Posts Tagged ‘Daddy not Dom’
What are qualities in a man that makes you think “I want to dom him” vs. “I want to be dommed by him”?
I wish there was like a check off list so it’ll be easy to answer. 🤔
Honestly, this is a complicated question and my answer may not be a popular one.
I guess I seek socially dominant males with strong personalities. If that makes any sense. They are assertive and tend to learn from people, tend to be natural leaders and get what they want based on social queues and that type of thing is an A++ in my book. Like, get to fucking know me and how I like to be talked to and I would lick the dirt off your boots if you asked.
Aggressively dominant males are like “my way or the highway” and that’s a fucking turn off. Just no. Eww
As far as me topping someone. I look for people that want to please, who are eager to learn from me, who are service oriented and voluntarily allow or offer for me to make decisions for them. Genuinely being excited and happy about pleasing me is such a turn on.
Thanks for the ask. This got me really thinking.
One of the reasons I feel so comfortable as a non-Dom Daddy is that I’m actually pretty terrible at being either a socially-dominant or aggressive Dom. I also enjoy pleasing and serving in the very limited sense of helping you decide what you need, want, and enjoy (in that order) and then making it happen… a kind of collaboration that Littles tend to appreciate more than most capital-S Submissives.
Socially dominant: “you’ll wear the pink glass plug as we’ll be taking a rather long walk.”
Aggressively dominant: “you’ll wear the jeweled plug and I don’t want to hear any complaining while we’re out.”
Me: “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather have the pretty pink glass plug, kittycat? Yes, the jeweled plug is sparklier but it’s not as comfortable and we’ll be walking a long time. You get to choose but once we leave there won’t be anywhere you can take it out.”
In each case you end up with a plug in your cute little butt, but a non-Dom Daddy’s going to approach it pretty differently, isn’t he?
I have the biggest size kink- if you’re a foot taller than me you’re obligated to throw me across the room
… you’re obligated to pick me up and give me a ride on your back*
D/S vs D/Lg play in a nutshell! 😂
Actually both are fun aren’t they, soupdumpling?
Can I be your begging bitch? Will you use all my holes and show me where I belong to?
You could, and I might, but you might not enjoy it. Because after all your begging and all my using, and after cleaning you up with warm, soft washcloths between comforting kisses, you’d end up where you belonged: curled up with my arm around you and your head on my chest, getting your nose booped till you giggle.
Spanking and “Good” vs “Naughty” Clichés
An older, experienced gentleman understands that if it’s not for punishment, spanking a good girl can make her want to be very naughty, can’t it, spindrift?
I’m a young girl who has never tried out the d/s lifestyle, but the way you write makes me want to be yours ???? haha thank you for being you!
That’s so sweet of you! Though to be honest if you were “mine” you still might not get the full D/S lifestyle. I certainly enjoy topping, and I’ve got a little side of playful sadism that comes out with cheerful masochists. But I’m mostly a regular D/Lg Daddy and pretty terrible at the capital-D Discipline part of D/S. So I’m afraid you’d spend at least as much time in my lap as over it.
Though you would spend time over it. ????
Thank you so much for your kind words!
Would you mind expanding on, “I’m not a Daddy Dom”…”I’m just a D/Lg Daddy”?
I keep meaning to answer this! Sorry for the long delay!
My short answer is that Doms are often assumed to be Sadists or that Subs are assumed to be Masochists, even though D/S and S&M are pretty separate kinks. There can be overlaps for sure. But just as there are Subs who hate pain, and Doms who see needing to punish as failure on their part, there are Sadists who’d never consider demeaning their partners and Masochists who’d eat your face for breakfast if you tried to boss them around.
That’s not to say there aren’t Subs who like pain or Doms who, say, like bondage. But when they do it’s because their kinks overlap, not because one implies the other. BDSM is an “alphabet” not a single thing.
Similarly…
If you’ve been around the kink-o-sphere you’ve probably heard a lot of references to “Daddy Doms.” And usually the short-hand you see for that kink is “DD/lg.” And if you look up definitions you’ll usually find someone (usually a D/S Dom) say that DD/Lg is a “subset” of D/S, with the Daddy as the Dom and the Little as a Sub.
That’s fine as far as it goes. A lot of people assume any kind of BDSM involves a Dom and a Sub. And there are similarities between D/S and D/Lg.
