well… master your orgasms.

Note: very few people in general and maybe even fewer men would object to watching and learning if you’re bold enough to show them how you do it.

Also, who says it’s less attractive if your legs are tensed?  It’s actually… really, very, seriously common to need to tense them.  Men and women both have tendons in our legs that “tug” on our deep inner bits – the anchors of the penis (which aren’t really reachable any other way) and the “legs” or crus of the clitoris.  So chances are most partners have felt or seen their partners’ legs stiffen when they’re close.

Remember that people in porn aren’t really coming.  They’re acting!  Which brings us to two points that are pretty important:

1) who says it’s not really sexy when your legs tense when you’re close to coming?  Or your face?  People look “funny” when they’re coming.  Only it’s fucking beautiful!!!!  OMG it’s so hottttt!!!

2) We get two choices during sex: we can look good or feel good.  In porn the choice is obvious, but then the actors are at work.  They’re sex workers who’s job it is to make you come.  Nothing wrong with that but their incentive is to make beautiful faces and graceful body movements and (ghastly, fake) “sexy” noises.  Not to actually have real orgasms because objectively/dispassionately speaking real orgasms aren’t all that interesting.  Only who can be dispassionate or objective when they’re madly horny and about to come themselves?  Or about to give their partner one of the coolest, biggest physical rushes that don’t involve sneezing?  (Note: people look similarly “unusual” when they sneeze but we mostly don’t notice unless we happen to be photographing them.  

I’m just going to repeat that if you were my sweetie I’d be delighted to learn what hand movements you needed to get off.  (It might not even be that different from what a lot of other women need, or men for that matter.)  And I’d be far more turned on than distracted if you got more and more tense the closer you got.  And for the record, the little shivers after you come?  Where you kind of come in for a landing and sort of chuckle at the delicious absurdity of what we were just doing?  That’s solid, bonding, “brothers or sisters in arms” relationship gold.

Take a chance.  So much of sex is vulnerability.  Physical.  Emotional.  It’s messy.  And awkward.  And feels wonderful!  

You know that meme “dance like nobody’s looking?”  Come like nobody’s looking too.  Your partner may not have his eyes open either! 

You deserve to come.  Your partner deserves for you to let him make you come too.

Best of luck, from the bottom of my heart.

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