Posts Tagged ‘boundaries’
I have a dom coming to visit me and he is adamant about not using a safe word. I’ve been looking forward to him coming down and have talked about what I would be comfortable with, but the idea of no safe word is frightening. Should i call if off or go through with it?
âThe idea of no safe word is frightening.â
You answered your own question, didnât you?
Iâm 100% sympathetic. You look forward to meeting him, and heâs comfortable talking to you about your needs and wants.Â
Iâve mentioned before that thereâs a school of thought in kink that safewords arenât actually safe… in the sense that a top should never get out of control and should always be 100% attentive and that too many bottoms get to hazy or even intimidated or âbraveâ to safeword. Â
But!
Since you can be all that and use safewords too itâs a red flag that this person is âadamantâ about not having one.
The only purpose of D/S in particular, BDSM and kink in a little more general, and non-intentionally-reproductive sex in general is for both of you to enjoy yourselves, to feel safe, to be happy, horny, healthy, and want to do it again. And again.
Thatâs a pretty low bar. Sounds like itâs not going to be met without him agreeing to letting you have a safeword and without you being 100% confident that heâll respect it you use it. And-and that he wonât wet his pants or throw a fit if you did use it.
So Iâm going to say call it off unless and until you stop being frightened instead of totally excited to submit to him.
In fact Iâm going to be blunt (not mean, just blunt) and say a good Dom would have called off his trip instead of putting you in the uncomfortable position of having to do it yourself! He hasnât. So maybe heâs not a good Dom for you.
Thank you so much for asking this question. Itâs a really, really important one that shouldnât need repeating but does. Over and over. Â
Iâm scared of the dark
Iâm sorry youâre afraid of the dark. Itâs no fun, is it?
I used to be too, when I was very small. My mom got us a nightlight. It helped.
Later I noticed both my grandmothers kept nightlights on. Because my parents might have been scared when they were small.
Do you think a nightlight would help you?
If you have a good reason to be scared instead, like thereâs something to really be afraid of, or because thereâs something you remember that makes you afraid, then do what Mister Rogers said and look for the helpers who are trained to know what to do. And talk to them.about whatâs happening. Or about what happened.
Cause then you might still use a nightlight. And you might not like the dark. But you might not be so scared of it.
Hope that helps. Thank you so much for asking.
Do you think itâs possible to become too dependent on stuffies? I slept without one of my favorites last night and I barely slept. Is it okay that I need my stuffed animals to sleep?
âIâm the caretaker for my childrenâs stuffies, now that theyre grown. They may have outgrown them and moved on to college and life. But I couldnât sleep if I lost either of them.
Yes, you can be too dependent on anything. But sometimes even gruff old Daddies love their stuffies too.
You asked a very serious question though. Serious because you asked it. Youâre concerned about how you feel about your favorite. And about being so attached you had a hard time sleeping.
My answer would be what do your stuffies mean for you? Do you worry because youâre embarrassed and maybe youâve internalized some mockery or shaming? Maybe believing stereotypes about adults who canât or wonât âgrow up?â
If so then hug those stuffies and let go of being shamed by the mostly-imaginary opinions of others.
If instead you worry that maybe youâve displaced some inner hurt, or trauma, or feeling of emptiness or enem irresponsibility… Or if youâre feeling compulsive and donât want to be. Then itâs ok to still love your stuffies but also to talk to someone who can help.
Cause stuffies are brave and loyal, arenât they? But theyâre also small and canât always handle everything you put on them. If you do talk to someone you might find your stuffies can be companions again and not crutches or bandages.
Only you can know the answer. Thank you for asking an important question. I know others might feel the same as you. Best of luck, ok?
Hey, check out these two items that showed up one after another in my Tumblr feed. Maybe Iâm just being a cranky Daddy about porn again, but one of these faces should not be like the other one.Â
The woman in the bottom photo looks disgusted and angry because someone wonât leave her the fuck alone. And rightly so!
The one in the top photo looks even angrier and more disgusted while… having a fairly routine threeway. Â
Not exactly sure why that angry/disgusted “omg thereâs a penis in meâ look is so common on women in porn, but I think itâs got a lot to do with the fact that a heck of a lot of industrial pornographers are every bit as prissy, prudish, immature, and socially conservative as their âmoral majorityâ critics.
