Aftercare is not optional. It’s the icing on the cake.
In many ways it’s the best part.
Remember, after this time is the foundation for the next time.
Can’t get over how good it feels reading @tru2bkind’s perspective on topping. And her way of pulling her Dominant perspective into typically-gendered images.
Plus her lovely insights into the importance of things like aftercare.
“Remember, after this time is the foundation for the next time!” That’s just good Topping 101!
Makes me so happy because women who are Doms, not “dommes,” and men who are Subs but not sissified are so underrepresented in kink culture.
So I’m happy as can be to add her to my old-school blogroll tag!
Ok, I hate the word “aftercare” because it implies it’s not part of the scene. (A holdover notion, no doubt, from when it was assumed sex was “over” when the man ejaculated.) And tbh I’d say there’s plenty of bonding going on before and during a scene too.
But the sentiment is too sweet to quibble with. It puts the bond in bondage? That’s not just true, awesome, or important, it’s also totally fucking adorable!
We had all these plans and I was excited. Even got a new paddle to try out. He warmed me up slowly with hand spanks first. I started to cry but that was normal- at least I thought. Somehow they must have sounded different to him.
“Are you ok, baby?” he asked, rubbing my warm bottom with his big hand.
“O, O yes- um-sure. I love it all,” I gulped, and slithered to my knees so he could tie my hands behind me.
“Alright, here comes the rope,” he said. I could feel it go around my wrists. Gentle but confining. At the first tug I burst into louder tears. Deep, racking sobs. Immediately he tossed the rope aside and pulled me into his arms.
“Baby, what’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” He held me to his chest as I sobbed and sobbed.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know why this is happening. I really wanted to do all this and we waited and I love your spanks and I’m sorry and it’s allsobadandIcan’thelpit…” My words were muffled against his chest as he rocked me to and fro, stroking my hair. “It’s ok, baby,” he kept saying, soothingly, and gradually I calmed down.
We sat there for a few minutes while he talked with me.
“Can we start again, please?” I asked. He shook his head.
“No, baby, spanks is not what you need tonight. No fucking either. You need something else.” With that he led me to the bathroom and began running a shower. I was a little frantic.
“But…you waited almost a week and I don’t want to disappoint you? I’m so sorry.” He took my face in his hands and kissed me.
“It’s not about that, baby. It’s about taking care of you. Now, get in the shower with me.” In there he took his time. Washing my hair, holding me, asking questions about work and school. After a bit it came spilling out- the overtime, my Dad was sick, I was worried about the midterm, couldn’t afford to go to my cousin’s wedding- small things that just built up over time. He listened and nodded through it all, even to drying my hair and putting jammies on me.
“You’ve just been dealing with too much, sweetie,” he said as we curled up under the sheets. “And it came barreling out all at once.”
“But usually spanks help that.” I was very confused.
“You’re right, they do. But not tonight. It’s ok. That’s my job to know that, to help you,” I looked at him with big eyes. “Now, I want you to roll over and just relax, feel me pet you.” Reluctantly I rolled to my side, still feeling guilty that we hadn’t played.
“I’m so sorry, Daddy,” I whispered into the air.
“There’s no sorry, baby girl. Just focus on my hand. Feel me touch you. Breathe.” I closed my eyes and tried to do as he said.
He stroked my hair away from my forehead so slowly, the best feeling. Then down to my neck and back up, again and again. Gently, tenderly. I could feel the stress melt away, the inner tears dissolve. His hands were light and warm, molding to my head, hovering over my ears. I could feel his solid chest behind me.
“Now say after me, very softly. Daddy loves me.”
Eyes still closed, I repeated in a whisper. “Daddy loves me.”
“Daddy will take care of me.”
“Daddy will take care of me.”
“That’s it, darling. Now just go to sleep. I have you.”
There’s a misnomer that aftercare is a “reward” for the sub after she has performed correctly, doing x y z in a scene. Although aftercare is definitely rewarding, it is not a carrot/stick type of situation. Life happens. People have feelings and emotions. Even if your sub isn’t in the mental space to do what you had originally planned, that is no reason to separate from her. In fact, that is more of a reason to be present and take care of her. Be a human being first, a Dom second.
And that last paragraph. That right there, that’s the meat and potatoes. We are human first and our titles/roles second.
That last paragraph for sure! It would be weird as well as rude if “aftercare” was only a reward for getting it “right.” It’s relationship care, not a reward for good sex.
Big hats off to @theropegeek for capturing the little get hearted reality so beautifully. Aftercare is sweet and cuddly and rewarding and responsible and mutual. Serious but not because it’s a “solemn civic duty” sort of thing. It’s not like going to church when you’re not religious, it’s spending important time with your sweetie when they need you and you need them.
