This is one of those hidden downsides of being a top in a power-exchange relationship, isnât it? A responsible, non-ashole top will, of course, take responsibility when they know you have to work, wonât they? (Yes, because rule #1 of topping, with a bullet, is: never, ever fuck up your Sub or Littleâs career, family life, etc., just because youâre in the mood for a little slap and tickle.)
But the downside is that sometimes we have to take responsibility for when we have to work. Â
Though really, every kink relationship, like every relationship is 100%/100%. Yes, Submissives get a lot of pleasure from giving their power to their Dom… but in boundary situations itâs ok for the Dom to decline to receive it.
Even though it always kills Daddy to do so, snapplecap.
A lot of people think Domination is all about stern words or bondage or spankings, and sure, it can be those things. But really itâs about doing what you need to surrender. And sometimes that only takes is calming promises and confident fingertips…
There is literally nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so do not expect yourself to do so.
Not much more important to remember than this. It would be weird and intimidating if you were really continuously âperfect.â No one would know how to relate to you.
Allow yourself to be a mortal human being. Itâs ok.
Awesome question for a couple of excellent reasons!!!!
Initiating can be hard for a lot of Subs. It just doesnât feel like a very submissive thing to do. It can be even harder if the Dom is the sort who agrees itâs their job to initiate.
It can be especially tough when a Sub has a higher (real, imagined, temporary, or permanent) libido than their Dom.
It can be even more of a problem when the Sub is a woman and the Dom is a man, because weâve got waaayyyyy too many dominant social myths and narratives about men wanting sex more than women.
Because of 1-3, above, it can be an even bigger issue when the Sub is a man and the Dom is a woman.
And if the Sub is a woman there are all those social âslut shamingâ narratives to contend with â kinksters are rarely more than partly insulated from dominant social narratives.Â
The âgoodâ news is this isnât just a problem for BDSM or other kink relationships. Itâs practically a running joke in vanilla culture no matter whoâs initiating.
But enough about the why and on to the what. What are some things a Sub can do to⌠if not outright initiate then at least indicate that theyâd like to have sex.
Wait! One thing not to do first! Being bratty or sassy is fine if thatâs part of your D/S or D/Lg play dynamic. (Sassing a Dom, Daddy, or other kind of top can be a great way to get something started.) But donât be an asshole in hopes of turning things into makeup sex, ok? One of my tags is âbe a Dom, not a dick.â That applies to Subs too.
As I used to do back in the day I like to go find good sources and see what they recommend. For instance, hereâs what lunaKM from SubmissiveGuide suggests
Iâm throwing this out there for others to comment on because I am the WORST when it comes to this! I want sex a lot (like every day, sometimes more), but asking for it? Iâd much rather they read my mind, thank you very much! (Then they donât, and I feel neglected, then I write a post on how to not feel neglected when your partner canât read your mind.)
Seriously, short of rubbing my foot on their leg and saying âWhatcha doinââŚâ in a sing-song voice, I find it hard to voice desire. Iâve learned to because itâs that or be disappointed, but it remains difficult. Followers, any advice you can offer?
Initiating play and being spontaneous in the bedroom is not a Dominant thing. Itâs a couples thing. Both people can do it. When you flirt and tease your partner itâs because you are sexually attracted to them and want to have fun, treat it as searching for mutual pleasure.
Try to put yourself in his place. Your partner never initiate play or sex, they may show some slight interest, but your partner always waits for you to initiate. Do you start feeling like they arenât that into you? Do you start questioning your sexual attraction to them? Do you stop initiating yourself? Itâs a downward slope.
Being submissive does not mean you canât initiate. Itâs quite alluring when the submissive flirts and teases the Dom for play or sex. I donât think youâd disagree that itâs hot to know that your partner wants you and has just come up and whispered in your ear that they want to do naughty things to do in the bedroom. â How to Initiate Play and Sex While Remaining Submissive
LunaKM also makes the point that asking your Dom to tell you what to do is âdirectâ but theyâll still be telling you what they want you to do!
And I love their point that seduction and initiating is a relationship thing, not a Dom or Submissive thing.
Thereâs a mixed discussion of the issue, plus a few good suggestions, on the very old, very old-school, âTaken In Handâ forum. Always interesting to see how socially-conservative, often anti-feminist, âsubmissivesâ historically approached these things.
Summarizing some of the suggestions that work for me (though keep in mind that Iâm a Daddy not a Dom.)
hop in my lap and say âDaddy, I need attention.â
wear something almost innocently revealing â maybe a long t-shirt with no pants
if you have a leash and collar, bring it to me in your teeth (for pet play and Littles) or stand or kneel holding them out to me with your head down (Sub or Slave)
kneel at my feet and look me in the eyes
do something playfully/harmlessly bratty or sassy to get a playful/harmless âpunishment.â
ask me a question that draws my attention to sex. For instance âdo you remember that time youâŚâ
put your hand (or face!) in my lap, drape yourself over my back, start kissing my head and face, hold my hand and put it in your lap, against your cheek, on your breast or ass. Then wait for me to say âdo you need something, kittycat?â Then nod demurely.