Although to be fair, repeated porn-industry statistics show the biggest consumers of industrial porn are from highly-conservative parts of the country where, who knows, maybe the customers expect their partners to be angry and disgusted by sex! I dunno.
You see the same thing in âXXXtreme BDSMâ porn from Kink.com and its asshat wannabes where the women âmasochistsâ (and itâs mostly women) look miserable, unhappy, uncomfortable, and afraid. When really most of the Masochists Iâve met are generally happy, horny, and downright enthusiastic.
But at least they rarely look as infuriated as they do in mainstream-vanilla porn.
Rule #5: donât do it like they do it in porn. If you really donât like something use a safeword. And if you donât have one thereâs always the universal safeword: âwhat the fuck, asshole?!?!â
Face slapping anon here. Thank you for answering and In so many ways with so many options. I think I will hold off on it and find someone professional to help me work through it. I hope youâre having a great Friday! Thanks again.
Thank you so much for letting me know! And thank you for putting up with all my dadâsplaining. I think holding off and talking to someone is an even better plan than âleave it alone.â
Best of luck! Thanks again!
You donât have to post this. I married my dom. They cheated, I left. Ever since my little side has been hiding. Scared to come out and be hurt so bad again. Your blog has helped my little side feel a little safer. Helped me realize that all doms are not bad. Youâve helped me find myself again and I know itâs silly, because I donât know you, but I am endlessly grateful for your oblivious help in this matter. I hope you have a wonderful and fulfilling life from the deepest part of my soul.
My âoblivious help?â đđđ Thatâs me!!! A truly older, experienced gentleman understands that he may be wise but itâs probably about the things he thinks he is. Â
If you wanted to put one of my ongoing themes into pure D/Lg it would be âone of these things is not like the other one.â
Iâve found there are two big, big benefits to questioning or âinterrogatingâ stereotypes.
1) Statements like âall X are Yâ for whole classes of people arenât very workable, let alone… well… true.  âYou canât trust all Domsâ is as non-useful as âyou can trust all Doms.â Dominance is only one of literally thousands of characteristics in a 4-dimensional human being (including âover time.â) But also
2) When you start questioning stereotypes you start to realize theyâre not external truths but internal âtruths.â Which can mean the one thing all your stereotypes really have in common is you!  And once you get that theyâre your assumptions or beliefs you can start to see perfectly lovely Xs who arenât Y.
Iâm so glad youâre finding yourself again. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Due to being hit in the face as punishment when I was a child my face is off limits during play. I want to be able to engage in face slapping in the future. Is it possible to work past this or should I leave it alone?
Wow, thatâs an excellent question. Naturally thereâs no one answer, let alone one good answer.
The first question would be is this an erotic fantasy for you? If so then great, you can enjoy the fantasy all day long. Lots of things that get us off in fantasy arent that great in reality. (Ask anyone whoâs fantasized about owning a sailboat!!!)
The next question is would it turn you on to actually do it? On the one hand it could be triggering as hell, in which case maybe leave it alone. (My default answer is always going to be leave it alone.). On the other hand youâve actually experienced it do you have âmuscle memoryâ of how it feels and what it does. Which leads to…
There are a lot of things we can do where the context makes all the difference in how we feel about it. Pressing lips together can be thrilling with a lover, yucky with great aunt Margaret, routine for a French diplomat, and horrifying when itâs your drunk brother in law. Sameâs true with tough play in sex. A soccer ball in the face, a smack from an angry parent, and an erotic slap from a Dominant partner all feel the same physically, but the emotional significance can be radically different.
Unless youâre reflexively triggered. In which itâs all the same… and you should leave it alone.
Last question would be do you want this or do you feel itâs necessary to be a âgoodâ Submissive or Masochist? Because itâs really not something a lot of real Doms or Sadists need to do. Unless itâs a specific fetish of theirs theyâre going to assess your boundaries and figure out all the other things they can do instead. The point being that clear boundaries and hard limits make good BDSM. If you have a partner who canât handle that for any reason? Leave it, and then, alone.
Finally, if you really do get reflexively triggered but you do get turned on and want to do it, consider finding a good EMDR practitioner to help move your triggers out of your âhindbrainâ and into your âforebrainâ where you can process it consciously. Maybe!
