Posts Tagged ‘real littles / fake littles’
Why spanking has never seemed like that big of a âkink.â
It makes sense that weâd get pleasure out of that kind of rhythmic contact.
That said it also suggests that spanking as non-kink punishment is really, really fucked up!
From time to time folks point out, somewhat correctly, that so much of power kink involves sexualizing traditional gender and especially patriarchal oppression.
Iâd like to turn that on its head. Impact play on the buttocks, kneeling, nudity, bondage, ass play, hair pulling, oral sex, and all the other activities and positions we associate with dominant and submissive sex are actually just normal things human beings enjoy when weâre in heat. Sort of like deer or goats clash their antlers when theyâre (literally!!!!!) horny and mostly just eat plants and avoid predators the rest of the year.
Looking at it this way whatâs really fucked up isnât that we sexualize patriarchy and oppression, itâs that weâve patriarchalized sex!
Forcing a child to present their buttocks for striking is painful and humiliating precisely because the ass is an erogenous zone, because impact on the buttocks is stimulating, and because presenting buttocks is one of the ways humans invite their partners to penetrate their vaginas and anuses. And yet the child is coercively subjected to this sexualized experience by individuals who are neither wanted nor appropriate.
Forcing a vassal or prisoner to prostrate themselves or to kneel is humiliating because thatâs perverting the sensible position one must be in if one wishes to take their loverâs genitals in their mouth. Â
Letâs not even start with the subversion of deference behind calling non-sexual partners âsirâ or âmam!â
And so on.
The point isnât really that BDSM is a perversion of patriarchal behavior. Instead patriarchy has perverted so many normal erotic behaviors by turning them into non-sexualized, non-consenting secular forms of oppression.
Iâm dead serious about this by the way. The early, truly radical feminists who radicalized me argued persuasively that we literally couldnât recognize and literally couldnât imagine what our relationships would be like once patriarchy was smashed. They also argued, correctly, that patriarchy is so deeply ingrained that it may be impossible to completely untangle ourselves from it. So when I raise crazy-sounding challenges like this – that rather than D/S playing off of patriarchy that patriarchy instead perverts and subverts normal human sexuality I… Iâm sorry but I donât think Iâm being all that crazy!
Iâd just add that Iâm trying to subvert the patriarchy when I argue, as I often do, that itâs weird that D/S is so gendered, or that itâs weird that we donât see more women dominating men or men submitting to women (in non-âsissyâ ways), or when I wonder why more Doms donât demand that their subs erotically spank or choke them. Weâve got maybe 90-95% of the same nerve endings, anatomy, and chromosomes, brain structures. Odd then, isnât it, that we choose to include or exclude how we stimulate each other based on gender?
Today on âWHY ARE MENâ.
(Ahaha. Men do this, sure, but not just men!) Yeah, that notion that men are âautomaticallyâ dominant and women âautomaticallyâ submissive is another one of those tropes thatâs got to go!
Social experiment: Thereâs a well-researched phenomenon where when people buy a model of car thatâs new to them they âsuddenlyâ notice how many other people have the same car. Welp, same thing with kinks. So hereâs that experiment:
For a week try on the idea that equal numbers of men and women are naturally Dominant, and equal numbers are naturally Submissive. Instead of noticing all the men who might be Dominant, or women who might be Submissive (easy, default, the stereotyped assumption) keep an eye out and start asking which people are Dominant or Submissive.
If you donât like it then after a week you can go back to living in your comfortable stereotypes and cultural biases. Itâs ok, really – chances are good youâve spent your whole life living that way, and so chances are good nothing bad will happen to you if you never stop thinking âDom = has a dickâ and âSub = has a pussy.â Really!
But once you start looking you might start seeing! And might start having better luck in your relationships if you happen to be a Dom or Sub of any sex or orientation.
So yesterday my “daddy” let me go hang out with one of my friends.. he gave me some medical candy for my migraine cause we didnt have it to go get ourselves… but It is effecting me badly and I KNOW by how I feel there was more than should have in candy… and I don’t wanna tell said daddy cause I know how he will react …. idk what to do… and the one person I wanted flat out said they cant be there… help…
Okay, Iâm only guessing hereâŠ.
Your friend I think is the one that gave you the âcandyâ for your headache because your Daddy didnât have it at the time⊠is that correct?Â
You should tell your Daddy what happen so that he can watch over you and see if any other side effects occur from this tainted piece of âcandyâ.
