Thanks so much for asking. I don’t know if you’ll appreciate my advice but it’s heartfelt. You’ve never been in a relationship. You’ve gotten wrapped up in family drama. You’re trying to get back on track now that you’re in your 30s, but you have trust issues too?
I’m pretty sure the best relationship-finding advice I can offer is to talk to a counselor. Not because you’re “crazy” – it’s another useless stereotype that counselors are only for “crazy” people, or that only “crazy” people go to counselors!
Instead I’m saying it because between trust issues and what you’ve said about dealing with family drama, a good counselor can help you separate yourself from your family drama enough to start having your own life. And help you enough with trust issues to start having a life with someone else. Besides your family, I mean.
The reason I’m recommending this is that with a little outside professional perspective, help, and support you may not feel like you have to choose between all of the above. You can still support your family without being drawn in, establish yourself in your own social and career life, and maybe even find someone you can trust. And maybe even find someone who’ll be into the same things you are!
I’m a kinky person and I’m guessing you may have some kinky feelings too. And so it may surprise you when I say that kink doesn’t bypass the rights and responsibilities of vanilla relationships. Kink extends those things, but a kink relationship is still a relationship. There’s no “instead of.” And as I’ve probably said in the past, when it comes to kinky relationships you’ve got to learn how to walk before you can crawl.
We all have a real tendency to say “I can figure this out on my own.” But as gently as possible I’m going to say that for most of us if that were true we’d have already done it!
The wonderful, awesome, best news in the world, though, is that you’ve taken the first big step: you’ve asked someone for help! Good for you. There are so many people who never do! They just continue thinking “I can figure it out myself” until they’re 93 and not 31!
The second most important step, though, is to understand that this isn’t a question that can be answered in an anonymous ask. Because all I or pretty much anyone can say is “talk to someone who’s trained to talk to people just like you.” Not “crazy” people like you. And me! I’ve never been crazy as far as I know but I’ve gotten a ton of benefit from talking to various counselors over the years… once I got over the notion that I could “figure it out myself!” You can too.
Best of luck, ok? I’m not going to say “thank you” for asking this important question. Instead I’m going to say “good for you!” You’ve done the hardest part.
This is a wonderful question! Thank you so much for asking. It’s important to remember that Daddies and other men-identifying people can be just as self-conscious about our looks as anybody else. And just as annoyingly difficult to convince otherwise!
As the old Red Green show tagline used to go, “If the women can’t find you handsome they should at least find you handy.” Which was just ridiculously tragic, because, in fact, quite a few women are over the moon about “dad bodies” and “teddybears.” (Also waifs, nerds, and other non-ruggedly-manly body types.) This is something that wayyy too many men don’t realize.
So what’s the best way to comfort a Daddy who’s insecure about his curves, stretch marks, and freckles? I honestly can’t say – I’ve had very little luck convincing anybody they’re attractive if they’re convinced they’re not.
It wasn’t till I started posting naked or nearly-naked selfies that I believed it. It’s one of those weird “who are you going to believe, everyone else or my own lying eyes” things where I look at myself and I still can’t believe it. I’m just outvoted. (I don’t necessarily recommend he start posting nearly-naked selfies, and you might not want him to either, but he’d probably be surprised how outvoted he was.)
But let’s talk about something else for a second. You said you didn’t know how to do it without breaking out of D/Lg character with him. First of all I’m gonna say there are a million ways to do it in character: just shower him with “handsome, gorgeous, sexy Daddy” or “big, strong teddybear Daddy” or maybe “can I kiss you everywhere you’re handsome, Daddy?”
But I’m also going to say it’s ok to say “Daddy, I’m going to have to put on my big-girl pants for a minute and have a heart-to-heart talk.” Because even in 24/7 relationships there are going to be times when you and he have to talk like adults in a relationship… which of course you both actually are! Kink relationships are still relationships! They don’t erase or invalidate vanilla-relationship responsibilities, they extend them. And that can include things like conversations about mental health, biological health, financial issues, work or school schedules, and reassurances about self-esteem.
Best of luck to you and to your very lucky Daddy. And thanks so much for asking about this!
It’s been almost a year since the corporate incels who runTumblr’s corporate owners wet their pants. Luckily they haven’t figured out that “female-presenting kisses” are even more erotic than “female-presenting nipples…”
Just a reminder that not wanting a dick pics isn’t the same as not wanting a dick.