Or, getting back to lunaKM and even some of the Taken In Hand commenters, is it really that bad to be direct? I mean, you can be submissively direct and say âcan I serve you?â or âI really need aâŚâ whatever it is you really need.
Speaking as a top, obviously, and as a soft Daddy and not a hard Dom or âDaddy Domâ I have to agree that thereâs a huge fucking difference between initiating sex and taking control. If a top doesnât get this then theyâre missing as much as half the fun.
And also, top or not, itâs really fucking hot knowing youâre wanted!
Speaking of Subs initiating, I stumbled across a whole post about it!Â
This is actually pretty important. Everybodyâs entitled to their own kinks, and of course if your Love Language includes giving or receiving gifts then Sugardaddy/Sugarbaby is perfectly fine.
Please take this as someone who went to college with a number of much older women in a âre-entryâ program whoâd begun life in the 1970s as stay-at-home moms only to wind up abandoned, divorced, often stuck with a house and bills as well as children, no education or work experience, and fucking panicked and pissed. Â This shouldnât happen to anybody.
But itâs important to remember that real power-exchange kinks are only possible between equal partners. So, yeah, if youâre really dependent on your kink partner for essentials like food, money, or shelter thereâs a real risk that things can go sideways. Sometimes very quickly.
This doesnât mean itâs not going to work unless youâre splitting everything 50/50, or even that one partner has to pull their own weight. But itâs… pretty frickin important that you be able to count on your own autonomy and independence. It just lowers the chances that youâll ever have to.
Close your eyes and daydream, princess, of you in my lap, leaning back against my chest, your hands tightly gripping my forearms as they move to the rhythm of my dancing fingertips…
And while I whisper in your ear, rumbling and low, âShall we dance, my dear? We shall!â
Yikes! Your Doms previous responses to questions have you feeling so on edge youâre afraid to ask new question? That must feel stressful and scary and uncomfortable and even lonely!Â
First things first, if youâre afraid of asking your partner (any partner) questions then somethingâs not working in your relationship. It might be him and it could even be you but itâs one of those check-engine lights that shouldnât be ignored.
Second thing first, if you feel like youâre in any kind of risk or danger of either physical or emotional violence from him then Iâd like to stop the conversation here and urge you to check out any of the hundreds of support opportunities available on the web but also in your family and community. Because abuse and/or codependence arenât kinks and theyâre not safe. (If heâs an abuser then youâre not safe, if youâre codependent then neither of you are safe. Ok?) It might not be likely but I needed to say that.
â
Letâs deal with maybe the simplest and least-likely case first. If you have anxiety, for instance, then your Dom could be completely unaware of how intimidated you feel around him because he adores you. It could be that he has no idea how seriously you take his answers and so he doesnât take them seriously enough. Â
If thatâs true then if you can let him know, not in your D/S roles, then he may be over the moon happy to realize whatâs wrong, and heâll be eager to reassure you and work things out, and maybe even do sweetly extra-strict Dominant things that make you feel especially warm and cared for and Submissive.
Thatâs one possibility, because sometimes âitâs not you, itâs meâ really is the source of a relationship problem.
But now for all but one of the other likely possibilities. A kink relationship is still a relationship. And so all the vanilla advice, social scripts, and expectations about regular relationships is still 100% valid, useful, and helpful.
So my first question is if he was just a boyfriend or husband, not your Dom, how do you think youâd deal with this? How would your vanilla friends deal with a romantic partner whoâs responded to questions in a way that makes you afraid to ask new ones? TBH you can even ask your friends, family members, even ministers and other community support people for advice! You donât have to say âheâs my D/S Dom,â you could just say âweâve got a very traditional relationship,â couldnât you? And pretty much everyone would just say âokâ instead of âwhatâs BDSMâ or something, right?
Theyâd still probably say you need to talk to your partner about your discomfort and unhappiness in your relationship. Thatâs âtalk toâ not blame, accuse, criticize, etc. And itâs âtalk toâ not because heâs a Dom but because human beings go on the defensive when they feel accused, and start making excuses and otherwise (usually unintentionally!) changing the subject from âoh no, youâre unhappyâ to âwait, Iâm not a bad person, really.â (That might be a good conversation to have some other time, but accusations make a conversation about him when the conversation instead needs to be about your relationship!)
He might be over the moon about his relationship and want to make it work. Or he could be growing distant and impatient for real. Or he could be feeling heâs missing something too and open a conversation about both your needs. Â
Or (last but not least, and one that really be related to the D/S part of your relationship) he could have some really dumb unworkable notions of what being a Dom means in the context of your relationship together. And possibly the same with you. Or⌠well⌠you wonât know till you have that talk with him.
And yeah, I know itâs scary. But itâs already scary isnât it? And maybe broaching the subject could even lead to you parting ways⌠but if nothing changes a parting of the ways is the most likely outcome anyway.
Letâs be clear. Iâm not a relationship counselor. Iâm not a therapist. Iâm just an older, experienced gentleman with lots of scrapes and bruises from a lifetime of sometimes short and sometimes very long relationships. So I can talk about what Iâve seen, and emphasize that communication is key. But there are people closer to you who do have the experience and maybe even training be able to help in ways even the best intentioned internet Daddy canât.