You should let your Daddy take care of you and let him talk to this so called friend, see if the friend knew about the âcandyâ having any extras added in or not before anything else happens. Then you need, along with your Daddy, to figure out is this friend should be in your life anymore because if they knew that the âcandyâ had extras and didnât tell you, that is no fucking friend to you at all!
Remember, good girls are honest with their Daddy, and in this case, you should be really honest with him so he can protect you.Â
To paraphrase @instructor144 Â âEverybody wants to be a Little till itâs time to do grownup shit.â
Also! Â
D/Lg notwithstanding, when youâre talking about uncomfortable or bad consequences of consuming drugs of any kind (maybe just pot, maybe even proper prescription medication) then itâs time to step out of âlittle girlâ land, pull up your grown-up pants and use real words.
âMy partner let me hang out with one of my friends. I had a migraine and my friend gave me something because I didnât want to go get what I usually/reliably take. Itâs affecting me badly and Iâm pretty sure it wasnât what my friend said/thought it was. I had or am having a bad reaction and the one person who can usually help me isnât available.â
Put it in that perspective and that last bit where the straight talk is âso Iâm asking a total stranger on the internet what to doâ becomes even more WTF!!!
You know what you do when you take a bad drug? Â
- You donât call it âcandy.â Not even if youâre a goddamn meth addict – you can lie to yourself but you canât lie to your metabolism.
- You call poison control and try to identify what was in the substance you took
- Even better, you go to an urgent care clinic, your doctorâs office, or the emergency room and say youâre having an adverse drug reaction.
You can call your partner whatever you like when everythingâs hunky-dory, but when youâre in medical trouble you call your partner and tell them whatâs going on. No double talk. No baby talk. No euphemisms. And no goddamn anonymously trying to hook random strangers on Tumblr into your drama or your responsibility.
If you canât grow up when you need to youâre not a Little youâre an out-of-control wreck.
Hint: âThe Bitch in Apartment #23?â Out of control trainwreck, not a Little!
âBratty subs and littlesâ make a lot more sense once consider that maybe theyâre actually Doms and their nominal âdaddiesâ and âdomsâ are their Subs.
Because that âgets what I wantâ doesnât really fly with me, pugsley.
as a rule, you should never initially approach someoneâs inbox like this.
but if you do? this is how it should go.
Hereâs the thing. Even if youâre looking for something more than someone to rub one off to to while roleplay sexting, you donât come on as if thereâs already a relationship there thatâs not.
Even if the person youâre approaching isnât clearly in a committed relationship. Â
Donât call someone âgood girlâ till theyâve let you know theyâre interested. Donât start with âHi, Daddy.â Not a dick pic. Not a pussy pic either.
Yes, itâs brave to make contact – takes more courage than most recipients can possibly understand! And often when you make contact youâre already horny, or lonely, maybe a little high or drunk, or maybe youâve just said âfuck it, maybe theyâre the one.â Â
But youâve still gotta be a person first. People, then play. Just works better that way.
Even if you just start out by resending one of their own posts or reposts and add âoh my god, this gets me every time, thank you for posting it!â And see what they say. Â
Sometimes they might not respond. Itâs probably not personal. They might be involved. They might be busy. They might be even more shy than you are! They might get 300 similar messages a day. They might only post when theyâre depressed, or have insomnia, or to share with their partner while theyâre away.
Lots of reasons that arenât personal. Â
Which is why personal messages are so much more likely to get through than âgood girl, want to hear a naughty storyâ or âHi Daddy, want to see my heinie.â
For the record what sheâs doing? Thatâs topping.  Coaxing, edging, sympathizing or taunting our partners as they beg but never relenting, teasing with absurdly feathery touches or licks, and ultimately owning your partner till you finally, finally, finally allow them to burst? Yeah, that.
We get so tied up in mainstream and âtraditionalâ gender and kink stereotypes we overlook the dynamics literally right in front of our faces.
âOh, youâre on your knees so you must be submitting.â Heh!
Now obviously one (literal) swallow does not a summer make. But if you find yourself in this kind of situation more often than not, congratulations! You may be a switch, at least and might be a top!
The Dom (read: person) who wants you will show you. âPlaying hard to getâ is so worn out. If they arenât real with you or donât make an effort, ditch them. Youâll be better off for it.