Paradox: Guys who don’t send dick pics get asked for dick. Guys who do send them don’t get dick!
I’d say “it’s a great mystery” except… well… it’s not a mystery at all, is it? 🤷♂️
The average erect cock is 5.5 inches, or, this length.
I can double hand it.
Here is me getting the 5.5 inches as far back without gagging.
Still a good 2.5 inches one has to deep throat.
Some girls expect 8 inches or they laugh.
All in all, your dick is fine, if any ho says otherwise; ask how loose her snatch must be.
Because I still have to lube my middle finger to get it up in mine.
Lol who is this girl
Always a reblog. I LOVE this woman!
Hahaha well said
I like a big one every once and a while too. But I’ve had plenty of amazing sex with the average sized male. I mean honestly I’m more about girth. There’s only so much of that length you’re gonna be able to use when your gurl is 5 feet tall.
This makes me very happy! Guys get so frickin’ anxious about dick size and maybe nine out of ten women honestly don’t care!
It’s not that “all dicks are awesome” or, conversely, “all dicks are gross.” It’s that what seems to matter is that they’re dicks, not that they’re giant dicks.
Now I should be clear when I say “dick size doesn’t matter.” It does! To other men!!! Don’t know why other men’s dick sizes matter so much to men, especially straight men. But they do!
Another funny thing about dick size! In Bonk, Mary Roach’s book about the anthropology of sex, she interviewed a surgeon who performed penis enlargements. The funny thing, he said, is that most of his customers are already larger than average, and sometimes much larger. In other words being large doesn’t seem to relieve our anxiety about dick size.
it’s sort of the same way so many women seem to think men care only about breast size when really it seems more like women care about other women’s breast sizes. Men, meanwhile, don’t seem to care as much.
Also, yeah, yeah, there are “size queen” women and “heavy hanger” men or whatever. But no one should mistake fetishes for mainstream preferences. The stereotypes about body-part size preferences are just that – stereotypes. And you know how useless stereotypes are.
Hi, @bloodpillowbook !
BDSM doesn’t *have* to involve pushing boundaries, at least not in the sense that it seems like you are thinking. I think a lot of people misunderstand what people are saying when they talk about pushing them, and that’s really on those of us who write about kink because we don’t always explain ourselves well.
In my experience, there are two different types of boundaries- there are those that someone doesn’t want pushed, and those that they do. It’s basically similar to the concept of soft limits vs hard limits. A soft limit should be approached with care and only after discussion, whereas a hard limit should never be approached at all.
With boundaries, there are going to be times when someone genuinely wants those pushed, and that’s when it comes into play. Maybe they feel like they don’t tolerate pain well but are super interested in seeing how far they can take it, for example. Or maybe they are trying to overcome an aversion to toys. It could be any number of things depending on the person. Those cases are the ones wherein the d-type should be pushing boundaries, but of course just as with a soft-limit, there needs to be discussion beforehand and the situation needs to be approached with an abundance of care.
But again, that’s only when the s-type genuinely wants to test those boundaries. There is *nothing* that says we (as d-types) should be pushing every boundary. Frankly, if a partner tells me they arent comfortable with something and doesn’t express a desire to get comfortable with it, I treat it like a hard limit until they tell me otherwise. There is a big difference between “I’m not great with pain but it’s something I really want to work on” and “I don’t enjoy pain”, you know? And while it certainly merits discussion if someone’s boundaries/limits are your “must haves”, one of the cardinal sins a d-type can commit is to try and persuade someone into doing something they don’t want to do.
Also worth mentioning: d-types have limits and boundaries too, and if one of your boundaries is that you don’t want to push anyone else’s boundaries, that’s absolutely valid! You’re not doing it “wrong” because there isn’t one objectively “right” way to do this. I have plenty of limits and boundaries for myself and every other d-type I know does too.
The bottom line is you’re absolutely well within your rights to not want to push someone’s boundaries! Just make sure that whoever you play with understands that so that you can both be on the same page, because some people are genuinely looking to have at least some of their boundaries pushed.
Thank you for writing in! Best of luck on your path!
So nicely said! It’s pretty important to recognize the difference between D/S or S&M kinks and, you know, psychopathology and dissociation. Or abuse and codependence.