Which brings up a really important point: kink is not a great way to avoid processing genuine trauma. Doms arenât trained trauma therapists, and even if they were it would violate professional ethics to perform it on their romantic or sexual partners. Itâs also not ethical to use a Dom to work through something. Cause itâs… well… using them!
All that said, my main answer is going to be if you can comfortably leave it alone itâs probably best to leave it alone. If not then be crystal clear in your communication, set very clear boundaries, and maybe talk to someone professionally because… dang it all, somebody slapped you around when you were a little kid! Nobody should have to keep living with that without a little support.
Thank you so much for asking. Best of luck whatever you choose, ok?
hey thanks so much for the response, i’m the sleepover girl, and i am ok! just upset but not too shaken. i really appreciate your kind words.
Thank you so much for following up. Iâm glad youâre feeling ok!
I’m still going to gently recommend having a conversation with someone about it just âfor good luck.â  Our reactions to having our boundaries and consent ignored can bounce up and down. Talking it out with someone can also help you reset and give you some good strategies for standing your ground if you found yourself in similar circumstances.
But mostly Iâm glad youâre feeling ok! Thanks for letting us know.
related to your recent reblog.. im a girl (18) and i had a sleepover with my best friend who is also a girl and she insisted on messing around with me and begged me for literal hours and i kept saying no? we ended up doing it anyway but i felt pressured and uncomfortable and sick to my stomach. i left her house crying at 4am. it was my first time and she doesn’t even like me and we don’t even talk anymore. everyone thinks she’s straight and it’s hard to tell anyone but im so hurt. any advice?
First of all that must have been awful for you. We donât have to worry or wonder about what was going through her head – just that you said no and she didnât listen. That wasnât ok.
Nothing else I can say really matters except to acknowledge and validate you for what happened. No means no. You said no. Thatâs what matters.
One of the trickiest things about not having ânoâ respected is that, just like with you, there are always âcircumstancesâ that can make things seem like an exception. A friend and not a stranger. A sleepover and not a park. Pressure that wasnât violent but was relentless. You ended up âconsenting,â sort of, kind of, but really you didnât since you just wanted to get it over with because they wouldnât stop needling and begging. It was someone your own sex or gender. And so we tell ourselves things like âIt could have been worse,â or âI ought to be able get over it.â
But really thatâs how way too many people get away with things, and how lots and lots of other people end up feeling the way you do.
The good news is there are lots of people who are better able to help people whoâve been through non-consensual sexual things like this. Theyâre not going to be judgmental or say anything like âyou should have…â because they know thatâs not helpful.
You can find people who can help in school or college if youâre a student, in your community even if itâs pretty small, and there are even national and international websites and phone numbers you can call or text. And from what you’ve said it really is ok for you to get in touch with them and tell them what youâve told me. Â
Theyâll know what to do.
Thank you for asking. Iâm sorry I couldnât be more help, but I donât have the right kind of training to be the right kind of helpful. But lots of other people can. Good luck, ok? Â
it ok to not be ready
Please spread this shit like wildfire. People go on and sit through the whole experience and theyâre uncomfortable because they just want to please their partner and they donât tell them that they want to stop because they are not ready. Itâs okay not to be ready.Â
notice here that consent is revoked without ever saying no and consent goes so far beyond yes/no!!!!!!
This is so easy to do! Stop means stop, but so does âmeh.â
Itâs not so much about ârevoking consentâ as just, you know, not being as into it as you thought you were. Or getting derailed by something that might not even be your partnerâs fault.
One way to deal with it is to âsoldier on,â and if you both care about each other thatâs an ok thing to do.  âEnthusiastic consentâ doesnât always equal enthusiastic sex! Â
That said! Itâs also 100% ok to check in with your partner and make sure theyâre still on board. And to try something else or even stop altogether if theyâre not. (Hint: another chance to try something is more likely if you stop as soon as you notice the first chance isnât clicking for you or your partner.)
Note: you know this doesnât apply only to sex, right? If your sweetieâs glazing over while youâre saying âwell, then she said…â or âyou know, itâs just like Zimmermanâs 1991 BassOmatic algorithm only itâs got…â thatâs a good time to check in too!