First of all 💕💜💕💜💕!!!

And second of all, I get that you feel ashamed and embarrassed after you come, and that you feel terrible about it.  I’m so sorry.  All I can say is you’re not alone, ok?  And there’s nothing wrong with you or how you feel.  You’re ok.  You’re going to be ok too.

The kink-o-sphere is full of memes about how we feel when we’re horny vs not.  And it’s surprisingly common even for vanilla people (not just kinky or woke ones) to feel terrible, guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, or disgusted with themselves after they’ve come.  

Rule #1 of topping or being topped: aftercare, like “foreplay,” is part of sex and not something you staple on before or after.  It’s like cleaning up your campsite is part of camping, and doing the dishes is part of dinner.   (Sorry for going a little off topic, just had to get that part out of the way because not enough people get it.)

Rule #2 of topping or being topped: aftercare isn’t complete till you’re both back on your feet and feel good about yourself and your partner.  (I say both because sometimes tops need a little aftercare too after pushing their boundaries to give you the topping you need.)

Rule #2 says it’s not stupid at all to ask for enough aftercare.  Not “more” aftercare, enough aftercare!

You’re perfectly normal – aftercare was invented because so many Subs need it because they have feelings just like yours after their scenes.  They talk about it more after S&M and bondage because there’s often such a physical component that bottoms need blankets, rehydration, sometimes massage and minor first aid, etc.  

But!  

It especially sounds like maybe when you switch with your partner you get into humiliation play as well as punishment.  That can be really hot when you’re sailing – you in subspace and she in… “superspace” or whatever you want to call where tops minds go.  But when you’re done the emotional thumping can leave your heart and ego as bruised as a caning can leave your butt bruised.  

It’s a top’s job to bring you back, to reassure you, to cuddle and comfort and hold you and reassure you.  To let you know they didn’t mean any of the things they said.  

And finally, as the more experienced top you probably understand really well what your partner’s boundaries and limits and needs are.  If she’s going to top you she needs to understand yours just as clearly.  And address them and respect them.

I’m not even a little mad at her, by the way.  Or you.  Not even close.  

Instead I want to reassure you that she means it from the bottom of her heart when she says she loves you after.  That she respects you.  That she wants you “back” afterwards as much as you want to be back.  It’s ok to coach her – Subs can be more experienced than Doms, right?  

It can be a little tough being a vulnerable mess if you’re usually the “strong” one in your relationship, and might be a little odd for her to have to hold you up when you’re usually the strong one.  And if that’s your usual role then it can be kind of a reflex to feel embarrassed and ashamed… to feel like you’ve somehow failed.  But I promise if she’s happy or at least comfortable switching with you… if you’re not kind of pushing her into it for your own benefit… then she’s probably not going to mind taking enough time to bring you back.

Remember Rule #2:  Subs need enough aftercare, not “some” aftercare or “more” aftercare.  If a top isn’t prepared to and able to have a complete sex scene with their partner (foreplay, play, and aftercare = sex) it’s better for everybody if they don’t begin.

If nothing else, if you’re left unhappy after a scene you’re going to have a harder time wanting to do it again.

Thanks for the wonderful question.  Best of luck to you and your sweetie – you both really deserve it.

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