You don’t think this is part of it then you don’t know everything about D/Lg…
And for the record it’s a good idea not to assume that a Little with their head in their Daddy’s lap is being sexual. D/Lg is also not always about sex.
Let’s put it this way: numerically speaking there are approximately as many authentically Submissive men in the world as there are women Subs. But can you even imagine an actual, authentically Submissive man sending a Dominant woman an unsolicited picture of his dick?
Although, hmmm, if you consider that approximately 99% of men who send dick picks are actually cripplingly insecure about their dicks and pathetically, anxiously desperate for approval maybe they’re all sending unsolicted dick pics! Hmm… I suspect most of them have no idea they’re Subs, but the more I think about it… I dunno. Something to think about.
I will say that as tough a time as women Subs have finding good Doms, men Subs have an even tougher time finding good Doms.
By Thomas Oldenough | June 19, 2019 | Comments Off on hey i’m a lesbian and my girlfriend and i are interested in the dom/sub community. i know this may be a tricky question for you but do you have any tips or tricks on how to handle punishment or how to assert dominance and authority for me. thank you and have a good one.
Hi, welcome to kink! If you’ve read me for very long you’ve probably noticed two things. First that I discovered I’m actually a Daddy after decades of thinking I was a terribly unconvincing Dom. So you may want to consult with other Doms for nuts and bolts of D/S.
But second and more importantly, you probably already expect me to say what I’m about to say: Dominance and Submission are kinks, not genders or sexes or orientations. So my tips about punishments and asserting dominance and authority will be to work together to figure out what’s right for the two of you!
Cause there are a bajillion ways to do it. From old-school, high-church “Full Protocol” D/S to pressing your finger to your partner’s lips and whispering “on your knees, hon, here’s what’s going to happen next.” Punishment possibilities are all over the map as well. Anything from a quiet “I’m so disappointed” to brutal caning while bent double over a bondage horse. If the three of us met in person (with our pants on!) I could probably give you some awesome suggestions after a conversation and watching how you already interact. But my “secret” would involve mostly asking you questions and watching how your eyes flash or fume while you share the answers with each other. And now that you know my secret you can probably have those conversations just as easily without me!
The third thing you might have noticed me saying repeatedly is that it’s important to have those conversations with each other because no matter how mild or harsh, casual or formal, you both need to feel satisfied with your domination and submission. You get to define “satisfied” how each of you wishes (even if a Dom determines everything else she can’t define satisfaction for her Sub or vice versa.) But since kink relationships are still relationships, the outcome of kinky sex needs to meet the same standards as vanilla sex: you should both be happy enough that you want to do it again. Or more. And of course with each other.
Good fences make good neighbors, and good boundaries make good kink partners. If neither of you are sure of the particulars then
Check out some of the awesome, excellent mentoring blogs by experienced, ethical Doms and Subs on Tumblr and elsewhere. (It’s ok to mix and match, by the way – many Subs have excellent advice about domination and vice versa.)
Don’t assume what you see in porn or read in lit are realistic or practical… which leads us to…
Starting small and working your way up works better than starting big and apologizing your way down
Remember the Dom has authority vested in them by the Sub, not irrevocable power over them.
Check in often
Don’t assume the Dom can dish out more than the Sub can handle, and therefore…
Don’t assume it’s only the Sub who needs “aftercare.” (The Dom still should take responsibility for aftercare same as they took responsibility for the activities leading up to it. But don’t imagine it’s not for the Dom’s benefit as well… in part because
Sometimes a “greedy” Sub can get their Dom to cross their own boundaries, which can be a rattling experience for the Dom and/or both of you. Which leads to the most important thing ever…
Never, ever, ever forget that you’re equal partners with your own agency! Submission is as much of an autonomous kink as Domination. You’re in a dance together and you each add your own energy and enthusiasm and needs. For this reason, as designated leader, a Dom needs to be just as responsible for her own boundaries as she is for her partner’s.
Super interesting question. I hope my very general answers have been helpful. Best of luck to both of you!
—
Doh! I forgot the most important part: While I always assume my followers are more into D/Lg than D/S that’s only because there’s an ASS and it’s ME! So please let me invite my followers to add their practical, nuts-and-bolts suggestions either in their own posts or in comments to this one.
And to get the ball rolling let me promote @moonchild8914′s first comment
May I please recommend Taken in Hand by Jolynn Raymond? It is a wonderful book for anyone starting out in D/s, & she is a Domme with a wife who are living a D/s lifestyle.
Suggestions like this are always welcome. Thanks for reminding me, MC!