The good news is relationships â kink or vanilla or even just neighborly â between humans involves a lot of good will and misunderstanding. The bad news is itâs so often hard to talk about.
Good question and thank you for asking. Iâm not going to say âhope it helpsâ but I am going to say I hope it helps you find what will help. Best of luck!
⢠Using your safeword does not make you a bad sub.
⢠Not enjoying a certain act (i.e. tying up, pain play, etc) does not make you a bad sub.
⢠Not sharing the same kinks as your dom(s) does not make you a bad sub.
⢠Asserting your wants, needs and/or triggers does not make you a bad sub.
⢠Stopping a scene entirely and not wanting to continue does not make you a bad sub.
Bdsm is supposed to be fun. You can stop or alter things to suit your comfort. Itâs ok to do this.
Any dom that tells you otherwise is a bad dom.
OMFG!!!! Using your safeword does not make you a bad sub!!!
That whole âif you use your safeword itâs over: youâre to dress and leave immediatelyâ Dom bullshit is… well… bullshit. Same with the âI dare not disappoint my Dom even though Iâm disassociating and bleeding outâ Sub bullshit.
You know whatâs totally, totally ok?  âRed, red, Iâm gonna sneeze!… achoo… ok, where were we?â Itâs ok to use your safeword because a buckleâs chaffing your wrist while your sadist is setting your ass on fire. Â
Thereâs such a goddamn difference between pain and suffering, between hurt and harm, and if youâre into heavier things, between damage and injury.
Youâre not a bad Sub, Masochist, or other bottom if you use your safeword. In fact itâs more accurate to say youâre âbadâ if you donât! And if youâre a top who disregards your partnerâs safeword, or blows up about it, then go home till you grow up.
BDSM in particular and kink in general is supposed to be about consent and boundaries. Not violating consent and not rolling over boundaries. Itâs also supposed to be satisfying for everyone. And if youâre trying to hold in a sneeze, or youâre getting a cramp in your calf, or a buckleâs digging into your ribs in a way thatâs not intended, thatâs an awesome time to use a safeword to straighten it out.
Final note: Itâs also always, always, always ok for your Dom or other top to use your safeword too. Or theirs!
One last point about âbut everyone loves getting oral.â Raise your hand if youâve ever effectively gotten numb while someone was sucking your dick or licking your pussy.
Donât be shy. I promise itâs ok to say yes if itâs happened to you.
Raise your hand if youâve gone on pretending youâre still enjoying it while becoming increasingly aware of this âwtfâ feeling? Â
Thereâs actually nothing wrong with this. It happens sometimes. The good news is if your partner pauses or gives you a break or switches to their hands for a bit or lets you go down on them for a bit your feeling almost always comes back. (You may have noticed this too.)
The problem is a lot of the time weâre too shy to mention to our partners… who may, in turn, be starting to get a crick in their neck or jaw or tongue and too shy to admit that. Â
Bottom line is itâs not your âfaultâ and itâs not your partners either. That just happens sometimes. Sometimes it even always happens before you can come, in which case maybe blowjobs or getting licked isnât right for you. Luckily there are lots of other things you can do. Including giving your partner and yourself a break.
The goal of good sex isnât to have orgasms every single time. Itâs for both of you to feel satisfied every single time. Where âsatisfiedâ may include masturbating rapturously while remembering how nice (but non-orgasmic) your partnerâs mouth felt on you.
just because you donât look like somebody who you think is attractive doesnât mean you arenât attractive. flowers are pretty but so are christmas lights and they look nothing alike
I donât think anyone couldâve said it in a better way
I reblog these things in the hope that someday I will grow to believe them.Â
âjust because you donât look like somebody who you think is attractive doesnât mean you arenât attractive.â
That right there! Â
Simplest case: as a man and a heterosexual I donât think a 6â˛4âł 220-pound man with a short beard is very attractive. And even if I wasnât heterosexual itâs unlikely that my âtypeâ would be my type. And so Iâm perpetually surprised when women, who I am attracted to, or anyone else thinks Iâm attractive.
More complex case: maybe cause Iâm a man but for whatever reasons I have exactly zero attraction response to bare forearms on either men or women. And tbh I still donât get it but it finally percolated through my tiny, walnut-sized brain that women, who I am attracted to, are very attracted to nice forearms.
More speculative case (since Iâm not a woman): Many straight women seem to feel unattractive because their breasts are âtoo small.â Similar to a lot of men who worry that their penises are too small. And yet at least as many of their counterparts feel that either breast/penis size doesnât matter very much or else feel outright that breasts or penises can be too big. And therefore the worrier isnât just âfineâ but are actually perfect…
To everyone but themselves.
Donât know why we do this to ourselves. I certainly do it to myself even though I know better! Â
The one good thing to take away from all this is âyou wouldnât date yourself? Fine. But get out of the way of everyone else whoâd love to!â Theyâre always, always going to outnumber you.