Happy Tuesday almost done with work day!🤗
Another great reminder about D/Lg stereotypes!
- Not all Littles are women
- Not all Littles are sexual Littles
- Not all Caregivers are Doms
Oh, and also
- Carefully clarify your terms when negotiating with regressing Littles
- Not a hard limit ≠ enthusiastic consent
- Sometimes we have to indulge our Littles anyway because even when they’re annoying they’re usually still adorable
Reposting as a reminder not to assume that…
- All Littles regress
- All Littles are hetero
- All Littles are Submissive
- Taking no shit and giving no fucks = “bratty”
Not saying Captain Marvel is a Little, or that she’s gay, bi, or straight, or pan or ace, or that shed be dominant or submissive or plain old vanilla with a partner. Just saying this is an awesome reminder that every stereotype is a lie.
Sorry I couldn’t answer this earlier. This is a very important question!
The short answer is no, no matter how busy, depressed, or under the weather, a partner should always find a way to check in.
That said… I’m actually really fucking terrible at this! I think a lot of hard-core introverts are. You’d think that since I’m physically very affectionate – not just sexually, hugs, and kisses but also cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, shoulder leaning, nose booping, etc. – that I’d also be super communicative.
One that last one hits ao many of my shy, “don’t want to bother you,” “can’t talk right now” introvert reflexes, the others really don’t!
This is not an excuse. But it’s a good reminder that, as roughly blocked out by the “Five Love Languages” theory, that different people can have very different but equally heartfelt ways of expressing love, care, and concern for each other. And, more importantly, different people can have very different ways of receiving expressions of love, care, and concern.
The canonical “love languages” are listed as Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. In my opinion that’s a good first approximation but practice it’s not inclusive and there are overlaps so it’s a mix and match system, not an exact one. And the really important part isn’t that someone has one language or another but that you and they may not have the same language.
To answer your actual question, if their “love language” is Quality Time then yes, absolutely, your value to them is directly proportional to the time they spend with you and the effort they take to spend that time with you. But if that’s not how they express then you can both be head-over-heels, heart-achingly important to each other and… still both of you feeling there’s something wrong.
For instance if, instead, their “love language” is something like gifts or doing things for you, you might be sitting there fuming like a chimney because they were busy wasting days in their workshop or kitchen lovingly crafting something (acts of service) for you (gifts) when they could have been there (quality time) with you (physical touch.) And then they’re sitting there hurt that you hug them (physical touch) when you see them but never say (words of affirmation) how much you appreciated the watch or necklace they saved and saved to get you (gifts.)
That all might seem like a long way of excusing awful tendency to leave people on read… but more than once I’ve literally (not figuratively, literally!) traveled all day just to give someone a hug (physical touch) or sit with them all night when they’re ill (quality time, acts of service.)
Your mileage, and theirs, in other words, may vary considerably. Don’t ever be a doormat but do spend a little time trying to figure out if they’re trying to say “I love you” some other way.
It’s an important question, thank you for asking. And best of luck!
Wow, that’s a very good question! As a “soft,” non-Dom Daddy I really don’t to punishment, so I’m a terrible person to ask!
Luckily there are others who are good people to ask. And thanks to Google I was able to find a few
Check out A Lesson in Control with Self-Punishment by lunaKM at SubmissiveGuide.com
See also the aptly named The Big List of Unusual Punishments by KristanX at Lascivity.co.uk – there’s quite a list, going from ass/anal punishments to stress positions.
But finally, folks also need to check out You’ve Been a Bad Submissive: Learn How to Atone and Forgive Yourself, also by lunaKM. In addition to acknowledging that sometimes one needs to ask for more punishment if one doesn’t feel one has atoned, there’s also a lovely, humane section about forgiving yourself!
“You are Human: Lastly, and probably the hardest for submissives to accept is that there will always be mistakes. You are still human and no matter how perfect your life is, sometimes things will get out of hand, you’ll forget yourself or something else will catapult you into a moment of disobedience. Remember also, that your Dominant knows you are human and that there will be times of correction. That’s why after punishment you are forgiven. He or she has already moved on. They hope that you will too.”
I’m sorry I can’t give a better answer but I hope some of those links help. It’s a good question and I hope you find the right answer for you!