Both usually have some elements of power exchange, often with the Little deferring to their Daddy in matters both sexual and non-sexual.
But despite a few superficial similarities, it’s more accurate to say that D/Lg sometimes overlaps D/S rather than being a “subset.”
Here are some other ways people can be into D/Lg without DD/Lg
1) You can be like me! I’m a “soft” Daddy. That means I have more of a nurturing approach than a controlling one. More into “come home to Daddy” type than a “don’t let me catch you…” This doesn’t mean I don’t like things like collars or spanking or rough play. But for me it’s play, not what it’s all about.
2) A heck of a lot of D/Lg and Cg/L folks are completely nonsexual. (There’s a whole world of sfw D/Lg and Cg/L blogs out there and they can get downright ranty about being lumped in with sexual D/Lg and DD/Lg.) Now I happen to be quite the sexual Daddy, but I 100% acknowledge and respect the boundaries of Caregivers and Littles who aren’t. (You should too of course!)
3) Sometimes a D/Lg relationship is a D/S relationship, only when you look a little closer it’s the (often bratty) Little who’s the Dom, and it’s the “long-suffering, patient” Daddy who’s the Sub! So yeah, technically that would be SD/Lg, wouldn’t it? But folks get so gender-bound a lot of folks in actual D/Lg don’t realize what’s going on. It’s just “my bratty sub” and “no, Daddy, do it like that!” (Shivers! I might not be a Daddy Dom but I’m definitely not a Daddy Sub either!)
Point being there are ways to do D/Lg without D/S, ways to do it without even being sexual, and some ways to do it where the Dom isn’t the Daddy!
That’s why it’s better to say sometimes they overlap than to say one is always a subset of the other.
Hope that helps.
I don’t know if this is common but being a sub makes me happy but not being a sub makes my mental health million times better. It’s like being a sub is what my mind and body wants but being my own person is what my soul wants. Is it normal to be a submissive person who is better off not being a sub?
I’ll admit I haven’t come across this phenomenon. Followers?
“…but being my own person is what my soul wants.”
It sounds to me like there’s a strong possibility that you are choosing to submit to someone who isn’t in sync with who you are.
In my book, the “right” Dominant, sees who you are (the good, the bad, and the fucked up parts) and sees the best self you are working to fully become. The right Dominant provides for your needs with that goal as the destination for you and the relationship.
I know of no greater pain in living than when your insides don’t match your outsides. So if your soul is being lead in the wrong direction, of course your mental health suffers.
My Sadistic Dominant Hubby is a quiet dignified man who is an organized introvert. I most definitely am not! Our inside joke is that I keep Him from boring Himself to death and He keeps me from flying right off the face of the earth. The one thing He’s never done is change me; He only provides the right circumstances for me to become the best me I can.
This is absolutely it. It’s about fit. When you find someone who accepts you for who you are, they lead in a way that honors who you are. This is why I am so uncompromising when I am talking to potential Dominants.
Recently a man asked how I would feel about being told I can’t work late. This is during an extremely stressful time with project deadlines. And any Dominant of mine would know that I only work long hours when it’s absolutely necessary, and they would never ask me to sacrifice my career. Not a good fit. Bye bye.
Other D types have been huge into their girl wearing makeup or lingerie or stockings or whatever. I can do those things, but it would not be sustainable for me to do that all the time. So I don’t pursue relationships with people who place a lot of value on that.
These things chafe at you, and they make you feel like submission runs counter to who you are. The wrong fit will do that. But when it’s right, you can let your guard down. You stop feeling like you have to protect your space to be yourself because they won’t ask of you what you absolutely can’t give.
Either anon isn’t with the right person, or they aren’t communicating clearly about these areas of internal conflict. A good Dom would not knowingly demand that you compromise the things that feed your soul.
This hit me HARD in heart and makes a lot of sense regarding why some parts of me don’t fit with the standard “tumblr submissive.” When I try to act like that ideal, I am miserable. This is good insight. Thank you both.
Sound advice, above. The only thing I liked less than being a Dom was not being a Dom. Then someone dear to me introduced me to D/Lg. I’ve been a supremely happy, comfortable, and confident non-Dom Daddy ever since.
So I just want to reinforce the point that there are more flavors of power-exchange in kink than D/S.