Well, I can’t presume to speak for anyone but myself, but I personally love giving aftercare. Dom Followers, chime in here!
Actually my favorite part.
You’re both more appreciative of the softness after a little violence.
honestly, if I felt like the aftercare I received was obligatory, or that my Dom was doing it because he felt like he “had to”? and believe me, I would pick up on that shit like whoa.
I wouldn’t even want it.
“Aftercare” and “foreplay” are such bizarre notions once you think about it. It’s part of sex. Sex! What’s not to like?
By Thomas Oldenough | August 1, 2018 | Comments Off on Could you please give some tips for a Sadist and a masochist who are also a Daddy Dom and a little girl please? Daddy has a hard time being sadistic because he’s so caring.
That guilt is something that I used to have a hard time with. Understanding that a masochist has the need to receive pain in the same way as I have a need to give it helped me. Practice and good aftercare are key.
A couple of tips for nice Daddies who are also sadists, especially when their partners are good Littles who are also masochists.
#1: remember it’s a game you both like to play
#2: you know how when you’re feeding an actual child you might say things like “I know you don’t like beets but three just three more bites and you’ll be alllll done?” With D/Lg rough play how about something like “ooh, that one was a big ouchie one wasn’t it? Three more and Daddy’ll kiss it and make it alll better.”
#3: “I know it hurts but if you don’t keep counting Daddy’s going to stop.”
#4: For things like rubber band snaps ask where the next one ought to go. If he’s reluctant a masochistic Little can say “I can I have the next one here, Daddy?”
#5: Everybody pull up their grown-up pants and talk about it. Even better to talk about it when you’re not playing. But let your Sadist know that you like feeling sore the next day, or you feel better if you can have a good cry, or say “I don’t sound like it of course but I really like it when…” (Obviously don’t say things that aren’t true. But have a real conversation about what you want, need, and/or enjoy as a masochist.)
#6: Especially with more reluctant sadists it’s good to let them know what your limits are. Not because you’re afraid they’ll cross the line but so they’ll know how far they can go without crossing it.
#7: Sadists, Doms, and other tops need safewords too. Remind him it’s not going to break your mood if he checks in. (Well, unless it does break your mood, but if he communicates with vocabulary appropriate to your age in Little space, and makes it part of the Daddy patter, I bet it won’t.)
#8: Daddies need “aftercare” too (I don’t like that word because, really, winding down a part of a scene is by-definition still part of the scene!) Promise him that he’ll get to cuddle you after and you’ll cuddle him too.
Note: We often say that the recipient needs “aftercare,” and forget that the attentive rituals and comforting contact the top their bottom is just as much “aftercare” for them as it is for you.
Comments Off on Could you please give some tips for a Sadist and a masochist who are also a Daddy Dom and a little girl please? Daddy has a hard time being sadistic because he’s so caring.
Would dommes think less of their boy/sub if they cried after really good sex? Asking for a friend…
Not at all. Sub drop is a thing. Huh them and tell them they did wonderful. Make sure that everything is fine. Ask if there’s something that you could be doing better. Get them some water and tissues and just hold them.
I’m not a real Dom but I’ve topped quite a few submissives and I’ll just say that if your Sub has a nice cathartic cry after sex then you’ve been doing a good job. And so have they. Nicely done!
I’ll just add that your job as a top isn’t done till the tears stop.
Don’t forget: “aftercare” isn’t something you do after sex – it’s still sex!
Do you want me to get dressed/take the collar off/put the crop away?
Do you want to talk about it?
I’m here
You’re not a bad person
Top drop/dom drop usually comes from shock, guilt or insecurity about the way you have just treated someone whose well-being you care about very much. Like sub drop, it is usually accompanied by a fall in endorphins and general energy levels. Especially for aces (who I find have a greater need to be in the right mindset/’zone’ for play and intimacy), a ‘snap’ moment where you break out of play mode can throw you emotionally, and the end of play causes a similar reassessment or double-take at what happened during the scene.
Dominants in drop require the same kind of care as subs, but a different kind of reassurance.
I’m one of those who needs this sometimes
Yes please! Because, seriously, I only do horrible, painful, degrading, humiliating things to people I like, admire, and care for and about quite a bit. And it doesn’t matter that I also only do sweet, friendly, sensual, and funny things with them too. Often in the same evening. (It goes without saying they’ll be orgasmic things too because fairness and fetish, but I digress.)
So, yeah, when I’m coming down out of… what do you even call the opposite of subspace anyway… superspace? Hyperspace? Topspace? I dunno. But when I’m coming down out of it I seriously need to be giving “aftercare” (or as I like to call it, the rest of sex) every bit as much as my partner needs to receive it.
To a big thank you to @asexual-domme for the list. Those things? If you’re happy with what you and your top did together? Do those things with them. With us. It makes a difference.