Comments Off on hey i’m a lesbian and my girlfriend and i are interested in the dom/sub community. i know this may be a tricky question for you but do you have any tips or tricks on how to handle punishment or how to assert dominance and authority for me. thank you and have a good one.
By Thomas Oldenough | June 19, 2019 | Comments Off on hey i’m a lesbian and my girlfriend and i are interested in the dom/sub community. i know this may be a tricky question for you but do you have any tips or tricks on how to handle punishment or how to assert dominance and authority for me. thank you and have a good one.
Hi, welcome to kink! If you’ve read me for very long you’ve probably noticed two things. First that I discovered I’m actually a Daddy after decades of thinking I was a terribly unconvincing Dom. So you may want to consult with other Doms for nuts and bolts of D/S.
But second and more importantly, you probably already expect me to say what I’m about to say: Dominance and Submission are kinks, not genders or sexes or orientations. So my tips about punishments and asserting dominance and authority will be to work together to figure out what’s right for the two of you!
Cause there are a bajillion ways to do it. From old-school, high-church “Full Protocol” D/S to pressing your finger to your partner’s lips and whispering “on your knees, hon, here’s what’s going to happen next.” Punishment possibilities are all over the map as well. Anything from a quiet “I’m so disappointed” to brutal caning while bent double over a bondage horse. If the three of us met in person (with our pants on!) I could probably give you some awesome suggestions after a conversation and watching how you already interact. But my “secret” would involve mostly asking you questions and watching how your eyes flash or fume while you share the answers with each other. And now that you know my secret you can probably have those conversations just as easily without me!
The third thing you might have noticed me saying repeatedly is that it’s important to have those conversations with each other because no matter how mild or harsh, casual or formal, you both need to feel satisfied with your domination and submission. You get to define “satisfied” how each of you wishes (even if a Dom determines everything else she can’t define satisfaction for her Sub or vice versa.) But since kink relationships are still relationships, the outcome of kinky sex needs to meet the same standards as vanilla sex: you should both be happy enough that you want to do it again. Or more. And of course with each other.
Good fences make good neighbors, and good boundaries make good kink partners. If neither of you are sure of the particulars then
Check out some of the awesome, excellent mentoring blogs by experienced, ethical Doms and Subs on Tumblr and elsewhere. (It’s ok to mix and match, by the way – many Subs have excellent advice about domination and vice versa.)
Don’t assume what you see in porn or read in lit are realistic or practical… which leads us to…
Starting small and working your way up works better than starting big and apologizing your way down
Remember the Dom has authority vested in them by the Sub, not irrevocable power over them.
Check in often
Don’t assume the Dom can dish out more than the Sub can handle, and therefore…
Don’t assume it’s only the Sub who needs “aftercare.” (The Dom still should take responsibility for aftercare same as they took responsibility for the activities leading up to it. But don’t imagine it’s not for the Dom’s benefit as well… in part because
Sometimes a “greedy” Sub can get their Dom to cross their own boundaries, which can be a rattling experience for the Dom and/or both of you. Which leads to the most important thing ever…
Never, ever, ever forget that you’re equal partners with your own agency! Submission is as much of an autonomous kink as Domination. You’re in a dance together and you each add your own energy and enthusiasm and needs. For this reason, as designated leader, a Dom needs to be just as responsible for her own boundaries as she is for her partner’s.
Super interesting question. I hope my very general answers have been helpful. Best of luck to both of you!
—
Doh! I forgot the most important part: While I always assume my followers are more into D/Lg than D/S that’s only because there’s an ASS and it’s ME! So please let me invite my followers to add their practical, nuts-and-bolts suggestions either in their own posts or in comments to this one.
And to get the ball rolling let me promote @moonchild8914′s first comment
May I please recommend Taken in Hand by Jolynn Raymond? It is a wonderful book for anyone starting out in D/s, & she is a Domme with a wife who are living a D/s lifestyle.
Suggestions like this are always welcome. Thanks for reminding me, MC!
Comments Off on hey i’m a lesbian and my girlfriend and i are interested in the dom/sub community. i know this may be a tricky question for you but do you have any tips or tricks on how to handle punishment or how to assert dominance and authority for me. thank you and have a good one.
Arch that back princess…. you know how Daddy likes it…
Ok, just being a Daddy here and not a Dom (or just a vanilla asshole) but…
I’m pretty sure when you arch like that it gives you a lot more contact on your g-spot, makes sure I’m not going to bump your cervix, and might even give you a little more of that “full” feeling than you’d get from just my dick.
So much of what we call “submission” is just doing things that feel better for you. Doesn’t make it any less submissive if you’re an actual Sub, but maximizing angles, contact, or enjoyment doesn’t make you a Sub, does it?