In sports or games there can be ruthless competition on the field or at the board or on the controllers. But it would be weird if you werenât able to say âgood gameâ afterwards, ask about the family, go out and have pizza, or kiss and make up.
Itâs the same goddamn thing in kink! Playing hard to get? That can be an awesome component of teasing play, humiliation or degradation play, denial play, etc. Actually being hard to get? Just dicking someone around though? Fuck that shit and fuck them too.
Dom (read: person.)Â Sub (read: person) D/S (read: relationship!)
If thereâs no âyou were awesome, letâs go get ice creamâ after playing, even playing hard, then, yeah, ditch them. Youâll definitely be better off for it.
Since I think (socially constructed) gender is an enormous mistake Iâd consolidate this into âallow boys and girls their full range of self-expression instead of forcing them to amputate any thoughts, feelings, or behavior that doesnât fit YOUR bullshit distinctions.
Men donât have a âfeminine side,â women donât have an âinner male.â Donât let YOUR condescending lack of imagination force them to accept your âvalidationâ of them being who they actually are.
Are boys and girls a little different? Sure. Thank goodness too. The differences are fun!
But trying to slap made up shit on them to help _exaggerate_ those differences? Make them question their obvious differences by adding criteria like itâs ok for boys to be âfeminineâ and cry or for girls to be âmasculineâ and spit in the grass? Why the fuck would you even do that?
Dear @faculty, My significant other is specifically submissive (albeit bratty) and has only ever known Psuedo Doms. I have more dominant tendencies, however having been in abusive relationships myself, my mentality leans more toward being compassionate. I place heavy importance on aftercare. My question would be; is there such thing as a vanilla Dom? After calling a few other men Dom’s, would she be able to understand that being a Dom doesn’t not equate to physical abuse and self labelling?
Looks like this was meant to go to @the-faculty so Iâll tag the team and hope they chime in with their thoughts.
I love this question so much! And âvanilla Dom?â Awesome term!
Sometime last year I mentioned that in a lot of the really compatible, smoothly-running D/S relationships Iâve seen the actual sex can be as vanilla as tapioca pudding. This may be even more common in D/Lg as not all Littles or their Caregivers are sexual in little space.
The thing is that BDSM is an alphabet, not an acronym. There can be bondage in a D/S or D/Lg relationship, and/or there can be sadism and masochism too. But just because the letters run together doesnât mean itâs all the same thing.
My favorite counterexample is cheerful Sadists and gleeful Masochists whoâs play is all about challenge and endurance and nothing at all about punishment, structure, rules, or restraint. (Heh!)
Or a couple I know where sheâs the most shy, demure, and almost submissive personality, and heâs big and loud and exuberant. And while theyâre holding hands she, the sadist, will solemnly press her fingernail, hard, into his thumbnail, or fold his pinky finger and squeeze the knuckles – both of which sound subtle but can be excruciating – and he smiles fondly at her… and melts into a little puppy-dog puddle.
Point, again, is that a lot of âPseudo Domsâ (another good term) are likely either sadists (nothing intrinsically wrong with that) or inconsiderate, abusive assholes (everything wrong with that!)Â
Now of course most people arenât pure Doms or Masochists or rope tops, or furries. When it comes to kink thereâs lots of mixing and matching. So if you and she like spanking, or caning, or writing lines, or orgasm denial then great! You can incorporate that into a D/S or D/Lg relationship. But one does not automatically follow from the other.
I think a lot of the unhappiness that shows up in kink (hmm, and vanilla too!) comes from stereotypes about how things âshouldâ go. My most graphic example is the old stereotype from the 20th Century was that gay men were also transvestites. Nope. Not feeling âauthenticâ made a hell of a lot of non-transvestite gay men pretty unhappy back in the 20th Century! We have similar stereotypes that Doms have to be sadists and Subs have to be masochists. Also nope. Â
For myself I spent years thinking I was a really shitty Dom. And in a way I was because, seriously, Iâm not a Dom! Instead Iâm a full-blown Daddy with a little sadism and bondage top thrown in. Once I figured that out Iâve been incredibly happy. But enough about me.
Find out who and what you really are, toss what you arenât, and youâre going to find way more fulfillment. So will your partners.
On Bratty Subs: They Might Be Doms!