Not to go all gender studies or social theory here – it’s still a hot image – but funny how society turns what penis-receivers do just to make things work into signifiers for social, non-sexual submission.
Kneeling? “Presenting?” Arching? Turning eyes down or closed so you can concentrate? Bending over?
Not knocking D/S at all (mmm, D/S!) but telling you to “arch your back” is sort of like the fox putting the rabbit in the briar patch, isn’t it?
By Thomas Oldenough | June 8, 2019 | Comments Off on Re your post about blowjobs: I’m a guy and don’t really get the hype either. I’m 29 and have been with 8 women, only 2 of whom could finish the ‘job’. It takes a lot of effort for me to cum, regardless of how we’re trying or whether I’m masturbating or somebody else is involved. Many women talk the talk but can’t back it. Perhaps it’s because I’m on the small side but few will even feign enthusiasm (why do it begrudgingly? That’s not hot). Receiving feels too passive for me too… (part 1, TBC)
This!!! It took me years to learn how to come from blowjobs. They always felt heavenly but it’s hard to get me in the right places. Or something. I’d had the opposite problem with PIV intercourse. That too felt (still feels!) heavenly but if I wasn’t hyper careful I’d come within seconds.
On the other hand there are quite a few men who feel the opposite – they can come easily from blowjobs but not PIV intercourse. And meanwhile quite a few women don’t come from receiving oral.
I want to be clear here that it’s a mistake to say it’s the partner’s problem. And a bigger mistake to say “well they wouldn’t have that problem with me!” Because, yeah, even if you can tie a cherry stem with your tongue that might not work for some partners.
So here’s the main deal though: we’ve got a scarcity model of sex such that certain things are supposed to be “ultimate” in pleasure based a little more on how likely they are to happen or how hard they are to “acquire.”
As various people (I’ll credit Mark Twain) have said “if peanuts were scarce instead of sturgeon the wealthy would fawn over peanut butter instead of caviar.” Same with, say, ass fucking which, from my perspective, feels pretty much exactly the same as PIV. And yet if you go following Tumblr or Reddit or PornHub porn it’s presented as some kind of holy grail. This has, I suspect, more to do with partners’ relative enthusiasm for receiving anal, and therefore its scarcity, more than it’s actual… I dunno what to call it… “pleasure value” or something maybe?
Anyway, point is that it’s just not true that everyone will get off from fellatio in general or deep-throat fellatio in particular, or cunnilingus, or PIV intercourse, or giant cocks, or ass fucking, or threeways, or rimming, or much younger or older partners, or spanking, (FFS) “squirting” and other g-spot orgasms, “fucking all night,” or… pretty much any single highly-valued sex act that most people never do once (and, notably, that very few do twice.)
And the bottom line from me to you, as usual, is: there’s exactly nothing wrong with enjoying any or all of these things but don’t stress if X, Y, or/and Z doesn’t do anything for you. You’re SOOOO not alone. The big difference, usually, is that the others are embarrassed to admit it doesn’t do much for them either.
It depends why the little is doing it
To make Daddy cum? I guess
But that would be a byproduct for me.
My desire is simply to worship you and by extension your cock. I want to kiss and lick it, feel it grow. Trace the vein with my tongue, suckle on you heavy, full balls. Stroke you and lick the vein some more, make you feel so good. I just want you to feel good Daddy.
Since I’ve been going on a lot about the “downsides” of oral sex, this point by @victorianmaidn is actually pretty important too: a blowjob you give me isn’t always about me! Me licking you isn’t always all about you either.
Sometimes I just want to enjoy the all-senses banquet I get by going down on you. Seeing you, the sounds and taste and aroma, how you feel against my tongue, how you move your legs and hips, how you breathe and whisper and moan, how you grab or stroke my hair? That turns me on! That makes me hot and hard and very happy. I wouldn’t want to do it if it bored you or outright turned you off. I love getting you off, but I also just love doing it.
And sometimes? Sometimes you just want my dick in your mouth, don’t you? And even if I don’t always come that way? It still always feels good, bluejay. You’re a good girl.
Comments Off on Re your post about blowjobs: I’m a guy and don’t really get the hype either. I’m 29 and have been with 8 women, only 2 of whom could finish the ‘job’. It takes a lot of effort for me to cum, regardless of how we’re trying or whether I’m masturbating or somebody else is involved. Many women talk the talk but can’t back it. Perhaps it’s because I’m on the small side but few will even feign enthusiasm (why do it begrudgingly? That’s not hot). Receiving feels too passive for me too… (part 1, TBC)