So as youâve probably noticed Iâm often…
- Annoyed at the assumption that D/S is gendered with Doms = men and Subs = women
- Convinced that Doms and Subs are distributed pretty evenly through the population regardless of sexual identity
- Sure the stereotypical âsissifiedâ men weâre most often shown to are only one minor type of male Sub. And not a very representative one.
- Sure the âfemdomâ or âdominatrixâ women weâre most often shown are only one type of female Dom. And not a very representative one.
- Confident there are therefore a lot of âmissingâ men who are Subs and women who are Doms…
And so my ongoing inquiry into where are all the missing Doms and Subs?
Iâm motivated by this in part by the observation that when itâs safe for people to come âoutâ about their sexuality itâs actually incredibly healthy for them. Mental health and social acceptability are actually fairly well connected. Conversely, people who are either consciously or unconsciously âin the closetâ have tendencies toward both anti-socially and self-damaging behavior.
Walking home from the grocery store the other day, thinking about kink as Iâm inclined to do, I was pondering one of the perpetual D/S DD/Lg complaints about âBratty Subs.â
You probably know what Iâm talking about. Constantly testing and challenging their tops. Pushing back. Insisting things go this way or that. Often seriously unhappy.  âTopping from the bottom.â Not following rules and often making demands of their Doms or Daddies and generally… behaving in ways that… suspiciously resemble things that Doms do!
Meanwhile, a reasonable number of Doms and (especially!) Daddies seem drawn to bratty subs, respond to their endless tantrums and demands, endlessly modify their behavior to satisfy their bratty subs, and frequently apologize left and right to them too. Hmm… in other words they behave in ways that suspiciously resemble things that Subs do!
Meanwhile…
- Actual Doms and Daddies have approximately zero patience with bratty subs.
- Actual Subs and Littles often have little or no patience with servile doms and daddies.
Hmm…
How âbout that stereotyped assumption that âDom / Daddy = gendered manâ and âSub / Little = gendered woman?â Sounds a Little shakier now, hmm?
The problem with stereotypes, you know, is that even people being stereotypes feel pressure to conform to them. They might not like it. And if theyâve got consciousness / are woke theyâre going to push back. But in the absence of out counter examples most people try and go with what they think is expected of them.
So if you just âknowâ all Doms and Daddies are men and all Subs and Littles are women then… you may just go through life imagining youâre just a bratty Sub, or maybe a pushover Dom or Daddy.
And in case youâre wondering, yes, Iâm still a soft Daddy, and Iâm not a Dom. But no, Iâm not a closet Sub. Ahaha! No. I enjoy topping to much. Iâll listen to your ideas and sympathize with your frustrations, and Iâll dote on you as only a Daddy can. But Iâm gonna OWN your cute little butt, half pint!
And while I can be patient with cranky Littles (because everyone gets cranky) Iâve got roughly zero patience for demanding, bossy, whiny, my-way-or-the-highway brats! Ahahah. Nope. Also, while I can be endlessly patient with someone whoâs unable or unwilling to control their behavior in terms of kink Iâm not into spanking, fucking, or otherwise interacting sexually someone I have to âreasonâ with,â fight with, or legitimately discipline to get them to settle down. Do, again, nope!
Which, see above, makes sense! Since Iâm a fucking top Iâm not terrifically turned on by anyone whoâs trying to top me! ????????????
But enough about me!
If tops keep telling you youâre a shitty sub? Try on that maybe youâre actually a top! And if youâre horrified by the prospect of wearing those goddamn thigh-high leather âdominatrixâ boots and Weimar-era-Germany eye makeup and whipping sissyboys? But itâs cool, so are most other women Doms! Thatâs the Tumblr porn stereotype, sure. But there are hundreds of other ways to be a Dom that donât involve pegging your partner with a strapon while he hollers âmistress, mistress may I come on your feet!â
Think about it. Â
There are as many women who are Doms as there are ones who are men. If youâre not happy as a âsub?â hey, you might be a lot happier taking charge, laying down the law, and riding your big, Daddy Subâs cock like a prize racehorse!Â
Think outside the box. You might make everybody happier! Even yourself!
(Note: in this context âbratty subâ should not be confused with regular Subs or Littles who are just mischief makers, scamps, scalliwags, or imps. Thereâs a very big difference between âannoying pain in the assâ and âadorable!â)